My Dentist
Is lovely as pie

My orthodontist on the other hand...

Ok, I lie, it's not so much that he's evil, incompetent, bitter, twisted and slightly over-enthusiastic with the power tools. He's very professional. I've just been screwed around with a fair bit.

A typical late starter, I only got my braces when I was 17. Mind you, I'd been on the waiting list for five years. FIVE! Apparently I had 'interesting teeth' which was funny, as what made them interesting was that there were eight of them naturally absent. A genetic quirk, eight adult teeth gone awol and nothing to push the baby teeth out the way, so they just stayed there. Thankfully, four of the missing eight were wisdom teeth, so no need for extraction or any such malarkey. Finally, after all this time I am shown one year into a room of thirty postgrad orthodontic students and am assigned to one called Popadopaloupadaris* who then fits me with full train tracks, top and bottom.

Each time she makes an adjustment, we wait until the one qualified orthodontist can come round and check her work. This is a painstaking process, but finally it is done. I am be-braced!

Talking of pain, even though I was 17 I got treated like a small child. I got the typical 'lie to children' that having braces fitted 'hurts a bit for a few days, but it isn't that bad really and it soon goes away.'

For two days I went through pain so maddeningly intense and constant that I felt like a dog and wanted to smash my muzzle repeatedly against the wall until the pain stopped - not only this, but the intense pain was tinged with a maddening edge of pleasure. My brain overloaded and desperate to permanently shut down, I suddenly remembered I wasn't a small child anymore. I could take a shitload of painkillers. I duly did, and the world became a much happier place.

It was my last year in sixth form. I was scheduled to go on my gap year at the end of that summer, and thought it would be best to tell them this. they weren't best pleased.

"What do you mean you're going abroad for a year? Why did you start your orthodontic treatment now, this is very irresponsible!"

I coughed.

"I've been on your waiting list for five years..."
"Ah."

I was then told that there was nothing they could do for me while I was away and I'd have to find my own orthodontist (and pay for it) while I was there. Bugger. They weren't even going to try and put me in touch with anyone. Luckily, I found a fantastic orthodontist who knew exactly what she was doing. Private - expensive. I had a monthly budget, and monthly visits. Basically ever month I would take out a lump sum, the majority of which would go to paying the orthodontic bills. I would then eke out a living from the remainder. This orthodontist though, well, she helped me find a good dentist who did any work like extraction, etc, helped me work appointments around my studies and was generally really really nice.

I had to go to the dentist to have two of my baby teeth pulled out, and (as always happens) the conversation started right as he had his hands in my mouth. I began to tell him my tale of orthodontic woe. He listened, and as the story progressed he gave me a look as if I'd come from some kind of third world country and had had to walk three miles barefoot to the nearest witch-doctor before giving birth to a two-headed goat.

Finally, it was time to go back. I'd been out of the country for two years (looking back now, this is lucky) and I was nearing the end of treatment. My orthodontist had invented a small device using memoflex wire (the bendy memory-retaining wire they use in the unsquashable glasses frames) to pivot the root of one of my teeth upright, the others were all straight. We said our goodbyes and I said I'd try and visit if I ever went back.

"You should be out of braces in a couple of months. Don't let them take the extra memoflex wire off unless they can give you a really good reason - good luck!"

I arrive home. My next NHS orthodontic appointment - the first thing they do is take off the memoflex

"wait, why are you taking it off?"
"It's ok, your root's pivoted enough"
"...hmmm..."

They are the professionals, you can't argue. It's defintiely not because it's something unorthodox that theyve never seen before and are therefre removing because they don't really knwo whatthe hell it is. They wield the power tools. They then tell me the braces should be off by December.

"December? But it's July!"
"Yes, well, you can't rush these things. Of course, that's not a definitive date you understand, we'll have to see how it goes..."

It is now November. I went to the Orthodontist last week.

"I think it'll be two more visits until they're off"
*thinks* but there's a couple of months between each visit!
"ok...what're the bends you're making in my bracewire for?"
"Oh, well the root of your tooth needs to be pivoted," he explains, as if I had been totally unaware of this fact, "We need to have the most possible room if we're going to put something in!"

SO. Now my teeth hurt like hell because last week the orthodontist (who is still in charge of 30 postgrads btw) put bloody BENDS in my bracewire to try and shoddily do the job of the device they removed this summer which was ALREADY DOING WHAT THEY'RE JUST STARTING TO ATTEMPT NOW, because they had no idea what it was and whether it would really work. Plus, I'm now thinking Feb. or maybe March before they come off, let alone thinking of replacing the missing teeth.

I'm getting married in July. Click 'I like this' and maybe the bastards will have sorted me out by then.


*Ok, ok, I couldn't pronounce it when I scrutinised her name tag every time I saw her, so I have no idea what her real last name was...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 22:51, Reply)