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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Improvised wanking machine
At the tender age of 15 I had just discovered the joys of successful masturbation (I had spent a year prior wanking with no end result due to a small attention sp..) and was loving myself as often as physically possible and desperate for differing ways in which I could express my love.

My mum had recently bought a second hand "vibrating belt machine" - you know the kind, one of those old fashioned sort where you stand up and wrap the belt around your midriff and lean back and let the machine vibrate your lard arse away. I had tried it under supervision from my mother and found it had a rather pleasant effect on my nether regions.

(something like this: ebadminton.stores.yahoo.net/masmac.html)

I waited till my parents had gone out and rushed upstairs to their bedroom where the machine was situated, got naked and wrapped the belt around me, across my now hard-desperate-for-some-loving cock and switched on the machine.

Take a banana, grip the bottom and hold vertically. Now briskly shake side to side and you'll get the idea. The vibrating belt was violently vibrating my cock in a way I hadn't felt before, causing the foreskin to flap about like a flag in a windtunnel.

The intensity of the feeling took me by surprise and before I knew it, in the style of Jackson Pollack I was spraying machine-accelerated jism left and right in a wide arc, spattering it all over the walls, dressing table, mirror, window, chinzy curtains and floral duvet while desperately trying to reach around and switch off the machine. I swear I saw a rainbow at one point.

I spent the next hour cleaning little splats of cum off various surfaces and scouring the room for missed traces like some kind of sperm-obsessed Sherlock Holmes.

Only took that machine for a spin the once, but man, it was a sweet ride.

Length? The bigger the catapult, the further the distance.
(, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 16:17, 6 replies)
The mental image that your story has provoked has made me laugh so hard I had to go and have a poo. And it's completely shifted my hangover enough to start drinking again.

And for that...

(, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 22:01, closed)
glad you enjoyed it
I thought you were going to post that it ripped the skin off your dick and you were taken to hospital and had to get skin grafts off your arse and wear a nappy for six months.
(, Sun 18 Nov 2007, 2:33, closed)
Bwah ha ha
I laughed so hard I woke up the dog AND the baby. Shit! You fiend...

continues to giggle at "Sperm-obssessed Sherlock Holmes"
(, Sun 18 Nov 2007, 5:20, closed)
oh jesus!
Enough to bring me out of my lurkdom. Classic man - top stuff. We won't bother asking what your mother may have used it for in her own time.....
(, Sun 18 Nov 2007, 10:33, closed)
I'm getting a cold.
I'm at work and can't laugh out loud. You made me snigger so hard I blew snot onto my desk and tears ran down my face.

This must be front-page stuff.
*clickedy click*
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 11:03, closed)
Thank you, that brightened up my day.
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 18:15, closed)

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