Toaster Electrocutions and Similar Musings
I read the previous QOtW's and laughed at how silly they all were and how I, as the superior specimen, have never regretted anything that I've done and have always considered each scenario and outcome before expertly executing a well-thought out plan.

Then my memory jolted into a deep regret that I once bleached my mind of.

I was younger, about 15 (my only and rubbish excuse). I was in Malaysia, a country where no electrical circuit is earthed and air moisture can be around 100% during the rainy season.

The bread was stuck. It was burning a lot and was ready to supply the toaster and kitchen units with some of its burny-ness if no action was taken. "A Knife!" I thought. I promptly plunged my hand into the unorganised, jingling cutlery draw and drew out a small, pointy, metal knife.

I would first try the straight 1-2 approach; spearing and withdrawing it as a Spartan Warrior would - quick and painless. The motion proved effective but the toast simply slid off leaving an oily residue. This toast would not best me, I thought and tried again, with more furvence and aggression than before, *clink* the little, oily knife sprang out of my hands and fell in the toaster.

Mildly set back, there was now some burning toast and a small metal knife in there. Of course - the toaster was still plugged in. I was too involved in Spartan bread strategy to worry about plugs.

I know: I would try and launch up the ejector seat and fire out the toast and knife like a flourded-shrapnel cannon. The trigger-job was pulled all the way down, then heaved up with all my force. A scraping, metallic screech prefaced the knife lodging itself into the heating element (which, due to the depression of the trigger was now ablaze with 'lectrics and heat) and the toast wrapped its seedy-self around the knife in big, cozy blanket of annoyance.

"Ok so, let me think. Metal is magnetic, so all I have to do," (as I wink to myself thinking how clever I was) "is use a magnet to draw up the knife! Genius. So off I trot and raid the 'Science Experiments' kit for the magnet and there I stood. Me, the proud magnet (proud and strong) and the toaster, which was now quite angry at the bread and knife splinter inside of it. But wait. How can I get the magnet in, and back out? Surely once it’s in it will attach itself to the belly of the toaster? I NEED ANOTHER KNIFE! Archimedes would have been proud. I would attach the magnet to another, larger knife and stab the construction into the toaster. But before I do? The magnet might jump off the larger knife onto the internals of the toaster pulling everything with it - and electrocuting me! I can't have that, ok so I need to glue it on? No, the glue wouldn't set in time and would ruin the knife. Celotape? That would simply melt, as to get any leverage on the jammed-in bread the toaster button needs to be depressed, so that wouldn't work. It needs to be secure but detachable. I know - Clingfilm? No, again it would melt. This tinfoil will do just fine.

I psyched myself up, pressed the button labelled 'cook' and I then tried to fish out a small metal knife, wedged in the heating element of a 'lit' metal toaster covered in blackened toast, with a magnet on a larger metal knife, wrapped in tinfoil, clutching at it with the combined force of my quivering middle and ring-fingers (as they were the only ones that would reach).

I woke up 30 minutes after when luckily my parents got home. Cried, and asked that we don’t have toast for a while.
(Cogentesque, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 11:39, 10 replies)

Wonderful!
I wish that was my story.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 11:53, closed)

Thievery
Steal it and claim it as your own at parties - that's what I do with everyone else's fantastic stories :)
(Cogentesque, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 22:28, closed)

Hahaha! Beautiful comedy of errors
Esp. toast stabbing in the style of a spartan warrior
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 12:26, closed)

Elocution
Electracute = dead
electric shock = live
you were not electracuted
(justin(e), Wed 29 Sep 2010, 16:23, closed)

True...
...but at least (s)he can spell it.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 16:39, closed)

Kindness
Thankyou for your defence in the matter (he) :)
(Cogentesque, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 22:32, closed)

He wasn't electrocuted, either
well you started it
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 16:40, closed)

Apologies
Apologies for my errors in knowledge of means of death. It's not something I am well versed in...
(Cogentesque, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 22:27, closed)

Err
Why didn't you unplug the toaster ?
(Bitter and Twisted, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 23:33, closed)

I was too involved in
Roman inspired bread-defeating battle tactics
(Cogentesque, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 9:32, closed)