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This is a question Dentists

My current dentist is called Mr Stiff.

Back when I was at university though, I had enormous pain in my jaw one morning - so bad I went as an emergency case to the uni dentist.

He took one look at the back of my mouth and said, "Ah, wisdom teeth. Impacted. They'll have to come out."

He then reached under the chair and came out with an enormous industrial (and entirely non-dental) pair of pliers, "I can do it now if you want..."

(, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 14:31)
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My dentist

I walked in,(apparently its boss. According to my mum anyway) and she was like "Hello dere to de white mon, take a sit an i be right wit ya"
I thought, hmm, its like the doll.
She then gave me a basic check up and found out, my teeth are in bad condition. i could have told her that.
So you know, as all storys that involve the blacks go, her boyfreind came in and tried to sell me drugs and a stolen car. Usual shit.

Only joking, she is black though, does talk like that, and my god, the pain is excrutiating!! its like she getting revenge because her family were my slaves.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 18:05, Reply)
Mmmm, pus
Lots of unhappy memories about the dentist, plus a couple of amusing ones thanks to the diazipam prescribed for the extreme dentist fear.

The worst memory, however, was of the abcess which developed after a newly fitted crown. Just like the others here who've had the joy of an abcess, half of my face swelled up, almost closing one eye. A visit to the dentist confirmed the need for antibiotics which made a dramatic improvement in the face swelling within hours. The following morning the inside of my mouth felt funny. Looking in the mirror I could see a small swelling in the roof of my mouth. It didn't feel sore, just peculiar, so I gently prodded it with my toungue whilst still looking in the mirror.

This was not the most sensible thing I could have done. As I watched the 'spot' burst, dumping about a tablespoonful of greeny-grey pus into my mouth. Small mercy, the fetid smell of rotted flesh hit me before I was able to taste anything and I was violently sick.

The dentist was quite pleased, apparently it's quite unusual for an abcess to 'sinus'(?) naturally. Personally I'd have preferred it to have happened under the effects of intravenous Valium that all the rest of the work was done under.

On a side note. Bad tooth was capped, root canaled, capped again, fitted with post, capped again and finally after a second abcess, extracted. £1800 of work to keep a tooth that I finally had to pay to have extracted anyway. That hurt almost as much as the abcess.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 17:30, Reply)
Only the brown jumper is correct. I take issue, though, with the word 'attempts'. Weebear1974 felt the vibes.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 17:13, Reply)
...when I read some of your posts, I imagine a hunched man in his 40s in a nicotine-stained garret room, brown jumper, sex-offender greasy combover, fwapping frantically over his grim attempts at erotic writing while wondering what a real girl feels like.

Am I right? Do correct me if not, because the image is making me feel a bit queasy.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 17:10, Reply)
"...this is a piece of porn made up by you or her."

Did the job for me.

/flustered fumbling of coat
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 17:05, Reply)

is Frankspencer the same guy that writes all the sordid readers letters in the Sun?
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 16:43, Reply)
My dentist is ace
and I've never had any trouble with him.

I did have an orthodontist as I needed braces way back, but she was very good and the braces were in and out in 6 months.

Sorry for the boring post, it just seems that dentists and orthodontists are getting a lot of flak here and that someone should stand up for them.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 16:28, Reply)
My childhood dentist was killed in a ferocious traffic accident
she was knocked off of her bike by a car into the oncoming traffic, in front of her boyfriend. This isn't particularly funny, really, but I imagine it might have been if you'd been there.

I was also once ASSAULTED by a middle eastern dentist with an actual wood chisel and not enough novocaine. To be honest, I consider this to be the less funny of these two tales because is made my mouth hurt, OK? You uncaring shits.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 14:42, Reply)
Never mind Dentists, I have started a survey to make sure Orthdontists get their own special circle in hell.

Mine had big fat hairy gloveless sausage fingers (god bless itaian hygiene) which he used to ram into my poor little mouth in order to make sure the anchor ring around the back tooth was jammed far enough up into my gum to make me gibber and twitch, all the while arguing with his girlfriend on the phone. The conversations (and ensuing violence inflicted on my mouth) led me to assume she was messing him about on a regular basis. So thanks a bunch Patrizia, you dirty whore.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 13:50, Reply)
Either lies or negligence
I've always had rubbish teeth, inherited off my Mum (who got her first denture at SIXTEEN), meaning an early entry into the joy of dental abcesses. I'd had three teeth out under general anaesthetic before I was 9. Inevitably, I got lots of fillings in my brand new adult teeth.

Anyhow, at age 16, I go for a routine check-up and my new dentist (at the same practice as my previous one) decides to give me an x-ray, just to check "if anything's wrong".

Lo and behold, it turns out ALL the fillings I'd had from my previous dentist had been rubbish. According to my new one, six of them still had teeny pockets of decay underneath the filling - I'm not sure how he could tell this from a blurry x-ray - and, brilliantly, that they'd all have to be replaced that day or I'd die or something.

What an afternoon of unbridled joy that turned out to be. SIX re-fillings in one day, leaving me with enamel the thickness of rice paper.

After all the work had been done, The dentist joyfully told me that I'd definitely need dentures before I was 30.

The same guy then gave me the world's ugliest root canal (when I was 17, on a canine) and made sure I had another two fillings before I reached 18 and was free to decide dental scheduling for myself.

Thinking about it, I should have sued the living shit out that practice for apparently fucking up so many fillings, but this was long before the likes of Claims Direct made you realise you could bleat for cash if something horrible happened to you that wasn't your fault. Fuck.

Needless to say, I didn't go to the dentist again until I was 31, when a brutal abcess got me this summer.

Thankfully, the emergency dentist did two extractions (because he wasn't sure which tooth was the culprit) with absolutely zero pain. Marvellous. The only horror there was the bill.

I now want steel teeth like Jaws. With diamond tips and stuff.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 13:49, Reply)
Dunno if anyone remembers...
...but a few months ago an author wrote about his great uncle, a dentist. This was my dad's dentist when he was a young 'un.

Apparently he was once a right-handed dentist, then his arm was injured in WWII, so had to be amputated. Instead of give up, he just learnt to practise dentistry with his other hand.

According to me old man he was a fantastic dentist too, cos even my grandma was impressed by his 1337 gnasher removing skillz.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 13:46, Reply)
You must all just be unlucky
My dentist is ace, still on the NHS and when I had to have a filling I didnt even notice the two huge needles he stuck in my gums untill my mum asked me later wether they hurt.

Still, trying to drink when half of your mouth is numb is interesting, and smiling at people is also fun when you can only use half your mouth. The looks you get back are brilliant.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 12:59, Reply)
Elementary, my dear Apeloverage
"I put it to you that either you and she are both vile pieces of shit or, more likely, this is a piece of porn made up by you or her."

Here at B3ta, these accusations cannot taint me but only only add to the glamour. Take your pick.

(Nice grammar, by the way. You don't often see that.)
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 12:03, Reply)
Mr Apeloverage, consulting detective.
An ex-girlfriend told me this story of how she was consensually molested by her dentist:

...and neither she nor you thought to report the guy. And she didn't feel at all bad about being molested because she fancied the guy anyway. And you didn't feel at all icky about any of that. And, in short, a whole bunch of stuff that happens in porn and not in real life.

I put it to you that either you and she are both vile pieces of shit or, more likely, this is a piece of porn made up by you or her.

EDIT: and dental patients don't notice if they wake up with a glob of ejaculate in their mouth. OK, until I thought of that I thought it might have been real.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 11:46, Reply)
Cocktails huh??
Went to see my dentist and he was particularly interested in a trip abroad I mentioned and asked if he could get some more details regarding the area, I agreed thinking nothing of it. Received a text asking to meet for cocktails sometime, which I agreed to (after all it is my dentists, what could happen??)
Met up with him and he took me for dinner and we somehow ended up at his… etc etc etc.
I still to this day wonder if it’s even legal...
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 11:36, Reply)
My Dentist...
...likes to hum the Dentist's Song from Little shop of horrors while giving me my check up.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 11:26, Reply)
My dentist
Was called Mrs Twizleton. Seriously, she looked like a man in drag.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 11:21, Reply)
Dr Love
An ex-girlfriend told me this story of how she was consensually molested by her dentist:

She'd fancied the guy for ages. He was tall, handsome and genial, and he always flirted with her, occasionally resting a hand on her bare leg if she was wearing a mini-skirt (as she often was). Sometimes she would undo a few buttons on her blouse and wear no bra to make it more interesting (then furiously masturbate in her car afterwards).

One day, she needed some serious dental work done and agreed to undergo a general anaesthetic. She was feeling particularly horny that day and had gone with no underwear. Would the dentist cast a sneaky look up her short skirt and see this while she was unconscious? Would he slip a hand inside her top and tweak a nipple? She hoped so.

In fact, when she woke up, it was to find the dentists engorged cock sliding in and out of her almost numb mouth. Far from shocked, she kept her eyes closed, concentrated and set her tongue to work. He paused for a moment, but then continued as she deep-throated his considerable girth with an enthusiastic mouth.

It wasn't long before she heard his moans and felt the volcanic gush of semen pulsing down her throat. She'd never had a problem with swallowing and sucked it all down while maintaining the outward appearence of unconsciousness. She said she'd never been more aroused.

A few moments later, she 'came round' and gave the dentist a big smile: "I didn't feel a thing!" she lied. The dentist blushed and told her she'd got an excellent mouth.

Moments later she was gushing all over her car seat.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 10:49, Reply)
red and white with a green tail
My dentist name is not especially funny.

But my dad's milkman is called Wayne Radish.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 10:24, Reply)
My Dentist is called .....DR GASH
I keep telling him he's in the wrong profession.

/ The cunt.

(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 10:15, Reply)
All twats
I have to work with these fuckers, worse still I have to teach dental undergrads and I can quite categorically say that I have never met such a bunch of cnuts in my entire life.

Self righteous, sanctimonious failed doctors the lot of 'em. They are so inadequate it's untrue. In fact they are so socially inept that they all got together as a group to say to the GDC (General Dental Council) 'oh, people don't know what to call us when they come to see us can we call ourselves doctor to make it easy?' Fuck off. How about introducing yourself by using your fucking name you cunt. I could go on forever but I'm too angry, I shall calm down and post more later. Grrrrr.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 9:56, Reply)
I've got a dentist appointment this afternoon
It's at 2:30

(go on, it's been a while, clicky)
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 9:52, Reply)
Sexual references
Have been a dental assistant for a while and have worked with many dentists, but there was one that I worked with who was particularily lovely.

He was Taiwanese, great person, but his english was always a little, how could you say...blunt.

Once we had a bible college professor book in for a root canal, so we asked if he wanted us to put a movie on for him since it would be a two hour procedure.

Our choices for titles werent that expansive, and he told us to choose a comedy for him, so Along Came Polly was put on.

Dentist then goes on to say to him "Not to worry, it only has sexual references listed on its rating"

Cue uncomfortable awkward silence......thanks Dr Chen
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 7:32, Reply)
My dentist was called mister Bloor, which was pronounced Blower... made me giggle a lot...

I dont really have a story to go with it, but his name amused me!

My sister emptied his waiting room once screaming so loud... other than that it was all pretty boring.

/shrugs and leaves
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 5:25, Reply)
My dentist in Brixton was called Lester Piggot. He referred me to a dentist, in the British sense, at King's College Hospital to have my wisdom teeth out. My mouth is small, and to pull out my back teeth that sadist pulled my nose so hard it broke. With a group of students looking on. Two days later I left the country and only noticed my nose was twisted when I had visa photos taken. No wonder my nose hurt een more than my teeth. Bastard british dentists.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 2:53, Reply)
I once had a dentist named Dr. Yankovic.

OK, its not hilarious. What do you want for funny with a dentist, you bastards.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 2:21, Reply)
British dentistry a stereotype? Yes, in this case...
About two years ago, I had to find a new dentist, so I got a referral to a practice from a friend. Unfortunately, the senior dentist in the practice's patient list was full, so I became the patient of his apprentice/understudy. His apprentice/understudy from Brazil, who spoke English so heavily accented that I was unable to understand a word he said, particularly while he was scraping my mouth whilst wearing a surgical mask. I suffer from some hearing loss (thanks to a tooth-related problem and working as a welder) and I had to ask him to repeat everything several times, and often even then I couldn't work out what he was saying. I'm a nervous dental patient, and this failure in communication didn't help matters one bit.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I had a filling in one of my molars fall out, and I made an emergency appointment to have it examined. The appointment was with the senior partner, a British dentist (I'm a Brit in Canada). He took a look, and told me he could fill it immediately. He said that while I could have it frozen, there wouldn't be any pain anyway, so it was up to me if I wanted to have a needle. I opted for no needle. He explained everything as he did it, there was no pain whatsoever, and it was all over in ten minutes. Best dental experience ever. I told the secretary that I wanted to be transferred to the senior dentist, or I was leaving the practice. I got my way, and I now have the best dentist ever. Thank you Dr. Traverse in Burlington.

On another note, why do all dentists prod your gums with an incredibly sharp pick, then say accusingly, "Look, your gums are bleeding! Not enough flossing!" Flossing, my arse. Perhaps it could have more to do with the surgical implement inserted pointy end first into them, rather than a lack of proper hygene. I swear the next dentist that does that to me is going to end up with his pick in his eye.

Apologies for length and lack of blood and gore. Some of these stories are making my stomach turn.
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 2:21, Reply)
Dentists... all of them... in a queue
Because lady luck is an ugly cunt she tends to be a tad bitter, and occasionally wreaks havoc on the meek and helpless for idle kicks. When i was born i drew the short straw and ended up her victim de jour (correct spelling? ha! unlikely). The result being i was born with a 'cleft palette' or "Hairlip" as the more lovely people call it.

For those not in the know a cleft palette is, oddly enough, where the palette (roof of the mouth) is still in two halves, and hasn't joined in the middle whilst in the womb (hence 'cleft'). So my first visit to the dentist was the day i was born, with it going down-hill from there.

I spent the first year of my life with a couple of cm gap in my upper lip, and surgery twice. Then surgery every few years until i hit my teens, with the aim of slowly shuffling my teeth about in preparation for final surgery later (oh how i waited with gleeful baited breath).

As a teenager from about 13-16 i visited Manchester dental hospital once a MONTH for brace, adjustment, occasional recreational teeth pulling and general checkups... until they rolled out the big guns.

In the middle of my A-levels i was finally 'ready' to have the final ops. Which were to break by upper jaw away from the rest of my skull; remove chunks of bone from my hip and put the bone fragments in the newly created gap betwixt jaw and skull.

This had the bizarre effect of waking up from the anesthesia and having a newly shaped head. It took months to learn how to chew properly again, and various speech therapy sessions to learn how to speak properly again. I've forever been grateful that this coincided with desperately trying to lose my virginity.

All operations over, and it HAS been an improvement, not sure it was worth 18 years of pain though... and for some reason i still have wire retainers behind my teeth. apparently they "weren't worth taking out"... fair do's.

Such long term treatment meant quite an odd relationship with my dentist, i'd been with her since birth... and seen her go from trainee to UK's leading paediatric orthodontist (i'd like to think i taught her everything she knows :D)

No apologies for lack of hummus, or extreme length... after all b3ta is cheaper than therapy. ;)

(note: after all this i STILL never went emo... fuck knows what awe inspiring suffering they must have endured to be such miserable twunts :P)
(, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 0:58, Reply)

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