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This is a question The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

So, Television is a hot bed of lies, deceit and made up competitions. We can't say that we are that surprised... every job is full of this stuff. It's not like the newspapers currently kicking TV whilst it is down are all that innocent.

We'd like you to even things out a bit. Spill the beans on your own trade. Tell us the dirty secrets that the public need to know.

(, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 10:31)
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This question is now closed.

Life's gonna suck...
when you grow up,
when you grow up,
when you grow up.

Life's gonna suck,
when you grow up,
it sucks pretty bad right now!
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:57, Reply)
Schoolkids!
ALL jobs are shit. Dont grow up.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:55, Reply)
Enzyme...
Don't be 'horsist'. Gay horses can do everything the straight ones can you know.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:55, Reply)
nickb/ crackhouseceilidhband
Nuts to the fact that there's gay horse porn on the computer - the fact that gay horses can produce and enjoy porn, and operate a computer on top of that, is what's staggering me. How do their hooves work the mouse?
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:20, Reply)
Right-to-buy council houses
First off, of course you'll get a mortgage to RTB easily, no matter what your credit rating. The lenders prefer it when you default on your high interest loan.

Now the council assessor who values your RTB house basically does three things: -

1) Inspects your house so he can go back to the office and laugh with everyone about what a shithole you live in. The top three was the imigrant family who hadn't flushed the loo in 6 years; the indian restaurant worker who was washing the previous night's plates in his bath; and the hand painted sign on a house full of pikeys "be wear! dogz on petrol"

2) Your house will be vaules soley on the amount of bedrooms it has, this is the law. don't even think about trying to tell us how your hand laid laminate flooring and hand build kitchen units have increased the value so you should pay less.

3) If your council house has a big garden, it's just possible that you might get approached unnofficially with an offer to sell the extra land so we can do a bit of property developing in our spare time.

Length? We'll have to send a survey team round.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:17, Reply)
You know the theory that if a million monkeys are given typewriters and hit keys at random, they'll produce the complete works of Shakespeare?
I'm convinced they're trying something similar on the BT switchboard. I've been trying to get a telephone line installed for the last six weeks - my initial order dropped into a black hole for three weeks, then I had to endlessly reschedule it because, in their infinite wisdom, BT sent engineers round when I was out (and I told them beforehand I'd be out then.) If you try and phone them up, you'll be put on hold for at least 40 minutes, then get told you've called the wrong department (even though you called the number which should in theory put you through to that department directly) because some twat on the switchboard pressed the wrong button. Repeat ad infinitum, and waste £35 on phonecalls to an 0800 number (which are certainly not free if you're calling on a mobile.)

To add insult to injury, because I'm too far from the nearest major city and therefore can't get cable, I have no choice but to install a BT line - almost all ISPs will only provide internets through a BT line. *head in hands*
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:08, Reply)
My brother used to be a postie

…and the shit he used to have to put up with makes me have some sympathy for the poor fuckers.

As has been previously mentioned, they don’t know (or care) why the ‘anal intruder’ you bought off Ebay three weeks ago hasn’t arrived. It’s not the postman’s fault. So there’s no excuse to leave hypodermic needles contaminated with fuck knows what in the letterbox now is there?

Verbal abuse, dogs set on you, having to talk to old grannies…we don’t get that in IT.

I don’t know how much they earn, and they’re definitely not in the same league as the footballers vs nurses salary argument etc., but they still have a pretty shit job and maybe deserve a bit of a break.

It’s just an opinion though…please don’t jump down my throat people…I don’t really care that much.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:05, Reply)
Joke
I don't have a story but I'd like to register a joke that I invented on the train this morning (4/10/2007).

Here it is:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a stick of deodorant!
Doctor: Are you Sure?
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:05, Reply)
The Post Office part II
I'd rather have my mail delivered by Boeing than fly in a plane built by the Post Office.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:53, Reply)
The Post Office....
...as it stands, is a crock of shit. A birthday card posted in Glasgow took 8 days to reach Edinburgh. That's approximately 5 miles per day.

Shit, I could have crawled on my hands and knees and hand delivered it faster.

I hear that they're putting up the price of a first class stamp to 40p. It's still good value though - 5p for delivery and 35p for storage. Ba-dum.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:45, Reply)
the british postal service is the best in the world
really, it is.

if we don't support it, we'll be stuck paying a fuck of a lot more for a much worse service.

yes the courier companies charge less at the moment, but that's only so that they get the business. once the post is fucked they'll jack the prices back up.

OK so a lot of post goes missing, because being a postie is seen as a dead end job, so mayybe it doesn't get the best workers. but the fact that you can send a letter from anywhere in the UK to anywhere else in the UK and have an above 95% chance of it arriving the next day is something to be proud of.

if we don't support it now, the royal mail will be gone, and then we'll ALL be whining about how utterly shit UPS/FEDEX/whoever are, and why did we get rid of the royal mail?
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:35, Reply)
Emily Bruce Dickinson
Why dont you park your over-inflated fat arse down on your bean bag? Then we wont be able to hear you speak?
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:28, Reply)
erm...
Some of us havent had payrises in years, work to tight deadlines, lost our pensions years ago and dont whinge and whine about it because WE FEEL LUCKY TO STILL HAVE JOBS.

How is it the posties' fault that you're a spineless piece of shit?
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:26, Reply)
more on Post Office workers
here's a secret:

got a job?
don't like the pay or conditions?
GET A DIFFERENT FUCKING JOB!!

this will prevent your fucking strikes from interfering with me buying my god damn house
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:15, Reply)
Post Office Workers
You've got a really dirty trade secret, havent you?
Take a job on, give it your worst shot, then decide to strike because you want more money to do a crap job, and keep your pensions.
Nice one. Some of us havent had payrises in years, work to tight deadlines, lost our pensions years ago and dont whinge and whine about it because WE FEEL LUCKY TO STILL HAVE JOBS.
The 1970s ended 30 years ago, look what happened to BL, the Coal Board etc.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 9:12, Reply)
tricks of the trade?
sick days. bless em.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 8:51, Reply)
Centrelink love
Owing to our shiny New Economy where even comparatively good jobs are casual (and therefore you had better be the healthiest, buffest person alive... and never pull a hammy either), I had to drop into Centrelink (dole and pension administration in Australia) today despite having been employed for about six weeks. (I choose to do this because I don't want to lose payments when I fall ill, which by a 'happy' coincidence has recently happened - I've lost about $500 of wages, so I'll need a dole payment.) I was expected to hand in a Dole Diary, where you record the names of four real and eight totally made up employers that you asked for jobs within each fortnight. Having been working for six weeks, I figured that I don't have to have this thing filled in, no biggie.

Unfortunately, because I had a few employment points backed up (allowing me to still get paid even though I was reporting income), the system wants me to invent, er, I mean report 12 employers that I approached in the fortnight before I started my job.

The nice man at Centrelink asked me "Did you look for work in the time before you started your job?" "No, of course I f-" I began before he hastily interrupted me "Well, we don't know that, do we?" "OH" I suddenly realised "Well... I'll just go home... and... check my records... yes, that's what I'll do..."

The "dirty secret" of the Dole Diary is... surprise surprise... all the overworked bureaucrat at Centrelink wants to see is some text written in the relevant boxes. There is no frickin' way they are going to call up some employer whom you may or may not have spoken to six weeks ago and who wouldn't remember you even if you had sent them a big bunch of proteas and a fat-a-gram. Centrelink (and Tax Office, and RTA) bods are very nice people if you don't leap over the counter and break their nose.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 8:48, Reply)
In Sweden TODAY
It's "kanelbullsdagen" ... Cinnamon Roll/Bun Day.

We're not working... we're all sat around eating hot'n'fresh cinnamon rolls and drinking coffee.

Americans refer to Sweden as a nanny-state etc... So what?? Have YOU got cinnamon rolls for breakfast? Would YOUR empolyers pay for you to chow down on yummy food? I Didn't think so!!
("Greatest country" my cinnamon-flavoured arse)

Happy Kanelbullsdagen Everybody =)
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 8:33, Reply)
come in here boy, have a ceegar etc.
So: you're an Indie band, been flogging around the circuit for 5 yrs.
& the man says 'sign here, y'got a record deal-we really really like yer music' &
'oh, here's 30k as an advance'
you put out an album, it does OK, you put out a 2nd album & that does a bit better-these are after all, all tried & true riffs/lyrics you've toured.
Then?
the man ses 'we've got a villa in LA, why not go there for 6 months-our expense & write the next album, being album 3???'
so, you go. no phone, no heated pool & silence.
you try to write but the band are wigged out, missing mum, brown beer, bacon butties, football & wimmin etc.
So, the band implodes, slowly individs. dribble back to the UK
& the man?
He ses 'we were only ever really interested in YOU'
& 'we'd like you to work with X, maybe Y & then S&D to put some killa songs n chunes togetha'
"Ah, but I don't wanna' you say
& the man he say:
'weeeelll, there is the leetle matter of the villa rental, your eats n drinks for 6 months, plus the advance we gave you and this contract here for 5 albums....as after all you are now the reamaining member of F indie band' (i like the pun on ream there BTW)

repeat ad infinitum. and please; DO remember that piracy is killing the music industry

length/girth? enough to choke 4 boy bands. in a row.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 8:28, Reply)
IT always telling you to reboot!
If the IT Department tells you to reboot your PC to fix a problem. Then its because either a) They havnt got a clue whats up. or b) They do know what it is, but to fix it without rebooting requires some effort.

Also, dont tell an IT Techy that you have rebooted when you clearly havnt. There is a way of telling!
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 8:22, Reply)
Advertising
I work in advertising.

It really is full of tossers. Thats all that had to be said
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 6:00, Reply)
Paediatric Gastroenterology
I get paid large sums of money to look up the bums of small children. We pump in air to inflate the lumen of the intestines so we can see the inner bits with the scope. Before we go in with the scope, we ask the parents if their children drank all of the bowel prep. "Oh, yes, our darling finished all of it, to the last drop."

So if dear Petunia finished the whole bottle and pooped it all away, then why is your child's arse filled with shite? When we turn up the air to inflate, it all comes flying out at us!

Colonoscopy assistant = dirty dirty job

Length? It's a metre long, flexible, has fibre-optics and has a light on the end.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 5:22, Reply)
Nothing big really...
Working in an office of a large state agency, well what happens? Occassionally, I take home a box of pens, some post-its. I dont have any daily dealings with the system, so I dont know what goes on there. Sorry - nothing spectacular about working for the state.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 2:33, Reply)
For bugboybeast
Possibly A is true. This happens quite a lot.
If you apologise and sound genuine then you will more than likely get a 2nd cab.

B again is possibly true. However unless you live on a very long road with its only corner some 5 miles away, this one is easy to detect.

C is just bollocks although occasionally I do get a nice sense of self importance when I can tell the customer that the cab that is a whole 30 seconds late is actually sat outside their house (Thanks to GPS) and if they hadn't waddled over to the phone to try and bitch me out they would have seen it arrive.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 1:03, Reply)
So...
Am I the only one who honestly doesn't have a porn folder then?

It's possible I'm lying to myself.


I don't have a job so there's no dirty secrets. Well, sometimes I don't work and I think the boss is a druggy.
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 23:34, Reply)
ha
medibot has just reminded me of my mother's teaching secret.

she taught 5-6 year olds who sat at four tables, the red table, the blue and the green tables, and the yellow table. the red table was for the mega bright kids. the blue and green tables were average.

the yellow table... ah, bless them.

it made me laugh that the kids had no idea they were streamed in this way. well, it made me laugh until i got roped into helping her out occasionally. hearing the red kids read proper stories was a pleasure. trying to get the yellow kids to stop talking about their new earrings and to actually hold the book the right way up gave me shooting pains across the chest. fair play to teachers, i couldn't do your job, not even for a day!
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 23:19, Reply)
As a primary school teacher...
I assure you we never call certain groups 'the dafties'. And we don't have favourites, especially not the good, quiet, bright kids. Oh no. Nor do we discuss the parents in a judgemental fashion in the staffroom. Dear me no!

As a call centre operative we never put people on hold if they are twatty to us. Nor do we use the mute button to eat crisps and call you a dick to our friends. We never ever, slip Take That song titles into our conversations Or write your meter readings in the air. You should be happy :)
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 23:12, Reply)
I'd never do this but.......
When you're learning to drive and you keep stalling and not sure why it's probably because your driving instructor is doing it deliberately to irritate the prat of a driver behind you who can't wait patiently for two minutes!!

When you get told to book your driving test just after christmas or new year it's so that you can't stop your lessons if you're skint and that way he/she'll not be skint!!

One thing you should never do though is think you've been taking lessons forever because your instructor is just out to get as much money from you as he/she can, believe me....it's becuase you're CRAP!!!!
(, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 22:50, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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