I'd come out of a bad relationship with a madwoman...
Who ended up stalking me for a number of months.

After about a month of not hearing a thing, no drive-bys, not so much as a muffled fart in the bushes, I figure, she's finally got over it, and I'm free to roam once more.

Fast forward another month, it's a quiet summer Sunday in Brisbane, Australia, I'm sitting on my back deck with a beer, enjoying the sun, the breeze, and most of all, the peace and quiet with the new girlfriend, when I hear a knock on the door.

"Probably just the Jehova's again, I'll piss them off and be back in a sec" I say to her, and I get up to go answer it.

Front up to the door, pull it open, and BLAM, something hits me in the chest like a barefisted Mike Tyson pick up line, and the second worst pain I've ever felt(EDIT: The absolute worst was being stung by a box jellyfish while surfing), like someone had just hammered a red-hot nail into me.

Yes, b3tans, You're guessing correctly - THE CRAZY BINT SHOT ME IN THE FUCKING CHEST.

I've collapsed backwards, with barely enough presence of mind to kick failingly at the door to try and kick the thing shut - the young miss whose company I was previously enjoying rounds the corner just as another .25 round thumps into the solid oak door - Luckily I've managed to kick it closed at this point.

Of course, she freaked out, called the Ambulance and police on her mobile - the latter managing to catch the mad bitch in question about 3 kilometers away, trying to throw the rifle into a creek that runs through the nearby park.

Happily, she had fired a little too eagerly - she missed the main part of my chest, missed the sub-clavian artery by about half a cunt hair, and managed to lodge the thing just around my armpit after it clipped bone.

Docs managed to pull it out, and I happily handed it over to the police as evidence - though, the also retrived a raving mad ex-girlfriend/stalker, and a slightly muddy .25 rifle from the creek.

She's now doing roughly her 4th of 15 years in prison, and I'm living in Leeds, about as far away from mad bitches with rifles as I can get.

Apologies for the length, but not the caliber.
(Churba, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:55, 12 replies)

Mad
Now that's a crazy kindof mad...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:58, closed)

You're preaching to the choir there, mate
Fucking mad as a cut snake, her.
(Churba, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:04, closed)

I would try
to smoke her out.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:19, closed)

This is a great story!
I cannot click it enough.

Well done to you sir, good to know theres no ill effects.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:12, closed)

I wouldn't say no ill effects....
After all, my liver is in serious peril, considering that to get a free pint, half the time all I have to do is show the scar and tell the story.
(Churba, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:46, closed)

Fuckinell!!!
Err, lucky you... for being alive... but what I want to know is, was she a good shag???
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:03, closed)

Not the worst
But not the best, either. Frankly, I feel a bit ripped off.
(Churba, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:49, closed)

Stung, stalked and shot? (Not all at once, I know)
Wow - what did you do to piss off the universe so badly?
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:09, closed)

Come to think of it...
I was a rotten shit back then.

Of course, I neglect to mention that it's not many years since, but still, times, they are a changing.

Edit - Then again, I live in Leeds, if that doesn't settle my karmic debt, nothing bloody will!
(Churba, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:17, closed)

if you like to live dangerously
pop up to morley and crack jokes about incest...
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:20, closed)

I love to live dangerously...
So I live in Leeds and crack jokes about whippets and flat caps instead.
(Churba, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 6:08, closed)

I
shall soon be joining you in that venture!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 12:10, closed)