Be Warned
For all those lovers of the weed out there I feel the need to give you a warning. One of my brother's friends is a heavy user and when my brother moved away he latched onto me. So it was first hand that I have seen his descent from normality into what can only be described as a state of obsessive paranoia plus zero memory. Whenever they talk about the possible long term psychological effects of marajuana on the news I nod knowingly. Mind you this is me, so please don't take this as a lecture because my pity doesn't stretch so far as to not laugh at his condition. Over the years I have witnessed the following things:

1. Me and a few friends went back to his house. On discovering that he had lost his keys he immediately indentified one of my friends as the culprit and informed me that my mate had stolen the keys to give to a mystery man he'd once met in a pub so he could burgle him. He also informed me that in retaliation for this he would stab him in the head with a carving knife. In reality, he'd dropped his keys himself down the side of his couch when he'd sat down.

2. We live close by so he rang me one night to tell me he'd seen someone strange hanging around one of our neighbours houses. We both rushed out in case something dodgy was going on and no one was there. Apparently he'd seen him go in the door. "Go in the door as if he lives there?" I asked. He went a bit quiet. "Well I reckon we can call off the police search." I joked to lighten the mood. "Yeah," he replied, "I should probably ring them back and tell them not to bother turning up after all." I made him knock on the door and apologise to the owner's nephew he'd just called the police on.

3. Whenever we're inside and he hears a whistle (or just thinks he might have heard one) then everyone must be quiet and everything must be turned off to remove extraneous noise. He will then sit at the window for at least five minutes listening for the burglars who are definitely there.

4. If the hard drive light on the front of your computer blinks more than ten times in a minute then you have a virus.

5. He once had a go at me in a pub for coming onto his girlfriend. Turns out my being a blatant homosexual is just a cover story. Fancy that! You would have thought I would have noticed.

6. We play poker quite often and it was only the threat of excommunication from the games that forced him to stop either; a) spending five minutes putting his cards and his chips in his pockets every time he needed a drink or a piss, or b) leaving them there and then picking someone random every single time he returned and shouting at them for looking at his cards/fixing the deck/stealing his chips. This has lead to some fun petty revenge though because now he'll be banned if he accuses anyone else. Therefore when he leaves for a moment I'll restack his chips in a different way (he'll count them before he leaves, come back knowing that no one's stolen anything but knowing they've been touched) or I'll slightly move his cards (he'll place them deliberately on the table so he can mark their position using the pattern on the back) and now I get to sit smugly watching him seethe.

7. Saving the best for last he once went away for a weekend and was convinced he would be burgled for his x-box (obviously). So to annoy his burglers he removed the controller connectors and hid them. On his return (to his unburgled house) his weed-addled memory meant he couldn't remember where he hid them so he couldn't play his beloved x-box for two weeks until he accidentally came across them.

So remember, just because you're paranoid probably does mean they're not really after you. But you may very well be after yourself.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 19 Dec 2005, 21:54, Reply)