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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Putting the Fun in Funeral Pt3
You may or may not be aware that some years ago, I was employed by a local funeral directors in a grim market town. Apart from the titillating anecdotes to which you all have been privvy, the following acts of desperation were undertaken (sic).

1. A grieving widow, whilst viewing her husband in the chapel of rest, decided that life no longer had any meaning and she would like to follow her husband off of this mortal coil. She grabbed the nearest heavy implement, which happened to be a large earthenware candleholder, and raised it over her head, with the intention of giving herself enough cranial trauma to snuff out her candle, so to speak. The problem was she had applied rather too much handcream, and the candleholder shot backwards out of her greased palm, and connected with the back of a neighbouring mourner, knocking him into the coffin of the deceased family member to whom he was paying his last respects.

2. One young, newly employed funeral director, was taking a body to a funeral in a nearby city on his own. To avoid paying the "One person in car" surcharge on a particular stretch of highway, he placed the deceased in the passenger seat. This might not have been so bad, had he been able to bend the body's legs into the sitting position, and ended up driving along with a dead man's head poking out of the sunroof.

3. We realised with horror some hours after a particularly harrowing enterrment, that we had, in fact, buried the wrong body. Normally we'd have simply not bothered and buried the original body in the next funeral, since what the eye does not see, but the next funeral was a catholic one, and they wanted the body on show for the blessing.
In a flash of inspiration, one member of the team proclaimed he would 'deal with it'.
It was for this reason, that a negro gentleman was presented for blessing at the funeral of a white Catholic, wearing a Power-Rangers mask and yellow rubber gloves to cover our shame, because "the fire had disfigured him too much and the funeral directors didnt want to upset anyone".
One of the relatives was heard to ask "But didnt Arthur die of drowning?"
"That's why he's wearing rubber gloves" retorted another mourner.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 12:41, 7 replies)
More of this sort of thing!
Sod relevance. I'll click anyway.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 12:49, closed)
Me too! Well done that man.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:02, closed)
How often does this sort of thing happen?
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:09, closed)
All the time...
I lead a very complex and strange life.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 13:43, closed)
that's so harsh! did you seriously sometimes bury the wrong body? so there's people visiting their "loved ones" graves and it's not even the them who's buried there? ha ha!
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:40, closed)
You would not believe what we got up to..
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:34, closed)
That's because it probably ain't true
But I liked it anyways

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 15:48, closed)

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