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This is a question Darwin Awards

Bluffboy says: My mate cheated death and burned his eyebrows off looking down the barrel of a potato gun. Tell us about your brushes with the Grim Reaper through stupidity.

(, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 20:01)
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Flip-flops of DEATH
Anyone who met me around 18 months ago would be forgiven for thinking I would shuffle off this mortal coil earlier than most, due to my own stupidity/misfortune. I am still alive, however, and those unlucky times behind me. But I will share them now in the spirit of The Question.

My family hadn’t taken a holiday together in a long time – since I was about 14 – mostly due to the stress and arguing and crying that inevitably overshadowed any fun. But hey, we’d all grown up, right? My sister and I in our twenties and Daddy much mellowed by his retirement, so when he suggested a canal boat trip, we jumped at the chance – ‘free holiday- wooo!’. Well, anyone that’s been on a canal boat will understand that when it says four berth, it really means two. Or possibly one fat one. It certainly does not mean the boat can adequately house four fully grown adults for a whole week.

As a result of this confinement, tensions were frayed. It was the one hot week we had the whole summer and I couldn’t face sitting with my mum and sister, grouchy and uncomfortable, in the hot, noisy bowels of the boat... Father was taking up the outside platform while he merrily steered us along the sleepy canals of middle England – oblivious to the familial unrest. This left me with the roof. Fine with me, I’m pretty agile, and so it was that I sat up there and hopped down whenever a low bridge was encountered. On the Saturday, my sisters birthday, in fact and we had planned to moor up somewhere lovely for drinking and dinner. There were only a couple of days left to go and we intended to make the best of it.

There I am, up on the roof and Daddy says, “oop, bridge coming” so down I hop. Only, this time, I am wearing the flip-flops of DEATH. My toes don’t quite grip the top step and I plunge down into the cabin, feet first, face down, thunk thunk thunk on my ribs. I can only imagine what this looked like to my mum and sister calmly reading - it makes me chuckle. I swayed upright, waving away their concerned advances. What a hero I am! Oh wait, what’s this? I can’t breathe- try again? nope. Oh dear. This is where my conscious self leaves the story- but I am reliably informed my eyes rolled back in my head and I keeled over and hit the deck. Hard. (Can you call the inside of a boat the deck? hmmm).

Being on a canal boat in the middle of nowhere makes calling an ambulance a bit of a challenge- while Daddy steered the boat close to the bank, sis made a gallant leap into the mass of nettles, clutching all the mobiles in the hope that one might have reception if she ran up and down a bit. Meanwhile, Mummy realizes I am still not breathing and first aid refresher course ringing in her ears, goes for a bit of mouth-to-mouth. Oo-er. Odd thing was, my jaw was firmly seized shut. Ever the lateral thinker, she proceeds to blow up my nose. Unorthadox maybe, but quite effective.
The next think I remember is being mildy pissed off that they were waking me up and who the hell was tolling those bells so damned loudly?! Anyway, a short trip to hospital and some strong painkillers later, I return basically unscathed and by the evening we were laughing about it in the pub. I had been a bit concerned about my mental faculties considering how long I wasn’t breathing for (a couple of minutes I think) but a few goes on the quiz machine proved I hadn’t descended into total monginess. Hurrah! Not the best birthday present for my sister, along with the sunburn and insect bites, regular waterway hazards, she broke out in ridiculous hives from the stress of thinking I was dead. Aaaww.
I couldn’t help but think Mummy suspected a childish bid for attention on a siblings birthday, but the disaster that occurred on my birthday, but a month later, proved I was just a gimp.

Will post if I have time before the question closes…
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 8:52, 10 replies)
Nicely written
I enjoyed your tale immensely, thank you.
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 9:14, closed)
Flip-flops are Lethal.
We must destroy them all to save mankind.

Joking apart, your family sounds quite level-headed in a crisis. Well done all of you.
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 9:29, closed)
Blowing up your nose
Good idea if the jaw won't open, I guess! Excellent lateral thinking, Sinister Carp's Mum!
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 9:39, closed)
is apparently the best way to administer cpr to a baby. Random information for you.
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 10:23, closed)
Yeah but
I tried doing this to a baby in a shop trying to save its little life. How was I to know that it didn't need CPR?

Well, that's what I told the police anyway. And the nonces in B wing. And the prison doctor.
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 10:47, closed)
Wrong way around. For a small child, it's your nose and his mouth.

You don't want to burst his tiny lungs...
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:33, closed)
They're all burst by the time I've finished with them.


*feels sick*

*leers again but heart not in it*
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:41, closed)
The correct way to walk in flip-flops involve gripping the soles with your feet so they raise off the ground effortlessly.

I can't do this, so drag the bastards around noisily and clumsily. Meanwhile the crows talons, ingrown toe-nails and verrucas are there for all and sundry to see.

Which is why I avoid flip-flops and may explain why I've lived to 24.

OOH nice story btw! =)
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 10:15, closed)
Ah, yes. The narrow boat holiday.
Been on quite a few but we had the bonus of a resident expert. My parents had been working on canals as volunteers restoring them an' such for many years before me or my brother had arrived. They knew how small pleasure cruisers are for space.
"Yes, there are double beds, but you'd have to be very well introduced," was a common comment from my father.
So now he's retired and wanted another boat trip there was just me, him, the [small] dog and one of his friends. On an eight berth boat. Bloody fantastic.
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:05, closed)
Story and well written - have a *click* :-)
(, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:10, closed)

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