Darwins Turkeys?
Possibly not a full on entry to the Darwin awards but still a rather funny dice with death involving motorbikes, cars, flying and turkeys !!

Righty ho. just over 2 years ago I was working in IT distribution in basingstoke, about 35 miles from where i live and as the M3 is SUCH a stupid 2 lane motorway, I decide to do it on my motorbike. so 70 miles a day of fun with no smelly people on trains/bus's, no sitting in crap traffic jams, no idiot workmates to talk to any annoy the arse off of me, just relative peace and quiet with a smile on my face.(cue plenty of ghostrider style naughtyness ripping through traffic!!!)

Anyway, as i digress about the wonders of biking !!

So 2 years ago, there I was. Last day of work for the year, my 3 boys are coming down from scotland with the ex wife for xmas, full of excitement and xmas cheer !! Now, luckily this day is a non uniform day, so in i go in my bike leathers which my lovely ex colleagues refer to as my "power ranger" suit. The office is more full of piss taking and abuse than anywhere i have heard about, but to be honest, i loved it !! anyway, Stuff it, not many of them even drive a car let alone a bike. twunts. So my employers being the caring folk that they were, always gave away a pretty good fresh free range turkey to each memeber of staff for xmas. This was a nice perk as there's nothing worse than that last crap looking turkey in the bottom of the freezer in the supermarket. The one that you can see has been kicked about the floor like a football but if you don't buy it your mrs will have your knackers on the chopping block.

So end of day, i pick up my turkey, but as there was 1 left and I was one of the last folk left, I was offered a second !! SHAZAM !! Turkey munching to continue for several weeks !! Whats amount of turkey feasts can i cunjure up in my kitchen !!

Hmmm though, just me, a large bag and oh fucksocks, on my motorbike. Plan emerging.

2 x 14lb turkeys into a bag, got it done (luckilly they were not frozen) but with the aid of a couple of roles of sellotape, then getting someone to haul the bag on me and I strap up. Bit heavy but when on the bike ok.

Now its 2.30pm, southbound on the M3, As happy as a pig in the proverbial as my 3 young sons are coming down from scotland, got 2 turkeys and already got a fridge full of the usual xmas stuff. Sorted. With that glee and happiness, cue the "ride of the valkyries" in my head. Throttle gets pulled back, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" goes I with 1 wheel on the ground !! Few miles down the road, i slow down (ahem to nearer speed limit) when some dozy woman switches lanes without looking WHILST putting on her make up !! The f*cking nerve !! now this made me swerve from the middle lane to the fast lane at around about 90.

Now this is where things go in mad slow motion !

As i swerve the dozy bint, this is on the crest of a hill, fast lane is now rapidly the slowest moving of all 3 lanes yet strangely the slower 2 lanes were completely clear!! Heart in mouth, ANCHORS ON !!!!!! PLEASE DONT LET MY TRUSTY ZZR GET HURT !!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH !!!!!!!

Slowed down to 40 in those few meters but hit someone up the arse. Things get even more slow motion !!

CLANG !!!!!!!

Last thing i remember was my head being about the same 6ft in the air as when i stand up, looking through some cars rear window, but being COMPLETELY the wrong way up !

15 mins later.

eyes open, cannot feel anything, start to hear things, try to push myself up but being wierdly week. figure out i'm laying down on my front in the middle lane of the M3. Manage to get up, start to feel pain down my side, Also wondering whey everything was blurred but soon figured out that my glasses where missing. turned around, looked down the hill, 3 lanes of standstill traffic. Some people standing around, some people mentioning the other driver i swerved as she almost hit some other folk. But I can guess most people sat in their cars where just narked off as they were getting late for their xmas fun !!

Anyway, where is my trusty steed? My beautifull ZZR? What has happened to her? I see her laying on her side in a puddle of oil. Over i walk, tear in eye. pick her up. push to side of road.

But where are my tukeys???????

An old chap 2 cars in front of the car I hit just happened to look up at exactly the right time and saw them fly about 6 ft over his car in a last ditch for freedom as if they knew this was their last chance before a few hours at 160deg C with some stuffing and sausage up their arse !!
He saw them hit some cars then both bounce (leaving dents in ANOTHER car) and off to the left and into a bush at the side of the motorway !! So he see's me and brings them over. "at least you still have these buggers !! Sorry, but the bags fooked"

Lets take stock
Bike, damaged but repairable.
me? 4 cracked ribs, lost glasses, torn muscles, Some cool looking battle scars on the leathers. Helmet smashed, but did I have any marks on me? NOT FOOKING ONE. NO PROOF, NOTHING I CAN SHOW OFF AT A PARTY OR GET SOME SYMPATHY/SHAG FROM THE LADIES, BOOOOOOOOOO !!!

But The turkeys? For their last flight and taste of freedom with a triple crash land? Not a mark on them. Nothing at all.

Tasted AWESOME !!

Moral of the tale !! Watch out for women drivers putting on make up !! And make sure your turkeys are secured although they are worse than escaping that the forger from the great escape !! " let me come with you !, I can see, I can see perfectly !!"

Length? 70 miles plus 30 meters flying, weight? 16 stone plus 28lb of turkey meat.
(shagbolt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 14:29, 14 replies)

That would be C2k then?
A Northamber Lurker!
(scowners shagged his mum on, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:38, closed)

c2k???
C2k? Work for those spunk monkeys??? fuck that !!

I was working for Micro-p !
(shagbolt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:27, closed)

oh yes
completely forgot about them!!! LOL
(scowners shagged his mum on, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 12:38, closed)

Bloody women drivers*
*Has no issue with female drives in general, just this one.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:45, closed)

Grooming
A friend of a friend was pulled over by the police when she was using hair-straighteners and a mobile phone while driving.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:11, closed)

well, its clearly all her fault
Even though he admits to breaking the speed limit, driving like an idiot, and has turkeys illegally strapped to him.
(Burt Burt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:20, closed)

What's the charge officer?
"Well sir, these turkeys appear to be illegally strapped to you."

Fair point.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:36, closed)

Turkeys illegally strapped to him?

Maybe, MAYBE, you could get him through some kind of unsecured load rule. But really, if they only fell of in a crash, and not during regular travel, I doubt they were unsecure.

Glad you escaped with your life...but hell, if there's anything that's a lesson that you should expect every single other road user to be a complete idiot until proven otherwise, this is it. Drive as if every car ahead of you is going to do something stupid...which probably means going a bit slower, to be honest, especially on a crappy two-laner, where your escape routes are a bit limited.
(Musuko, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:50, closed)

My first driving lesson
The instructor and I were sitting in the car at the kerb.

"Right Jim" he said, jovially. "Tell me about the cars that pass and come towards us, makes, who's driving etc."
So I did, for about two minutes. It was a very quiet road and only a few cars passed.

He then turned to me and said "Every single one of those drivers woke up with the express intent of killing YOU! It's the only reason they came out today and they won't be satisfied until you are dead".

I sat in stunned silence.

"Drive with that in mind and you'll live longer".

True words. not that I took a blind bit of notice once I'd passed, but who does?


Oh yeah, *click*.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:58, closed)

Fair do's, that much more diplomatically put
...However blaming ALL women drivers for something only one did (would he really be blaming ALL male drivers if the same accident occured, when the male driver was on his mobile, for example) really gets my back up.

Phew, rant over.

As you were...
(Burt Burt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:01, closed)

Safe Driving now !!
hence why I am now the VERY proud owner of a Stebel Nautilus Airhorn !!! The fucker is 139Db and draws 18amp !!
see this !!
www.xrv.org.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=21998
(shagbolt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:25, closed)

Stebel Nautilus
And on the note of the nautilus, I drove back from London the other week on my 2nd ZZR and had to use it 8 times !! Most aggressive time was a few miles naorth of guildford, this woman (and i will prove that) was in the middle lane whilst i was slowly going past her in a normal safe way, just indicated WITHOUT looking and drove into my side !! She was so ingrossed in singing that she didn't look and only knew i was there when i gave her a full BLAAAART on the airhorn AND kicked her drivers door when i was almost in the central reservation !! Shows how close she was. She got such a fright that she swerved back so much she almost took out 2 other cars in the 1st lane !!
(shagbolt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:34, closed)

Dutch..
they all drive like that. Weirdly though, at roundabouts you have to give way to joining traffic, yes, it jams up, and if you are on a main road and there is a small lane that joins it, you have to give way to that too if it has no markings....and everything has to give way to bicycles...
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 20:16, closed)

women drivers
OK, right, i'm not naturally sexist towards female drivers as my g/f is a top driver and i have not beef with that at all. Easy difference (as an overall viewpoint and not tarning every man or woman with the same brush!!!)i have seen with the sex's is men are usually more aggressive and make oversights, women are much more likely to just do something without looking or to be doing something like applying make up etc. (As since that point of my accident i look to see what car drivers are doing.

Phew, hopefully that puts you women off your fucking high horse !! Well, WHY put make up on in a car anyway?
(shagbolt, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:41, closed)