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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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B3TA Chilli cookbook eh?
Well, seen as everyone is having a go, I thought I would drop my recipie in..

Ingredients: For 4 people

4x Red Peppers.
4x Red Chillis.
4x Green Chillis.
2x Large spanish onions.
1x Red onion.
4x Cloves garlic.
1 Kg Mince meat (I like it meaty).
2 Tins kidney beans.
3 Tins skinned tomatoes.
2 Glasses red wine (try get a dark really fruity flavour).
1 Bundle fresh coriander.
Shitloads of Black pepper.
Crushed chillis (to taste).
Olive oil.

Ok, now for starters, book a day off work, this should be cooked for at least 1/2 a day, or have someone in to stir it.

First you need access to fire, either a blowtorch, a hob thats gas/fire, or if your posh a chefs cooking torch.

Now skin the peppers and chillies by blowtorching the skin until fully blackened, or just by placing them on the hob rings and let them get burnt (don't worry, this is fine!) Wait until there all nicely burn't all the way around, now wash them under the tap, hey presto! All the skin comes off and your left with the fresh juicy pepper/chilli, ok now, put these on a baking tray, cover them in olive oil, black pepper and then seal the tray with tin foil, whack in the oven at about 170 (doesn't really matter though).

Ok, whilst there in, get the biggest pan you can find for all this, and add a little bit of olive oil to the bottom, add your meat and the glasses of red wine (always reduce & add wine at the beginning of cooking) leave it on the hob on the lowest heat you can get (this is not going to be turned up at any point, don't let anyone turn it up!)

Now keep turning the meat, it will slowly brown over time, and whilst your doing this, get those peppers out, its been 1/2 an hour! Grab them out and then pull out the stalks in them all (leave all the rest in) the stalks will easily slide out of the cooked peppers.

Now find yourself a blender, or a masher or just anything to bash the crap out of the peppers, then blend the peppers, chilli's and add more black pepper, add about 1 or 2 teaspoons of crushed chillis also and a handful of the fresh coriander, make sure any juice/olive oil from the pan is poured into this too, and blend until it is a smooth paste.

Add this then to the meat that will be browning off by now, drop it all in, give it a good stir, and wash your hands.

Chillis and the handling of them...If you touch anything with the chilli'd hands, you/they are going to scream ALWAYS REMEMBER, IF YOUR USING CHILLIS, srub your hands with a brillo pad/belt sander before going for a piss, else you will be in tears for the rest of the day.

Ok carrying on, now its been about an hour that your meat and the pureed peppers/chillis & wine have been cooking for, time to add your beans, lob the kidney beans in, and the tins of skinned tomatoes, give it a good stir, add yet more black pepper to it, and a small handful of rock salt if you have any, hell why not throw in some more chilli flakes while your at it too, your a hardass..

Now dice your onions (2xspanish 1xred) Make sure 1 spanish and the red is diced finely, if your not sure how to do this, first top and tail the onion, then cut it in half, then peel off the old skin, place it on choppingboard with the top vertical, now cut it into about 5 horizontally, then hold the pieces and chop finely vertically, there small diced onion..

Then chop the other onion coarsly into strips (for some texture, get another pan out, and get these frying on a low heat in some oil for about 40 minutes until golden brown, lob these in the chilli, hell whilst throwing these in, why not a bit more crushed chilli's?

Now add anything you want to put in it, I like to add some mixed spice, a tiny bit of chinese 5 spice, and a load of cajun chicken spices (don't ask me why, I just think they go well)

Ok, now leave it to cook, its been about 2 hours now maybe, you want about another 8-12 hours more (this will make everything break down in a low heat, with all the flavours coming out slowly, and the chillis gradually intensifying).

Stir every so often, and watch tv, make sure its on the lowest of the low settings, throw in a cup of water every so often if its starting to dry off too, or move it so only one edge is over the hob and keep stirring, STIRRING, STIRRING.

Now its been say 10 hours, its ready to serve, and ready to eat, but be warned, this stuff will now be nuclear, (aromatic and tasty too, but that won't matter after the first mouthful as your tastebuds will have fucked off by then).

To keep it hot, but lessen the bite of the chilli, add some puree'd apples, don't ask me why this works, I haven't got a clue but by trial and error it seems to calm the effects. Add these near the end though, else they will effect the flavour of the meat.

There you go, nuclear chilli, have fun, AND WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING YOURSELF..
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 13:41, 6 replies)
All these recipes make me want to put together an online b3ta cookbook
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 14:16, closed)
as above
with a cinamon stick in the pot. Don't leave it in forever, just until it tastes right. The cinamon adds depth to the flavour.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 14:35, closed)
can i suggest
for that proper mole mexican flavour, a small spoon of good quality cocoa powder about an hour before the end of cooking. NOT hot chocolate powder and not so much that you end up with meat cocoa pops, but a teaspoon or so adds a lovely depth of flavour.

I made this for a party once, served 40 with it and it went down a treat...
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 14:44, closed)
the sciency bit
The apples work to reduce the 'heat' because sweet counteracts 'hot'. A spoon or two of honey will do the same job, but apples may give better consistency.

If you're a fairy with spicy food (i.e. still have some tastebuds left), drink fizzy pop with your curries / chilli's. It works better than anything else to cool your jets.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:53, closed)
I read somewhere
that drinking milk is the best thing, as the capsaicin is insoluble in water, but soluble in fat. Obviously full fat milk is better, but that's fine as I never drink the unleaded stuff anyway because it's horrible.

Beer works too, apparently because the capsaicin is also soluble in alcohol.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:56, closed)
I've always found
milk is the best antidote to chilli. Once I forgot the "wash your hands" instruction and ended up having to dip my cock into a glass of milk to obtain relief.
No, I didn't drink or use the milk afterwards.

Whilst we're doing chilli recipes - I always use soya mince (even though I'm not a veggie) and swear by the tins of kidney beans in chilli sauce. Mushrooms (sliced) are also good in chillis.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2007, 15:59, closed)

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