The Tale Of 2 Eccentrics
This is a tale that combines two meanings of the word eccentric with a disturbing yet funny outcome.

As you brainy types of B3ta will know, eccentricity is the behavioral characteristic commonly adopted by an eccentric. An eccentric is said to be creative, talented and intelligent and as a result behave in somewhat strange ways and patterns.

Eccentric is also a word used in Mechanical engineering terms to describe a circular disk that is solidly fixed to a rotating axle, this disk turns and the offset notion is where the term Eccentric comes from, i. e off centre. A bit like a peddle mechanism on a bicycle for anyone who can’t make sense of my distinct lack of ability to describe something.

Anyway, onto the story.

About 7 years ago I started my working life. I was excited, nervous and somewhat sick of the thought of my first day. As you can understand, these are three very contrasting feelings to comprehend at the same time. Mother was doing her best to settle her little soldiers nerves though and packed my lunch, ironed my brand new shirt and straightened my horrifically pink tie.

Off I trot, and eventually I arrive at work, only to be met with the horrific news that to gain me some experience in the job I would be demoted for three months from the comfort of the office, to the cold, damp and grimacing realms of a Midlands building site.

Spirits not to be broken I ruck up on site and the usual building type banter is branded upon me like, ‘son, go fetch us some sky hooks’ or ‘lad, go get me a left handed screw driver’ fucking bastards, I was a gullable twat looking back and obeyed there fantasy wishes like a nodding churchill dog.

Anyway, break time inevitably was canteen time. This involved eating grubby sandwiches, drinking horrific tea and lying about how many girls you had fucked in order to fit in with the quite frankly brain dead builder types.

It was the canteen where I, a young, enthusiastic, eighteen year old office boy got introduced to the eccentric in question. Except this eccentrics behavior could not be likened to that of an eccentric i described earlier, he was not intelligent, creative or talented. He was fucking saft as a bottle of pop and disturbingly perverted. In fact, he could quite possibly be the worlds first surviving brain donor, you know the type where your thinking, are you really that fucking stupid or do you get up early and practice?

Right, well, let’s just say ‘Bing’ (the name I shall use for said individual) was quite open about his perversions, heres a couple of his stories to put you in the picture....

He lives at home with his schizophrenic younger brother. One year, Bing decided to cook his mentally ill brother a lovely Turkey dinner at Christmas. Awwwww bless him I hear you cry. Except, let’s just say he left a nice little Christmas present in the said Turkey. Yes, Ladies and Gents, Bing had fucked the turkey, blew his man muck inside the festive beast and consciously fed it his poor bastard of a brother.

In the summer, Bing likes to get up at 5am to mow the grass. Fair enough, quite a good and productive thing to do. Until he decides to strip naked, role around in the freshly cut grass and piss all over himself that is.

On site, the more senior individuals would get apprentices including me to partake in various Bing provoking exploits. One I remember, was me and another lad whipping him as hard as we could with a copper pipe, to which he responded by purring like the happiest cat you have ever heard. To my horror he even got a hard on! Horrific.

Anyway, a few years later and I’m back in the safe office away from these cave men. A colleague and I get talking about Bing, and he tells me about a time he sold him a sofa. My colleague like me did not know what to expect when visiting Bings house.

He got there, to be greeted by Bing who proudly pointed out a swing he had made out of unistrut stolen from work. Bing beckons him in and I kid you not, the house is wallpapered from top to bottom, every surface in porno mags, lingerie cut outs and lads mags. Bear in mind Bing is in his late fifties. One cut out from a Littlewoods catalogue could be dated back to the 70’s

Yes, I know, a truly sick bastard. This is where the second meaning of the word eccentric comes into the story. Bing, being his open self invited my colleague into his garage to show off his latest boy toy. A bicycle peddle type device hooked up to a bench with a vice. On the end of the mechanism is a stick with a whip on the end. Bing pulled down his trousers and proceeded to wind this mechanism by turning the peddle, with every turn the peddle gets faster and gains momentum until the whip is lashing a good en’ and the peddle has enough momentum it doesn’t need to be wound by a human. Yes, the sick bastard stood there and shamelessly stood there grunting and groaning like a paedophile in a playground as the whip continued to smack his ass in front of my colleague.

I swear down, there are loads of other sick stories about this bloke, you have to see him to believe him. He’s actually an alright bloke really but strange as fuck.

The moral of this story is never go to Bings for dinner and never try and sell Bing a sofa.
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Thu 30 Oct 2008, 23:37, 3 replies)

He's not eccentric
he's just a 'special'
( Lord_Munkee, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 0:13, closed)

...
'He’s actually an alright bloke really'
That feeds his brother cum stuffed turkey? Dear God, I hope that's made up.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 0:59, closed)

He sounds like the overflow
..from the local gene pool.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Fri 31 Oct 2008, 13:22, closed)