Edenmonster reminded me of a pearost
I worked as a medic at some of the more "interesting" clubs in the Vauxhall area. One of these (not being named) was a hotbed of GHB (and GBL) use.

Now GHB is a nasty little motherfucker. Anything that is generally used as an anaesthetic agent and an ingredient in industrial cleaner falls under the category of "a bad thing" to me. Combine that with the fact that the promoter (an American cunt) would never let me call an ambulance due to the fact that it was bad publicity, left me in what can only be called "a slight predicament" on a number of occasions.

The medic room was a curtained of area of the main dancefloor. Noisy as sin, and hotter than Satan's banjo string. This is where the bouncers (good chaps, if not a little too keen on Bolivian marching powder and Special K) would drag their twitching victims.

One particular evening, somebody must have been selling some bloody potent GHB because I had 3 patients lying on the floor of my medic room all completely fucked off their nipples. 2 were completely unconscious, and 1 was twiching every now and then and vomiting.

The problem with GHB is that when mixed with alcohol, it can put you on the floor quicker than Josef Fritzl when the bailiffs come to visit. It also has a nasty habit of knocking off your respirations, especially when combined with diazepam.

Another chap was brought to me by security. This one was conscious, but had pupils like Sophie Ellis-Bextor's face and looked seriously under the influence of Teh Fear (TM).

When he was bundled into my first aid room, he looked around, shouted "lemons and cardboard" and collapsed in respiratory arrest.

One of the problems with this club was the lack of mobile reception. So any ambulance request had to go through the promotor (did I mention he was an American Cunt?) As always, he refused "oh don't worry. They aint that bad."

"No, I need an ambulance." This bloke might die."

"Leave it 10 minutes and see how he's doing."

American Cunt then wanders off to hoover up another party bag of ketamine.

I exchange a look with the security guard. One that plainly says "FUCKCUNTCOCKWANK" We need this bloke out of here. Pronto.

So we grab his arms and legs, and drag him across the dancefloor to the fire exit, where we call an ambulance to the back alley.

Of course, we tell the ambulance crew that he was "just found collapsed here. Honest." He gets rapidly removed to Tommy's, and I go back in to zombie-sit the rest of my little clan.

The end of the night comes and I go home. Just before I leave, the head of security comes over.

"Carrot, word to the wise, don't leave any personal stuff around tonight."

Err...OK, I think. I toddle off with all my stuff under my arms.

The next morning, an "anonymous" tip-off to the police leads to a raid, finding the promoter in his office with (and I quote) "a bag of crack the size of a grapefruit."

He now no longer promotes music.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 13 Jul 2011, 11:19, 8 replies)

Ooh ooh, which club?
Does it rhyme with 'Tire'?
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 11:39, closed)

Ah. Vauxhall FTW.
( Bathory, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 18:12, closed)

I clicked just for the phrase "lemons and cardboard"
LMAO, but no idea what it means though...
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 17:22, closed)

^this
still laughing
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 17:39, closed)

I think it means "I'm having a stroke.".
I've probably got the wrong word but aphasia springs to mind.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 17:39, closed)

Aphasia isn't the word for having a stroke.
Masturbation is.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 18:35, closed)

/\ second this /\

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 21:52, closed)

You win the internet
Google only finds one other mention of "Lemons & cardboard". If they were my last words I'd want them on my gravestone.
(Drew Badly Fiction section, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 16:44, closed)