The Pedophile.
Dear readers, snuggle up next to your computer whilst I try my hardest to portray to you all the monstrosity that is... 'The Pedophile'.

My name is Hollie and I work in a bakery. Not just any bakery, oh no. Ours has some sort of spack-tard radar that draws toward us all the limping, shuffling, drooling coffin dodgers that smell of piss and have various bits and peices dropping off their heaving carcasses as they walk.

Not just the elderly, but the impossibly ignorant - ie, 90% of the general public. Hell is released on a daily basis, and its contents directed into my workplace.

My first encounter with The Pedophile is the time he stopped outside our window (from the window you can see right down the area behind the counter where we serve) and, with his best Hannibal Lecter - esque stare, slowly began to wave at us all whilst we worked. (The majority of our staff are under 19). Once he had sufficiantly freaked us all out, he shuffled away.

Thank God, he's gone, we all thought.
We thought too soon. This man must be nearing 50, potruding pot belly, badly fitting clothes, carries a backpack with the straps so tightened it is up to his neck, and stares with tiny beady eyes somewere between his majassive eyebrows and hooked nose.

He makes Gary Glitter look like The Pope.

He returns later that day with what must be his mother and brother. She looks like an evil pigeon, and if I were to accurately describe his brother, somewhere in the world a kitten may die. Whilst mother and brother buy food, pedophile stands at the back of the (very small) shop, and proceeds to stare at each of us (3) behind the counter. He decides that he has taken a perverse liking to my co-worker Samantha. You can see it in his eyes. Oh God. The eyes.

Anyway, whilst 'the' eyes are locked onto Sam, Pedophile begins to lift up his shirt. My heartrate quickens to above 400. 'WHATTHEFUCKISHEDOING?!' I cry in my head. He lifts his shirt to just above bellybutton level, and begins to rub his bare stomach. We all feel sick. We all want to cry, especially Sam. This is reasonable, because now pedeophile is both rubbing his stomach and pointing at her, with his long, dirty arm and filthy little hand.

RUBBING HIS STOMACH AND POINTING AT HER. As she walks up and down behind the counter. Equipped with crazy eyes and terrifying smile. We think he's about to crack one out right in front of us.

Pedeophile decides that he must know the name of his future wife, Samantha. He leaps towards the counter and asks her name, more than once. Sam keeps her composure and stays calm.

*dribble* 'WHATS YOUR NAAAAAMEE...'
'Samantha.'
'I LIKE SAMANTHAA. IT'S A NICE NAMEEEE'. *sweat*
'ok.'

Mother and Brother have finished buying food and procede to the exit, back to whatever shithole they crawled out of.

'BYE SAMANTHAAA.' *stares as if he stared hard enough her clothes would fall off*
'bye'.

Pedophile leaves, but looks back, waving, always waving... as he crawls away. He waves until he is out of sight.

He still comes back sometimes, always asking for Samantha to serve him. We all hide.

First post, don't be gentle, I like it rough.
(Dramamine, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 21:00, 19 replies)

*shudders*
that sounds like one creepy fucker.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 21:10, closed)

So...
an elderly man who, from your description, sounds as if he has learning difficulties, comes into your shop and asks what your friend is called.

On the basis of this behavior you decide he is a paedophile.

You are a stupid cunt.
( Mod Edit, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 21:40, closed)

^^ Good old b3ta charm...

I liked your descriptions of the peed. I think this deserves photos as I have in my head Ade Edmondson for some reason and he doesn't deserve that :(
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 22:13, closed)

Mod Edit...
Is who I agree with, sounds like he has learning difficulties.
(Eo1spy is reversing the polarity on, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 22:48, closed)

Sounds like
Learning difficulties or something, aye.
I get a guy in regular as clockwork on a saturday afternoon. Obvious learning difficulties and he always comes to me.
He's a bit younger than your description, but otherwise a fair match; late thirties or so, always has an odd smiling expression and drags on the end of words as if afraid to let go.

It's always the same thing. He's changed the settings on his six-year old nokia and would like someone to show him how to make the clock display in 24-hour format again. Or take the phone off silent, or something.

If i'm not busy then I take five and show him how to change whichever particular setting it is, he thanks me and off he trots. I'll see him again in a week, give or take an hour.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 0:00, closed)

Oh well done
...Mr Mod Edit. Way to welcome the n00bs. Dramamine makes a real effort to post in a genuine b3ta style on her first post; you take two seconds on the basis of a few lines of text to call her a "stupid cunt".

Whereas you, sir, are clearly a highly intelligent chap.

And FWIW, having some experience of these things, I agree the subject of the story sounds like he has learning difficulties. That's his excuse for acting like an arsehole. What's yours?
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 1:06, closed)

Poster from hell
*crawls out from under rock*

As a long time lurker I had to reset my password just to log in and call Mod Edit a complete twunt for his comment.

Congrats for making the first place on my ignorelist.....

Length....probably his problem hence the attitude.

*crawls back under rock*
(chrismoo, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 3:01, closed)

To be fair to Mod Edit...
She asked for it rough.
(Glomp Fuck, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 4:17, closed)

P.S
WELCOME YOU FUCK.
(Glomp Fuck, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 4:19, closed)

"..and if I were to accurately describe his brother, somewhere in the world a kitten may die."
Because you would presumably be masturbating? Hmmmm.
(St Sepulchre's Belle tolled for thee on, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 4:58, closed)

Pedo?
You like rough huh....

I am both dyslexic and drunk so please excuse the grammer (which doesn't get better when sober) and spelling (again see above). However, paedophile???? you say your staff etc are in their late teens how the fuck does this count as paedophilic behavious?

Yes his behaviour is unsettleling and unpleasant. I do not see how it amounts to kiddy fiddling!

He does sound like he has some sort of specialaness tho.

Be kind he may be your dad.
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 6:28, closed)

I
teach special needs and kids / adults with learning difficulties to swim, and have done for the past 2 years.

I really, REALLY don't think he has learning difficulties, possibly psycological (sp?) problems though.

The aunt of a girl i know met him in a graveyard. She was standing at a grave, came up to the aunt and whispers 'That was my wife'. The grave was a 3 year old child.

I APOLOGIZE IF I FOUND THIS MAN A TAD CREEPY. HE WAS A CUSTOMER I DIDN'T LIKE. HENCE, POST.
(Procrastinate now! It's not opposite day!, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 19:41, closed)

Paedo?
If youre all about 19 why does that make him a paedo? Technically hes just creepy, or more probably disabled.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 19:41, closed)

That's a great first post
Welcome to the QOTW

My 2 cents: As for whether or not the guy is an actual paedo, this is b3ta, not the Daily Mail's comments section, so just roll with it FFS! This is no place for the easily offended...
( chart cat has an itch, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 16:39, closed)

Clicky, Clicky, Click Click
For pissing the toss pot who first replied off...
( notmyrealname, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:51, closed)

Me likes!
Paedo or not, have a click for a well-written, fun to read QotW message.

*Clicks very, very hard.*
How's that for rough?
(Obsidian, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:29, closed)

At the worst
he'd be an epebophile. Or, given that you're all legal and adults, just a bit lonely.

Quit overusing paedophile- and for the love of all those who walk, don't use pedophile. No matter what the Yanks say, a pedophile is someone who loves walking. A Paedophile is someone who fucks pre-pubescent kids. An ephebophile is someone attracted to pubescent young-adult types. There's a difference.

Sorry, just one of those things that annoys me- especially the pedophile thing.

Also, good first story!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:34, closed)

Great first post
Ignore the twats.

*thumb up*
(Ravenhill, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 23:04, closed)

Shakes head...
Ignorance + hysteria = PAEDOGEDDONZ!!! OH NOES!!!

For fuck's sake, if you spot some bloke digging up the road, by all means make all haste to post about the serial killer you saw disposing of his latest victim.
(apologies_for_length, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 8:35, closed)