I like Pie!
Common sense is, to me, a completely alien concept. The majority of my waking hours are spent losing car keys, forgetting to take my wallet to the supermarket or suffering a multitude of injuries through minor household accidents.

On ocassion, however, I do manage to surpass the high standards of ineptitude that I have consistently set for myself over the last 25 years of existing. For example: last week I left work for my half hour lunch break, and drove to meet my fiancee at her parents house brimming with anticipation of what tasty treats I may be about to receive. "Fantastic!" thinks I "A hot scotch pie with baked beans!" And so I sit down and begin to ravenously devour my pie (snigger). But to describe this pie as merely 'hot' would be somewhat of an understatement. For my pastry and mince composition had been sitting under a grill for roughly half an hour, and had undergone a thermogenic reaction that had rendered it 'REALLY FUCKING HOT'. So with gritted teeth it was that I began to eat this piping delight, taking only the smallest morsels in an attempt to lessen the fiery discomfort. I managed to consume the majority, but upon scooping the last forkful into my mouth I was severly scalded. "Ow fuck!, thats too hot to chew" thinks I. So I attempted to swallow a piece of burning meat shrouded in pastry, which was roughly the size of a hens egg, in one go. It got stuck. In my throat. Not wanting to reveal my embarassing pie/throat dichotomy I mumbled a farewell to my infant son, my fiancee and her parents and made my way back to work.

I tried several glasses of water and cups of tea to wash the offending pie slab out of my gullet but it was to no avail: I had to consult one of the First Aid practitioners who offer assistance in situations such as the consumption of searing baked goods. Their advice was inspiring: "Well its made of pastry so it should soften up and slide down, but if its been in there for more than 20 minutes we need to call an ambulance" Not wanting to draw any more attention to the situation I opted to drive myself over to Accident & Emergency.

I casually approached the reception: "I'm hoping you can help me, my windpipe is obstructed and I have been advised to seek medial assitance". The receptionist enquired in her kindest voice "What is it that is causing this obstruction?" I replied: "Um.....well its a large bit of scotch pie" Her attempts at stifling her laughter were duly noted, and appreciated. Within minutes a very helpful nurse approached me, I explained the situation and her reponse was thus: "You should try washing it down with Coca-Cola, as it relaxes the gullet and the.....'obstruction'.......should slide down". So I drank some of the afore mentioned beverage, she gently massaged my neck and to my great relief, the irritant in my throat descended, unhindered, into my stomach.

So take heed, b3tans: always make sure your food is at an appropriate eating temperature; always chew it thoroughly before attempting to swallow it and if you are dumb enough to get something lodged in your throat the disoldging process will be aided by coke and a massage!

(Insert joke about undergoing a 'dislodging process' while enjoying 'coke and a massage' on a previous, unrelated ocassion)



Apologies for length: it must have been about four inches down my throat (insert generic fellatio joke)
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:01, 6 replies)

Please
put paragraphs in; this makes my eyes sad.
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:06, closed)

.
Other alien concepts would appear to include paragraphs... but I clicked anyway :)
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:08, closed)

advice noted.......
.......and request is complied with
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:35, closed)

It's Nice
When the newbies do what they're told.

But, on the plus side, it was hell of a lot easier to read.

Good one
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 12:44, closed)

I didn't see this before paragraphs had been put in
And of that I am glad.

Good story but please, people, paragraphs are your friend.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 18:20, closed)

Ah, the memories....
...I feel the (burning) pain. A couple of weeks before going out to the States to work on Camp Spoilt Weasel, my housemate gave me some lasagne she'd made. She neglected to mention it was at 3,500 Kelvin and burnt the inside of my mouth quite badly, which needed a dose of antibiotics. Just as well. The antibiotics they gave me were exactly the right type to combat the rather nasty tick-borne infection I picked up in the good ol' US of A...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 28 Dec 2007, 20:04, closed)