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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Dr Woody and A&E
I've mentioned my pal Woody before; he's recently qualified as a doctor after fifteen years of study, starting out as a student nurse back in the day.

As you can imagine, he's seen a lot of things and having spent many happy hours on the Casualty wards in Colchester, Ipswich, Luton and Leicester has many a story to tell about aftermath of many a cheap thrill.

Firstly, there was the businessman in a suit who turned up one afternoon asking to speak to a male nurse. He was eventually led behind a screen whereupon he dropped his trousers to revealed not only some very classy stockings and suspenders, but also the green, leafy end of a carrot protruding from his arse. Yes, he'd managed to get a vegetable lodged in his rectum and reasoned that highly trained medical staff get to see this kind of thing all the time and therefore won't find it remotely funny. Wrong.

Then there was the guy who managed to fit an entire can of Sure deodorant in his brown star. Upon removal of that, it was discovered that the Sure deodorant was in situ thanks to an abortive attempt to dislodge a pool cueball. The mind boggles.

More tragically, there was the chap who had been fooling around while his g/f was away for the weekend. He found her vibrator under the bed and decided to make use of it. The vibe was shoved a little too far and his bowel clamped round it, pulling it further in. He managed to last some time before contacting A&E considerably weakend due to blood poisoning. However, by this time it was too late. What had happened was that his bowel had clamped round the vibrator so hard that the blood supply had been cut off. He did nothing about it until it was too late, his innards had turned septic and one of the last things he asked for was to plead with the medics treating him to keep the real cause of his demise from his girlfriend.

Another chap who had a similar mishap was luckier in that the lived to tell the tale, but his bowel was damaged beyond repair. His colostomy bag is a constant reminder that sometimes "go shove it up your arse" is advice best unheeded.
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 11:48, 6 replies)
A & E
One of my oldest friends is a theatre sister in planet Thanet but she did her training at the Royal London in the east end. She had someone come in with a lightbulb inserted into their rectum...unfortunately the glass had shattered.

(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 11:53, closed)
Yikes! Must have smarted a tad.

I was amused by the story of the old chap who suffered badly from haemmorhoids and employed a large, blunt nosed object to force them back whence they came.

The object turned out to be a WW1 artillery shell, which got stuck so a trip to A&E was required. Anyway, the casualty staff suspected - correctly as it turned out - that the shell was still live.

The bomb squad was called out to attend to the shell which was still firmly locked in the old gent's brass eye. They had to build a lead box around his hind quarters for safety reasons (ie to contain the blast) before they could render the sphinctoral shell safe.

One suspects that it was fortunate the old gent in question abstained from the prawn vindaloo the night before...
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 12:02, closed)
Why do I suspect that this is very much a British problem?
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 12:05, closed)
Couldn't the first dude have removed the stockings and suspenders first?

(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 12:26, closed)
never eat lentil soup
and read qotw during a lunchbreak
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 13:22, closed)
It's not just a British problem, believe me. I lived in Norway and knew a few Vikings that needed the removal squad and here in the States there are plenty of bumstuffers.

We have a long list of stuff we've pulled out of people's rear ends. For some reason shot glasses are very popular. Fortunately, they're super-easy to get out. For other things, as long as you have krazy glue, plaster of paris, baby forceps and urinary catheters, you're all set.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 6:02, closed)

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