Somewhat of a pearoast, but fuck it, it was the last DIY i've ever done
Long long ago in a rented flat far far away..... when I was with a mentalist highland bitch with whom I had mistaken lust for love.
Anyhoo, said mentalist was rather into, well not quite BDSM but shall we say kinky bondage with a few extras. She was rather more into it than me, as I regarded it somewhat of a kerfuffle on occasion. But as I was confusing lust with love and proceeded to fulfil all her desires to be tied up in various positions/places and spanked/fucked/what-evered. To give her fair dues, I was rather entranced by her kinky suggestions on most occasions.

This went on for a while.

Once day, having, I suspect, been reading too many Nancy Friday books or indeed the Readers Digest home improvements manual, she requested to be tied upside down over a door and thoroughly pleasured, i was rather/extremely dubious but encouraged by promised of unearthly delights partaken from her upside-down form I consented to help. This was an engineering challenge of the first water as she wasn’t by any means anorexic and I was thinking with the main brain only by this stage.

So I get her to do a handstand, protect her ankles with a towel, loop some tow rope over the door and her ankles, go round to the other side and hoist away. As she grunted aroused success on the other side i was stuck with a more practical problem, how did I attach the rope to prevent her falling on her head? I couldn’t attach it to the radiator, that would impede my re-entrance to the room and much anticipated unusual sex. So what to do? I failed around and spotted an old metal hoop on the bottom of the door, presumably to hold the door back or something (I know it was outside the room but perhaps someone had reversed the door in aeons past), so I looped the tow rope through the hoop and job done.

I stood back to admire my handiwork and to let the creative tension build on the other side of the door. Opening the handle I prepared to enter the room and my gf, only to have the door snatched from my hand as the silly bitch’s weight ripped the fucking door clean from the frame and wedged it firmly both on top of her and into the door frame.

There was a moment of dread calm as I rapidly achieved de-tumescence.

Jesus-Titty-Fucking-Christ, I’ve killed the stupid bitch I thought.

Until i heard her snarling lilt from under the door requesting in plain terms for me to get the fucking door off her sharpish you fucking twat.

Problem is i couldn’t.

Fucking thing wouldn’t budge, not a fucking inch, it was fucking wedged, now we’d only just moved in and there were no tools in the house, so i (luckly it was Saturday lunchtime) volunteered to go get a saw/crow bar and a new door, I’d be back in under an hour i said as i gallantly stepped on the door to get back into our room and get dressed.

This was met with a torrent of the single least lady like language i’ve ever heard from a woman. Ever!

I scarpered out, bought the tools/door and rescued her but a mere two hours later after several pints to calm an attack and a half of the giggles.

Freeing her and re-attaching the door was the last bit of DIY i have ever done. I haven't even touched a screw driver in 15 years.

What a hero.
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 13:15, 3 replies)

Bwahahahahahaahaha!
I'm glad I didn't have a mouthful of lunch when I read that, else I'd be cleaning my monitor about now. Priceless mental imagery
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 13:20, closed)

What confuses me
Is how you would have pleasured her, or more importantly yourself, when she is completely upside down with her legs together?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

@althegordie
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 4 Apr 2008, 20:57, closed)