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This is a question Dates Gone Wrong

Ever gone on a date when "she" turned out to be a male university lecturer in his 50s who tucked his shirt into his Y-fronts? No, me neither. Tell us how it all went shit-faced.

(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 13:13)
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Dawn of the dead
Hanging out in a nightclub in Tiger Bay. Never smart.
I'd been sent to Cardiff to sort out some accounting issuesin the local office, by our parent company. My colleagues felt the need to show me some good old Welsh hospitality, and this mandated much time in the fleshpots of their nations capital. I did weakly point out that I'd have been perfectly satisfied by some cheese on toast, a few verses of 'Men of Harlech' and a blowjob from Charlotte Church but no, that wasnt their way at all apparently

So I'm out with a few people I dont really know and our local finance specialist, Dawn. Dawn's a big girl - but that didnt bother me as I had zero interest in her. I liked her for her outrageous sense of humour and real talent at a SAP terminal.

Many drinks were had. My eyesight began to degrade, and so did my opinion of Dawn, who I was beginning to suspect of not just taking aspirin.. and in fact of being the inspiration for 'Monster' by The Automatic. And of being colourblind. There's a place for dayglo synthetic polymers. This wasnt it.

But you have to be a part of the team if you want to keep your ledgers balanced. I discreetly switched to drinking tap water instead of neat vodka and joined in the thrashingly comical local dancing style while mentally watching the clock over the door and wondering whe it would stop being impolite to give excuses to depart.

The clock right over two somewhat past-it hipsters. One was a hugely tall guy in his mid forties wearing what looked like a pastiche of a pre-modern military uniform, the other slightly shorter guy in a black pinstripe suit and bowler hat, and constantly fiddling with what appeared to be a TV remote. Presumably high on shrooms and left his iPhone in his front room. Both of them winked at me.

I groaned and smiled back. Then snapped around as Dawn had got a grasp on me and was determined we should dance more. I put up with this in the interests of professional teambuilding for 10 mins or so then had the convenient need to relieve myself, and slipped away to point percy at the porcelain

While in there I was happily sitting on the throne with my phone, updating a somewhat horrified management accountant back in London on what was probably going on expenses, when I heard what sounded like someone having a massive asthma attack a few stalls away. I quickly buttoned up and dashed along banging on doors asking if everyone was ok

Ten minutes later, somewhat bruised, I staggered out of the loos with a newfound realisation of how dangerous it is to knock on a drunkards toilet door. Dawn was nowhere to be seen, the other hipster guy was smirking at me - I'd had enough and went back to my hotel room

I'd been there no more than five minutes when my ears popped as though the local air pressure had spiked. There was a loud thump, a gugling noise, then the wardrobe fell over and poleaxed me. Bang. Out like a light.

I came to in dawn's early light, lying like a spanged mong on the hotel's hard carpet, half covered with a wardrobe in several pieces, mostly pinned down by.. Dawn.


She came around after I'd wormed my way out and found a pail of water, but didnt make much sense. Something about a hipster in a blue box that groaned rang faint bells, but the rest of the discourse, regarding an edible world, a scotch egg that could be entered, green froggy men....

'Too many drugs Dawn'. I thought. but no actually I said it.

'But its trueeeewaaaaaaaghurrrgh..... I wanna go baaaarrrrrrghggghhhhhhhhh'

I was washed away across the room by a deluge of onetime pie.
And then she shat herself.
(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:14, 6 replies)
Bravo! Brilliant!
The sort of classic QOTW story like what there used to be in the good old days before all the vermin took over and ruined everything!
Well done, carpo!
(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:18, closed)
You are Dr. Skagra
(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:22, closed)
I wish
I'm envious of the imagination he shows - I can't do that. But I thought I might squeeze out this little tribute to him
(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:24, closed)
Why did I bother to nurture the faint hope that this story might be going somewhere?

(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:26, closed)

sorry lol
If its any consolation I'm not going to make a habit of it....
(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 16:27, closed)
See, raising my hopes, again.

(, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 20:33, closed)

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