Mr. Grunter
Let me tell you about this one customer that I had to deal with when I worked as a till sloth in a Coop.

We all called him Mr. Grunter. We don’t know what his real name was. We called him Mr. Grunter because every so often, without any sort of apparent exertion on his part, he would softly grunt for about 5 seconds or so, wheezing out noxious fumes.

He was morbidly obese. He wore the same clothes every day. Brown. He wore sandals so that you could see the weeping sores on his partially bandaged feet. He stank. Oh god he stank! It was rotten sweat. It was unspeakable congealed crusty juices. It was a meaty aroma. Pungent. You could have hacked at the tang with a machete. It was like a physical barrier. He walked around with a smell circle around him. People who were weak of stomach who went into the circle were violently sick. They actually chundered.

He used to take about an hour and a half to walk around the reasonably small store. He only bought the rotting reduced food which he placed into a basket. We till nerds would get a visual update on his progress every time he heaved around the aisles by the checkouts. The supervisor would get inundated with lunch requests by till staff at 10am in the morning from all the people who wanted to avoid him.

On my last day (I didn’t know it was my last day though) I drew the short straw. He hoved in view in the queue to my till. Customers in front of him comically gagged and looked around when the circle enveloped him. They all decided that they suddenly needed to be somewhere else.

He grunted up to the conveyor belt to place his out of date buffet bars and quiche. I was now in the circle and was forced to hyperventilate through my ears. I started to scan the out of date stickers, fully aware that his slug-like gummy fingers had already handled the goods. I was also aware of his gimlet-eyed scrutiny, staring at me over his pallid damp cheeks, with his burst facial pustules dribbling ripely down his face like tears.

“That’s £4.54 please sir”

He didn’t speak.

He reached into his damp pocket and took out 5 dripping wet oily pound coins. He gave them to me one at a time but with the last one, he licked it with a grey tongue. I immediately refused to accept this and he grinned a rictus grin.

I put through the transaction with a pound missing and took the 46p loss on my till.

He took an age to pack his items and stared at me all the while with his vulpine smile.

Then he waddled off victoriously.

I immediately went to get changed and I have never scrubbed so hard.

Then I quit.

Then I was sick on the way home.

Then I had a McDonalds.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:12, 8 replies)

hahahahhah
"hacked at the tang with a machete" - priceless
(bathtub has renounced CS3 for paint.net, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:16, closed)

Maybe I'm not "down with the kids but....."
Why is the name of all that is holy would someone lick a frigging pound coin?!
(The Stig, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:48, closed)

i like him

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:57, closed)

OH god....
Why? How do people get themselves into this state? I used to work in a few places, supermarkets, clothing stores, mobile phone shops, garden centres, and in every single one there would be some sweaty monster that would come in and be *exactly like this* (without the coin licking; that's just weird). How do they get like this? Are they that lonely that no-one at any point gives them a hint?
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:59, closed)

.
What is it about Co-op and disgustingly skanky people? I get a good few regulars like that, and the stench fucking LINGERS at my counter afterwards.
(Aruu does not put all her trust in root vegetables., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 12:48, closed)

Some visceral images there
But I did enjoy that, regardless. I liked the last three lines too.
( chart cat has an itch, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 9:09, closed)

Yeah...
Maccas is great after an impromptu spew.
(spida, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 9:51, closed)

Sorry for the pedantry, but...
54p loss surely?
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 13:04, closed)