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This is a question It's not me, it's the drugs talking

They make you do stupid stuff and say stupid stuff. Drugs ROCK! Old-time B3ta person Fraser says, "I remember turning to a flatmate once, after getting stoned and sitting through an episode of Casualty, and proclaiming "Wow! Those actors are *so* talented!". And really meaning it."

What do you regret doing under the influence?

(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 11:19)
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Big drugs
I had been involved in an industrial accident and broke some ribs in a disagreement with a goods lift!

Anyway I was in utter agony and a colleague asked if i wanted something for the pain. He had been in hospital with a hugely nasty break in his leg and was given Tramadol [which I have been led to believe since is a form of synthetic opiate]. He offered me 6 and said that I should only take them if i was going to be off work.

Well I popped one and did not realise i was off my tits.

That was when I decided to email the BBC about their coverage of the Iraq conflict. Hmmmm, not so good. I reckon the 4 page email [diatribe] went something along the lines of "nuking them from orbit" etc etc etc.

Not one of my better moments.

Got a bit worried later and deleted it, but dont remember much of that evening at all. So far the Thought Police have not been round so i reckon i got away with it, and gave BIG pain killers back.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 13:01, Reply)
Aaah Amsterdam
I hadn't been smoking the w00tplant for a particularly long time before I visited the magical city for the first time..

Sat in coffeeshops, smoking their wares in the same fashion as I would back home. Not entiiiirely wise, I had a Mars Bar and it took me 45 minutes to eat it, 10 of those was opening it.

Then, upon standing up and hitting the cold air outside, my brain seemed to lose all knowledge of a steady Y axis.

This resulted in me walking on pavements that were like waves, repeatedly and loudly exclaiming "ITS NOT ME ITS THE ROADS". Given the fact that the roads were indeed going up and down, I ended up going up and down with them.

This resulted in the spectacle of a 6 foot 4 inch tall guy singing DJ Tiesto tracks all the way down the main shopping street, while walking along bobbing up and down by bending his legs and looking like some form of fucked up happy meal toy. Huzzah!
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:59, Reply)
to "Tales from Topographic Oceans" and "Olias of Sunhillow" back to back. Brrr.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:55, Reply)
I am currently the proud owner of some very strong Californian Liquid LSD...mmmm....

Two weeks ago was at a party in London - was about 9 in the morning and thought I needed a pick me up after tripping pretty heavily all evening. Trundled down the stairs at this club and leaned into the bouncer and said "so - you selling pills then?" - oooooh.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:54, Reply)
Not so much said as done. One of my first dalliances with weed was making some well packed chocolate crispies (the simple mixture of melted chocolate, rice crispies and our naughty green friend as I'm sure you know). Me being a bit of a novice tucked into three of them and had a mighty good giggle for half an hour over the word 'rectiticle' that I accidentally made up. Then the new, to me, munchies set in. I was bloody starving but what was this? Chocolate crispies sitting right in front of me. Yay!

I proceeded to eat the lot of them and didn't come down for two days. During which I, allegedly, inexplicably referred to my boss Louise as Postman Pot for the entire time. She was almost as confused as I was when I was informed afterwards. I have a sneaking suspicion she may have twigged as to what was going on.

(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:47, Reply)
It's hard to pick a winner
These sort of stories are very hard to write about without sounding like a boasty twat. Still that's exactly what I am so here goes.

One of the most memorable was when I travelled to Birmingham to pick up a batch of Hoffmans, some high strength blotter acid. We got home, and from then on the night is a blur. I awoke the next afternoon in the airing cupboard, clutching a flowerpot with a telephone taped to my chest.

I clambered out of my cupboard to survey a scene of devastation. Every door handle in the house had a carton of orange juice pushed on to it, with large puddles on the floor. Raising my eyes heavenwards I saw, instead of God, a variety of pizza packaging and canned food and drink gaffer taped to the ceiling.

Cursing, I made my way downstairs, and opened the balcony windows to let some fresh air in. As I did so I looked down, and there, twelve stories below, was the tv out of my bedroom, along with the contents of my freezer (mainly belonging to my housemate).

Sighing, I took a stella out of the fridge, rummaged through the kitchen ashtray to make a butt spliff, chuckled ruefully, and made an adult decision to clean up later, after a bit of shuteye.

I entered my bedroom, and all thoughts of a nice sleep left my head. Lying atop my bed, snoring manfully, was my friend Pete, with whom I'd gone out.

He had become a home made mutant hero turtle.

With the shock arrived some flashbacks - the gaffer tape fun had continued and with the aid of glowsticks had made him some nunchucks, a gaffer tape eye-band (which later removed his eyebrows), a wok as a shell (it was never the same afterwards) and some t-shirts as knee pads.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:45, Reply)
LSD + the Curry Shop
One Saturday evening around 1991, me and a mate, i'm once again sporting my global hyper colour t-shirt, drop a purple ohms and a couple of 'strawbs'

Skip forward 2 hours, after being kicked out of the pub for staring at some poor girls jugs for 1/2 an hour cause we both thought they were 'inflating like footballs' we head to the local curry shop for some pakoras. We have to go in individually as we're laughing so much we can't speak. i peer thru the window see my mate crying with laughter as he gives his order.

My turn in the curry shop. Thru near hysterics i make my order and go and sit on the B&Q elcheapo garden bench they've got for customers. Being a big lad, i feel the poor quality bench flex a little which my brain IMMEDIATELY transforms into YOUR BODY IS MELTING.

I sit there for a good 10 mins, shitting myself cause i feel like i'm made of wax and i'm melting, bits of my body dripping thru the wooden slats. I Look up to see the guy who served me looking in horror as i'm 'trying to keep myself from dripping on the floor', at which point i say : "I'm sorry for the mess on the floor, Can i have a bag to carry these body parts?" in my posh-est/butler/high society accent i can manage

They gave me a bag, looking a bit worried, and my pakora and i left them in a state of bemusement as i wandered off into the night laughing hysterically.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:45, Reply)
Posh? Me?
My 30th birthday party, and as it's a very special occasion I decide to indulge in couple of lines off the kitchen table. I'm bending over and so blocking the gangway. Understandably, someone shouts "Oi Clapper! Move your fat arse!" I turn round, and with my best haughty manner, icy glare and lady-of-the-manor voice say "Do you mind? I am TRYING to take some DRUGS!"

I feel my poise was shaken slightly by the £20 note dangling classily from my right nostril.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:41, Reply)
Car action
I was once delegated the job of scoring hash from a less-than-popular-last-choice dealer. A mate drives me to the filthy squat in question in his shiny red Escort. I querulously knock and enter.

After 40 minutes of amusing hot-knife action, I stumble from the squat with the gear safely in pocket and spying the car (tho' I am wildly short-sighted), slide into the back seat.

The gadger in the driver's seat was nonplussed; his son in the passenger seat didn't know what to say, and his wife with baby on the other side of the back seat almost shat herself.

Red car, shmed car. They all look the same anyway.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:39, Reply)
Pill-slags and Gladrags
In times past it was not uncommon for my acquaintances and I to dabble in various forms of substance abuse.
On one fine summer's evening I was enjoying some delightful MDMA action at the home of a particular friends parents.

All was going swimmingly well until I decided that the best way to wash down the latest tablet would be with half a pint of neat vodka. This was fine. I normally did this sort of thing. After receiving the customary looks of disdain at this vile behaviour I resumed pretending to be a Swedish lesbian with my friend Tom; a double act of sorts albeit without any actual physical interaction.

Turning to my mate Miff, I opened my mouth to speak to him and .... BANG .... Darkness.

Then.. all of a sudden - I'm coming round... people are shouting... no, one voice is shouting.. shouting *my* name.

'Matt! Matt! What the fuck are you doing? Jesus!'

Opening my eyes I discover myself to be lying in Miff's mother's bed. The uncomfortable, damp sensation I vaguely felt earlier has manifested itself as a rather fetching and yet soaking wet floral ladies dress which I appear to be wearing. Miff's mother's dress. All of my own clothes are nowhere to be seen. This includes my underwear.

To this very day I have no idea what happened to me. Apparently everyone had decided to migrate to another room in the house, misplacing me in the process. When they came to find me an undetermined amount of time later I was doing a good impression of a middle aged woman having a nice lie down after having been violently pissed on from head to toe by a rather high-capacity yak.

Didn't stop me from boshing another few and terrorising the local shop at 7am (still elegantly attired in sopping Sunday best).

(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:39, Reply)
Mong-the-Merciful story reminds me of this:

I was at a house party once mashed up on pills, I sat down next to a gurning friend of mine on settee who seemed quite content smoking a spliff and ashing into an almost empty bottle of beer.

I had a full bottle of beer, I cracked it open and took a sip, I could see my friend watching me.

I could almost see the thought process going through his mind... Mmmmmm beer, that looks nice, I wish I had one.

Without thinking my friend lifted HIS bottle of beer to his lips and took a sip of the vilest, most disgusting fag, ash filled inch of rotten beer I have ever seen!

He excused himself by throwing up in a nearby plantpot.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:35, Reply)
Don't do drugs!
I usually don't.. don't know if this even counts...

Had a really bad headache once. Nothing I would take would make it go away.

In the end I mixed the following:
10 headache tablets (5 paracetamol, 5 aspirin)
about 100 mL rum
about 100 mL undiluted cordial
about 100 mL water
2 dissolvable vitamin tablets
1 large blob of vanilla essence, for no reason at all

then downed said liquid.

lets just say it got rid of my headache.

in hindsight the cordial porbably would have made it worse... but i couldnt think with this thing the pain was so bad.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:34, Reply)
T in the park...
my friends trip to t in the park involved...

feeding people poppers as they slept, so that when they woke up they would be wasted for no apparent reason

the chicken and magic mushroom pot noodle fed to someone else

keeping a friend awake the whole weekend by continously feeding him cafienne tablets and red bull and so on, done in secret so he spent the whole time wide awake and couldnt work out why

a friend who decided to try acid for the first time, who spent a while happily hopping about the campsite, to which my friend found out he thought he had jam in his shoes, which felt nice when he squidged it. for some unknown reason (probably alcohol induced) my friend then informed hiim that it wasnt jam in his shoes, but bee's, cue friend suddenly sprinting off straight into the side of someones tent (which he flipped over) the owners of said tent (who were asleep) werent too pleased to find him passed out onfront of the door...

(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:30, Reply)
Drugs...just say no, unless peer pressure's involved
I remember watchin my mate, Gary, getting pilled up. Half an hour after he took them he started running around screaming something about being persued by Smurfs weilding knives! Maybe you had to be there...

I, on the other hand, was getting stoned sitting on a wall in a park one day (like the dirty scum I am) when the effects of the spliff kicked in. I started to lie down and propmtly fell 6 feet where I lay for a while contemplating the existence of God or somthing untill I realised that I'd fallen on my arm and it really rather hurt.

Drugs make you stoopid! Yay for my first ever post!
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:29, Reply)
On pills
Back at my flat after a large dnb session at the End, all chilling and not having a clue what was said 3 seconds ago. One mate is eating a banana, about 5 seconds later he turns to another a mate, tries to speak but can't. 'What's this in my mouth?!' he asks, confused. 'You're eating a banana' another mate replies.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:23, Reply)
Magic Mushrooms
Me and Ms Ninja are very fond of the ole shrooms. Surfing the net we found a website that sold REALLY strong shrooms for dirt cheap. Brilliant. And they posted them next day delivery. BRILLIANT.
Ordered 45grms each. We woke up excitedly (and early) the next day waiting for my special delivery and when it arrived I couldn't have been more pleased with the quality of service.
As any true shroomer knows they are best as tea on an empty stomach. Made tea and we drank it (I have to point out that this was 10 in the morning). The tea was black and whoa this shit was strong. Brewed up a second mug full - black also. Couldn't drink it untill we'd got a handle on just how strong this shit was. Forced down second dose of this brew and then my sister knocks on the door....

"Terrorists have blown up London"

Oh yes, for this was the morning of July 7th and me and Ms Ninja were tripping our (metaphorical) nuts off, trying to come down, remember where London was and panicking that they might blow up the house next door (We're over 100 miles from London).

So not only did the terrorists kill loads of people and bugger up the tube they also gave me a really bad morning. Bastards.

*We now have a laminated action plan for mushroom voyages of 'What to do in case of terrorist attack'

*Insert own shit joke here
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:23, Reply)
birthdays and drugs
this one links nicely to last weeks question as well, i think it was either my 22nd or 23rd birthday and we had decided to go camping at a very small campsite in a certain city centre. One of my mates decides that instead of birthday cake she'll make a shit load of birthday muffins with a special added ingreadient, we eat all of them at about 4 half forgetting what was in them, mmm they just tasted too good! We wonder into town for a pizza express then drinks, but by the time we get to pizza express we are all fucked and get the fear about going into pizza express, "cos its too posh and they'll kick us out" so we go next door to pizza hut, sit in a booth and giggle for the next two hours untill asked to leave... remember kids, drugs are good and very fun
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:18, Reply)
Messy txt!
On a combination of MDMA and Ketamine I once sent the following txt to all my closest friends:

"I am beyond fucked right now, I am just going to find a small universe to catch forty winks in. Please set the toaster to high and speak nicely to passing woodlice" MEinFUNxxxx
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:18, Reply)
Only drugs I take are prescription ones but
I do partake in the alcohilic beverage... but as this is about the result of "other" things, a quick story about one of my old mates will do...

this chap (I can't name him for reasons to be revealed) went with us to a nightclub in the city one weekend, and while we were trying to get off with some young ladies, and get pissed at the same time, he went off looking for some weed.. at home time he shows up, and we head off... "I'm hungry" says mate.. so off to the local KFC we head. we went in, ordered our chips and chicken burgers, only to turn around and see yer man coming out with 2 full ex-large family buckets.. within what seemed like 5 minutes he had ate the lot.


bones and all.

the only thing left was the carton, and some chip wrappers.

"burp" was all he said on the entire hour long journey home, he just sat there with a stupid smile on his face. Next day, he had no idea what he had done, but spent a fair amount if time in the bogs... and this fine example is now on our streets as a copper...

(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:18, Reply)
No me but...
.. my girlfriend went to Amsterdam a while back. She went to a supermarket and got followed round by the cheese fridge.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:16, Reply)
Twas new years eve 2004.....
And I in my inimatable fashion got excessivly high/stoned/what have you
From what I remeber/have been told, i pushed a car down a road, dropped my trousers and shat upon a car (im so embarresed about that one) and fingered some ugly lass in the true beer goggles fashion.

With that off its chest, Polly flys away with its cracker...
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:15, Reply)
between ages 18 and 23
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:15, Reply)
Coned as a stunt
many friends all together.
much fun.
much drinking.
much smoking.
many games of Grass.

the munchies set in....

Like the muppet I am I offered to go the local pub to get crisps...

Jump into little white mini, speed up road, stop outside pub. Go in...

Crisps please mr barman..
Yes sir what would you like

10 salt and vinegar
10 ready salted
5 cheese and onion
have you got any bacon? no
chicken? yes
10 please

can't recall quite how much it all cost, can recall the offer of a carrier bag and going back out to find the car 'parked' some 4 foot from the curb.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:15, Reply)
Space Cake, Amsterdam, 2001
I still have flashbacks of those statues following me down the street back to my hotel whilst proclaiming that 'my teeth have gone all big'. Then everything started spinning and my mates turned into dwarves whilst I practised yoga.

Don't go to 'dam.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:11, Reply)
Cousins - Pffffttt
I once had full penetrative sex with my cousin after taking lots of Ecstacy at Shelleys Nightclub in Stoke in 1990.

She screamed like a fúcking banshee, mind you I would if I was having my back doors banged like a screen soor in a hurricane.

Drugs eh? - who'd have em
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:10, Reply)
Sleeping with a mates girlfriend
Whilst he was comatose on the other side of the bed
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:07, Reply)
Not me, but..
One of the funniest things I remember seeing was my mate, getting stoned for the first time (aged 21), leant against a wall. He started slowly sliding to the floor sideways, bent at the waist, until his wrist was lying on the floor. We aasked him what was wrong: "My watch is reaaally heavy".

We took the watch off for him and he slowly returned to his original position. Lovely.

Oh, and I played a He-man cartoon on telly with a playstation controller for 20 minutes before passing it to my mate saying, 'This games too hard, I can't get the hang of it'.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:06, Reply)
After spending two hours in the loo trying to hurl I had a sudden urge to go on an adventure and dress like a hippy coz 'jeans are just too restricting man'. We made it round the local mosque and back.
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 12:06, Reply)
yeah drugs..
yeah there was this one time, right where i was like at a party and stuff, full of people, really cool people mind you. There was these people i was chatting to, sharing spliffs and things, we were like connected, no matter what the subject was we kinda agreed and things, hmmm, any of those crisps left? shit, might be some in the cupboard, why do they call it a cupboard, i suppose you can keep cups in it, but what about all the other stuff in there, like we keep plates, glasses and other shit in ours... bugger what were we talking about??? oh yeah drugs, sweet man...
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 11:59, Reply)
Diazepam Fun
My mate John (24) who's now becoming quite the regular on this board via my stories, recently had to go to hospital for an endoscopy (the camera down throat thingy). Its a quick in and out proceedure, both the camera and the visit to hospital but there's an option of getting diazepam to make the whole ordeal a little easier which John chose to have. Now to do this procedure they blow air into the stomach to expand it so everything is more visible. It was this, combined with the slight mental instability the drugs gave him to cause John to wait until they finished and loudly proclaim "Eeeeeeeee I did a little pump!" to the assembled doctors and nurses. The smooth talking bastard.

He followed this up by ringing me when he got home. I could tell he was still under the influence just speaking to him as he kept repeating the word spatula and giggling. I thought I'd take advantage and started telling him to do stupid things. This was why he hung up and turned to his mother (who had to watch him for 24 hours in case he did anything silly) and called her a 'lily livered bastard' before turning round and farting at her.

Go, John, go!
(, Thu 15 Dec 2005, 11:58, Reply)

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