I recently landed a job as a travelling paperclip salesman
I'd like to share with you some of the dirty, or possibly more obvious secrets about my new profession.

My mentor is a twentysomething called Dean. Dean has a gravity defying haircut and talks in a sort of mockney patois, although he's actually from Bedford. Dean has imparted the following pearls of wisdom to help me in my new career selling paperclips to stationary firms

1. On delivery of your company BMW 1 series, as soon as you've hung your jacket in the back, have the accellerator pedal welded to the floor. You wont be needing it in any other position. Remember, selling paperclips is the most important thing on the planet, more important than safe driving or road courtesy, so getting there fast is vital.

2. The company awards points for the most agressive driving. It makes our reps look like big, hard drinking, glass-eating tigers of the sales world, so make sure you brush up on cutting up, cutting in, tailgating, bullying other cars out of the way and so on.
I got 40 points the other day for cutting across 3 lanes of the M25 to pull into the last 2 feet of sliproad onto the M4, causing 3 vehicles to swerve, and a further 2 to have a small collision as I forced them to stop quickly.

3. There is nothing more important than that deal, if the call comes in whilst you're driving down the motorway, shaving, eating an egg sandwich, filling in your expenses and steering with your knees all simultaneously, answer it. The law apparently doesnt extend to salesmen, so we're ok to do it.

4. When its lunchtime and you've stopped at the Moto services just outside Reading, there'll be a queue for the McDonalds, right?
Wrong! Salesmen dont do queuing, we're far too important, simply barge in to the front and ignore the irritated demonstrations of anger behind you. This is especially good if you push in front of a tired mother with 2 screaming children.

5. When cutting the deal, remember to use double infinitives, refer to your client as "yerself" and "mate" and dont forget to bathe in "Burberry Brit" before the meeting. Deals work better when the client is unable to see clearly or breathe properly.
Extra points are awarded for standing with your knees 6 feet apart. Think 'man with rickets' and you're nearly there.

With Dean's guidance, I will be a millionaire by the time I'm 250.
(Vic Flange, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 10:20, Reply)