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This is a question The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

So, Television is a hot bed of lies, deceit and made up competitions. We can't say that we are that surprised... every job is full of this stuff. It's not like the newspapers currently kicking TV whilst it is down are all that innocent.

We'd like you to even things out a bit. Spill the beans on your own trade. Tell us the dirty secrets that the public need to know.

(, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 9:31)
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Extravagance
A friend of a friend works for 'that' very large public health organisation. She is on a very acceptable salary to say she has pretty much no qualifications or experience, she sits in the office doing nothing all day, has a company mobile and laptop, although she never leaves her desk. Well, not until 3.30pm each day which is when she leaves the office (about 2.30 on a Friday). Her boss stays at the Marriott three nights a week on expenses and apparantly earns in 1 month what I earn in one YEAR after tax. They have a full floor of fully serviced offices just for her department (these usually cost around £450-500 per DESK per MONTH).
And yet people all over the country are being denied medication because it's 'too expensive' for this so called skint organisation.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 12:05, Reply)
Eating in Restaurants
Ok, there’s no guarantees about the state of the food, but most restaurant workers are too busy to spit in every meal. So here’s my 3 step quid to avoid uninformed consumption of body fluids.

1. Be nice and polite at all times. Treat the staff as you’d like to be treated, even if the service is shit.
2. Still want pudding or coffee after a ropy main course? Don’t complain, and never send anything back…ever.
3. Carry enough cash to cover the bill.

This is how it works. If something isn’t up to scratch complain after your meal is complete. When the manager invariably says “You should have complained earlier” reply “No, you should have got it right first time”

Offer to pay a reasonable amount of the bill, deducting the cost of the rubbish dish, or say 20% for poor service. Stay calm and make sure other people in the restaurant over hear you making an offer to pay.

The manager can accept your offer or refuse it, either way leave the restaurant. As long as you’ve made a reasonable offer to pay you’re committing no offence and it’s not a police matter.

Don’t go back and tell everybody you know how shit they are.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 12:01, Reply)
secrets of the porn industry -

Despite our claims, there *is* something that these horny bitches love more than cock - having money to buy heroin.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 11:51, Reply)
the adult 'dating' industry
We laugh at the pictures on your profile that you think are sexy. They are not, you look like a [email protected]
Also if you are a married man looking for 'discreet' fun and you want to stop paying for premium site access/delete your contact ad, we will probably take a long time to do it/generally give you the runaround. Double this time if you are a married man looking for 'cock' fun.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 11:11, Reply)
Dohnuts
I used to work for a food factory making dohnuts amongst other confectionery products. We used to dump 3 skips with off dohnuts away each day, im talking well over 2 tons of dohnuts. The problem was - there was hardly anything wrong with these. some had slight design faults, some had missing iceing etc. Ok 1 or 2 had been on the floor of an ultra hygenic factory. What a waste.. they could be given to people who were starving, but no, we dumped them in a huge skip after weighin them to calculate the loss.

I also used to work in a well known highstreet car/bike shop. Its name rhymes with halfords... because thats its name. We used to build bikes at xmas for the parents so the parents could pick them up on xmas eve and stash it at home without thier kids knowin. The things is most of the bikes were scratched /chipped/ dinted /seats ripped to fuck. The way they were stored meant they clanged together at every opportunity. We used to cover them up with card board when handing them to the customers as if they had been stored in that manner. We knew few parents couldnt take the bike off the child the next day to take back to father xmas.

in some cases - in the really bad cases you could find me round the back with a can of car spray paint - 'fixing' a scratch with a close match for the paint... which if you have ever worked with paint before will know if its not an exact match stands out and looks awful.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 10:35, Reply)
oops I made myself redundant.
I used to work preparing images for scientific journals. It was mind-numbingly easy after a while, as I had to do the same procedures to billions of images. So, using applescript and a couple of other things, I automated the lot. All I had to do was direct the process, feed the scanner and deal with the occasional problem image.

the thing was that my weeks work now lasted a few hours, so I ended up being made redundant, with the now reduced workload going to India. Whoops!
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 9:56, Reply)
"A Hundred Ways To Die In Tamagochi-Land"
Me old computer shop bought in hundreds of these little beeping bastards for the retarded community, who lapped them up by the dozen at £6 a time. These weren't the legitimate ones though, but an inferior "Tamo-Pet" variety, and had a perchant for breaking for the slightest reasons. Our supplier gave refunds for the returns, but only wanted the barcodes back and not the Tamo-Pets themselves.

So as if by magic, we had a load of faulty beeping Tamo-Pets sitting in a box. Litterally about 200 of the buggers, beeping randomly. So behind closed doors, we never returned them to the manufacturer. We actually settled on finding amusing ways to kill the feckers. Chucking them at walls, drowning them in a bucket of water, attacking them with stanley knives, stamping, indoor baseball, indoor cricket, smashing with a bar from the safe door (which weighed alot). One of them survived all of this, we even left it underwater for 5 minutes in the bucket and it was still beeping. Seriously, this fucker could've been on a "Top Gear Special". The way we finally ended "Attila the Tama"'s life was by doing the following;

the shop was a converted old Post Office (thanks the Government) which had a large front area and a room with a large walk-in safe in the back office, which was secured closed by two large iron bars at night. The door for this safe weighed close to a metric ton and required alot of effort to open and close. So we got Atilla and lined this beeping cunt up with the bottom corner of the safe door frame, and two of us swung this door as hard as possible at the bastard. We hit it square on, but it somehow wedges itself between the door and frame and doesn't break? Instead, it starts beeping more. So we did it another 7 times until it finally beeped no more. A tear of joy wept, a japanese funeral ensued (someone swept him up and poured him from a dustpan into the bin while saluting) and work went back to normal.

Occasionaly at night however, I wake up and sometimes still hear the faint beeping of Atilla in the distance, tormenting some young kid.

Apols for length, but he was a fighter :D
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 9:32, Reply)
I recently landed a job as a travelling paperclip salesman
I'd like to share with you some of the dirty, or possibly more obvious secrets about my new profession.

My mentor is a twentysomething called Dean. Dean has a gravity defying haircut and talks in a sort of mockney patois, although he's actually from Bedford. Dean has imparted the following pearls of wisdom to help me in my new career selling paperclips to stationary firms

1. On delivery of your company BMW 1 series, as soon as you've hung your jacket in the back, have the accellerator pedal welded to the floor. You wont be needing it in any other position. Remember, selling paperclips is the most important thing on the planet, more important than safe driving or road courtesy, so getting there fast is vital.

2. The company awards points for the most agressive driving. It makes our reps look like big, hard drinking, glass-eating tigers of the sales world, so make sure you brush up on cutting up, cutting in, tailgating, bullying other cars out of the way and so on.
I got 40 points the other day for cutting across 3 lanes of the M25 to pull into the last 2 feet of sliproad onto the M4, causing 3 vehicles to swerve, and a further 2 to have a small collision as I forced them to stop quickly.

3. There is nothing more important than that deal, if the call comes in whilst you're driving down the motorway, shaving, eating an egg sandwich, filling in your expenses and steering with your knees all simultaneously, answer it. The law apparently doesnt extend to salesmen, so we're ok to do it.

4. When its lunchtime and you've stopped at the Moto services just outside Reading, there'll be a queue for the McDonalds, right?
Wrong! Salesmen dont do queuing, we're far too important, simply barge in to the front and ignore the irritated demonstrations of anger behind you. This is especially good if you push in front of a tired mother with 2 screaming children.

5. When cutting the deal, remember to use double infinitives, refer to your client as "yerself" and "mate" and dont forget to bathe in "Burberry Brit" before the meeting. Deals work better when the client is unable to see clearly or breathe properly.
Extra points are awarded for standing with your knees 6 feet apart. Think 'man with rickets' and you're nearly there.

With Dean's guidance, I will be a millionaire by the time I'm 250.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 9:20, Reply)
Cinema Projection
Ah the hallowed back rooms of the movie theatre. Things I and other people have done when you either haven't been there (late at night) or have been watching your film.

1. Someone is watching you in the movie theatre. We can see you make out, we can see you stupid simian fuckers who insist on texting all through a film (you useless limp dick half brained visigoths fucking die). We can see if it's a half two in the afternoon session and you are an old man who feels a need to wank and it's us who open trap doors and yell 'Stop wanking you fucker'. Best thing I ever saw was two hot girls who thought they were alone make out. Alerted other via intercom and soon there was three guys watching from the rear window.

2. Sometimes your projectionist will be naked.

3. Often stoned

4. Another trade secret that people always ask about since fight club is the classic 'do you splice porn into kiddies movies?' line. Most people seem to think that if you take a porno picture from a magazine you can somehow magically insert it inbetween two pieces of 35mm film, wind it onto a reel at thousands of revs per second, then shove it through steel plates and expose it to intense temperatures and magically have the image both survive and appear on screen. The answer is no, we don't splice in porn because we don't have any 35mm porn stock.

5. We do splice in violent content from other films or innocent content into violent films. Yes it's noticable.

6. Yes it is no co-incidence that the oil company adverts seem to be the most scratched and unviewable. This is because of me standing there with a drawing pin against the film as it runs through the projector.

7. Movie seemed to start late? I wanted to listen to the end of that song / album. Fuck you.

8. After hours we lock the door and have access to our own private cinema. Deluxe. You can get horrendously mashed and watch all the old films in the vault. Or fuck your girlfriend at the front of the cinema in front of Donnie Darko.

9. This activity can also be done on the job while you are watching your film.

10. I make scary faces with a torch and a mask through the windows sometimes, just in case someone turns around.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 6:26, Reply)
Ive got a paper round*
And its me who's nicked that milk bottle.

Its also me who trampled your flowers jumping over your wall/fence to save time.

If you have a letterbox that nearly takes my hand off, i deliberately let your paper get wet and even rip it a tiny bit if im feeling particularly nasty.


*Not really, im on the dole
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 4:04, Reply)
I work for a delivery company
which has approval by the monarchy. Some things which you may/may not know:

1. The price of stamps have been going up a lot in recent times haven't they? This is due to the regulator making us deliver our competitor's (TNT, UKmail etc.) mail at a loss. To recoup the shortfall, the price of stamps go up.

2. Thinking of sending something expensive this Christmas? Either send it by courier or deliver it by hand. Last year the management thought it would be a good idea to let the casual staff sort the valuable items instead of the permenant workers and unsurprisingly items started to disappear.

3. Thinking of getting a job with us? Then you won't get a pension. If you have a pension then start finding out which petfood you like best as there's a £3bn+ shortfall in the pension funds and they're working out a cunning plan (in true Baldrick style) in order to correct this.

4. Fresh from his "success" at the FA, our boss's plan for the company is to asset strip the best bits (the business areas) out and leave us with the bits no fucker would touch with a ten foot bargepole (countryside, anything with the word 'isle' in the name etc.) and fuck off with a large payoff. While the company is in need of modernisation, this is not the way to do it.

5. The forthcoming stike I could do without as I'm brassic and would rather earn the sponds, but it's either accept the pay rise with the loss of thousands of jobs and the closure of hundreds of post offices (and you thought they were scarce now) or fight it. Either way it's just a question of time before the whole lot sails south and we get the same quality of product as we do with the trains, gas, water, electricity etc.

Length? Well you managed to get this far didn't you?
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 1:21, Reply)
If you want a cab
Don't assume that you are doing the taxi company a favour by calling us. We are here to provide a service, but we are not here to be dicked about by idiots that think that they can keep the driver waiting around while they decide which shoes to wear. That puts you on the 'let the buggers wait' list.

We don't do much naughty stuff. Apart from 'forget' short £2:20 jobs when there are no cars in the area. They get blamed on the anonymous driver who should have done the job.
Oh, and the fact that quite a lot of the time we seem to have no 6-7-8 seater cabs out, meaning 2 drivers get the fare instead of one. (funny that !)

Don't try and claim that the cab hasn't turned up as most firms now have this super dogs bollocks gps enabled computer system that lets us know where the cabs are sat. That gets you put on the special list where you get the drivers that shouldn't be allowed out of a secure environment.

Treat the drivers like people as most of them are and you'll be treated like royalty.

Treat them like arses and you will quickly get to appreciate just how long it takes walking from one side of the city to the other.

And another thing. Phoning from a noisy club or pub will get you put on hold till you realise that we don't want to go deaf anytime soon.
If you are persistent you will get the 'Hello ?, Hello ?' treatment even after you go somewhere quiet.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 0:05, Reply)
Bar
Compiled a 9 substance drip-tray death pint for an unsatisfactory customer tonight.

It was like an Everlasting Gobstopper.

And looked like mud in bleach.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:42, Reply)
Sex texters
I know a girl who is a professional sex texter in her spare time, pedalling her filth to innocent and naive clients.

The dirty secret? I know for a fact she gets off on it, sitting on her leather chair at home, one hand down her jeans as she replies.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 22:55, Reply)
In my previous job.....
....I stole enough stuff to re-build my garden to the tune of about 3 grand.
My garden looks blinding right now....Titchmarsh eat your heart out motherfungler!

Customers, please beware that if you want to bring a laptop in for me to look at since you've forgotten where you placed your files on it.....make sure that Windows Media Player isn't packed to the rafters with porn, and the laptop not actually on 'standby' mode...so when turned back on, casual clicking reveals some Milf being fcuked by Lex Steel (from about 3 feet away by the look of it).

And when searching around your laptop (because we do don't we!?) we'll make copies of the films you've got stored on the HDD.


I also used to work in a tropical fish centre, very much behind the scenes.....I was actually fired for no reason at all by some stupid twat right before x-mas and given 30 mins to leave, as I was not wanted on the property while the boss left for a game of golf....I hid myself and my bike until he left.

My x-mas present to them was to delete all my data from their systems....easy as there was no one in the office on the weekends, and only one pc, also to mix the fish up a little bit...some of the most deadly and angry fish were put together.
These fish cost a lot of money, and i wiped half of them out in the space of 20 minutes, and a lot of them were imports for customer orders....Lion fish, puffers, parrot fish etc etc.
All dead.
I got on my bmx and never looked back.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 22:38, Reply)
You know when you read
in the paper that "Scientists have said..." or "A team of scientists has discovered..."

We haven't. You're reading the journalist's interpretation of a press release of an incomprehensible journal article. Oh there'll be a result, sure, but there'll be spin on it that Shane Warne would be proud of.

Scientists by and large can't communicate (and often the material is technically complicated or fiendishly dull anyway), press offices want positive publicity and journalists know that "Apples cure cancer" is what sells papers. That and pictures of Big Brother contestants with their minges out. It's a whole web of misinformation.

Except the "Smoking causes cancer" thing. That one is true. Sorry.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 22:07, Reply)
Bad tiling things
Wanking in a customer's bathroom while they're out then wiping down freshly laid tiles with the cum rag.

Painting a HUGE face using a roller, then having to apply four coats to conceal the monster, and even now you can see it in a certain light.

Having a spliff in their back garden.

I shouldn't be allowed out in public.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 21:37, Reply)
0898 numbers (or whatever they are these days )
A dear friend is a professional actress and speech therapist. And not averse to doing the odd bit of tug material for the phone lines.

I must admit to getting very inappropriate feelings down below when she puts on the rather husky "phone" voice.

The feelings being very inappropriate as she's on the far side of 50, so old enough to be my mother.

Length: Depends who I'm calling at the time..
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 21:04, Reply)
Finally unlurks after many years...
Job 1 - the building site. If you micturate on an unplastered wall, it'll never be the same. strange things will leech through forevermore.

Job 2 - the large DIY warehouse. Of course I don't know the best way to level a floor, I'm only 18. Still, let's hazard a guess and hope you don't injure yourself with this power tool that looks like it might help. Why the hell would you ask me advice anyway? I'm only getting paid £1.42. Oh, and the paint machine that mixes a million shades? Well it'll mix something up, and I'll dab some on the swatch for you, then skillfully wipe it off again while you aren't looking. See how close the match is? If you aren't satisfied with that, I'll ask you to have a look at it in the daylight. Heaven help you if you want two or more tins. They'll never, ever be the same shade. (caveat...this was about 18 years ago. Maybe they are a bit better now?)

Job 3 - IT. I don't necessarily know more than you, but I'm better at using Google. No, I don't read all your eMails, I haven't the time, and you are not interesting enough. Yes I do know what websites you are browsing. Sometimes I may later "review" them at my leisure, thanks for the link. Fix a problem? RIS servers make reimaging much quicker. Well I told you not to keep anything on the local disk, didn't I. Director of a large Insurance company? Your staff don't think the offshoring project has been as successful as you appear to. Why are directors never offshored?

Length? That's about the long and short of it.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 20:45, Reply)
The LAN, or Matalan if anyone knows it...
Worked there for too many years while going through uni and got to quite a trusted position...

Did find myself outside slicing up hundreds of pounds worth of stock, that fair enough we couldn't shift for a golden nugget, but when I enquired to why we don't just shift it to a charity shop or a clothes recycling place (Hell Ill drive it there!) I got the response "But we don't make anything doing that", what a load of rubbish...

They would rather see it in a skip, unwearable (sliced to ribbons) than helping someone...

"But think of the publicity" I say... response "get cutting!"

Really was a rubbish company to work for...
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 20:22, Reply)
Disposable Cameras
When we develop a disposable camera we just wind the film through and break it out of the case. We also get out the alkaline battery out and stash it in a pot. We don't buy batteries anymore.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 19:02, Reply)
re:Edenmonster
or dyslexic/praxic and managed to smeg up her spellcheck softwear.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:55, Reply)
Edenmonster...
I'm a student, but I can spell pferectly fine.

Ha, tht showed you...
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:46, Reply)
Rape
I'm a rapist and there isn’t that may tricks to the trade really just a good hiding and watch technique and a nice hefty rock and or blunt instrument and Roberts your fathers brother!

Length? Not sure I’ll as you mum!
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:32, Reply)
Friendly warning
The third link ptentacle posted has pictures of dead babies in it. Just in case there are any squeamish types thinking about clicking.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:24, Reply)
Ever noticed
that the students who post answers for QOTW don't seem to be able to write English?

Is it a secret of university lecturers that they teach them incorrectly, for a joke?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:21, Reply)
evil animal research....
..is not as evil as some people would like to believe. Its nice to see that the once silent majority of the public (who are fine with animal testing as long as they get their medicines and surgeries) are standing up and telling these morons to fuck off and peddle their out of date paranoid leaflets to someone else, thanks.
I cant really say too much because I think I signed something... also anything i do say will be pounced upon by retards, taken out of context and put into a headline with lots of '!!!11!1!1' and moral outrage. (like reports of employees laughing about a monkey escaping james bond style through a vent and trying to cross the A12. I mean, who wouldn't laugh about that??)

Lets just remember that if UK research facilities shut down, the drugs testing (which has to done by law to a specific degree) will happen in another country like Japan, where the ethics of animal testing are almost non-existent.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 17:52, Reply)
social workers, mental health support workers, nhs and domicillery workers.
i'm currently at uni and need various jobs/placements to pass and have money. for the most part i love them all. but there all incredibly under paid, under staffed and hated far more than is really quite nessersary.

dom workers, aka careers, it must be a flip between them and social workers whose most hated. we can get into your house when your not there and we know where you keep your money/ jewlery.. but if we were motivated by that wed be working in mac-dolalds which pay more and i wouldnt have to wipe your arse and deal with the shit youve managed to get up the wall.... we do pinch bits from your fridge tho.

NHS used to have most of the roles Social services now have.. only when they closed down asylems, childrens homes, hospital for the long term sick, and nurcing homes became under social not health they neglected to pass any money across, blame the polititions not the workers, trust me we hate eligibilty crap and the beaurcasy of SS just as much as you.

social workers do not want to pinch anyones kids off them,, far far too much paer work, and no money. if your kids being taken away its going to be for a frickin good reason. your avarage social worker can't section. you have to be an asw for that. and need two dr's who agree... normally its the dr's wanting it and when the social worker really can not see any other way that wont result in mass homoside then the little pink form will come out.

and yes, if you never doubted your sanity before working in mental health you will soon. if you dont... probly worth getting one of your collegues to book you in for an assessment.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 17:34, Reply)
Life as a chemical engineer
I work as a engineer for one of the biggest and oldest remaining chemical companies in the country.

I am currently working on a test project that is massively over budget, excessively late, and we know won't give us any real results. However our division director accidentally told the rest of the board that it was up and running, so he is throwing lots of money our way to get it going eventually.

Did I mention that this project is located in the Caribbean? This means that I'm living out here on expenses, with a tenant paying for my mortgage at home, with only petrol (at 25p per litre) and my groceries to pay for.

We could have stopped earlier and saved a few million pounds but the director would have lost face. And I'm not going to complain about this. Especially with how being a rich expat makes you suddenly very attractive to the local women!
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 17:31, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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