I'm a terrible employee
I am currently working in a call-centre for a British Bank, that may or may not have used Alan Davies in their adverts at one point. The atmosphere is pretty lax for a call-centre, and I sit far away from my boss, so I can get away with murder (not literally).

Add to that the fact that my job is so easy, I hear the Indian government are training actual monkeys to do it, and I can get stoned pretty much every day.

I usually start with a joint in the morning as I'm waiting for the train, and I'll top up with one at lunchtime. This leads to me not listening at all to the customers, or asking bizarre questions, like "Have you seen the new Die Hard?" when they're asking questions about their bank account. I recently had a ten minute conversation with a fellow scotsman about the state of the Scottish Premier League while there was a queue of 10 customers waiting to get through.

Also, here's a free bit of advice - if you've been having a problem with a company, say you've been charged for something or you haven't recieved your new card yet, regardless of how angry or irritated you may be, the person on the other end of the phone DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. If a customer starts ranting I stick the mute button on and start calling him a 'cock-polishing uncle-fucker' till he shuts up.

I have also recently started giving them inapropriate nicknames, like Mr Singh While You're Winning, or calling them by the first name that comes into my head.

Here's something to interest any conmen reading - I frequently forget to ask for security details when a new customer comes through. I have even given someone full access to an account without asking them for their name.

If I have let a conman into your account, then I am truly sorry. I was stoned at the time.

I haven't been pulled up for any of this yet, and the scary part is that I'm not even the worst customer service advisor.

A guy who used to sit beside me would often come in hungover, and hang up on anyone who started shouting. We would have regular games of twenty questions while our customer waited on hold. There is a girl who will often put the customer on hold to eat - and this girl can fucking eat. She has her own gravitational pull. I genuinely won't be surprised if she has a full cooked chicken on her desk one day.

So there you have it, the dirty secrets of the call centre drone trade. We just don't care.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 5:15, Reply)