Coffee arse
I can't believe I've just remembered this. Another tale of scuba diving japery.

Years ago some of the club went on a week's diving holiday in Scotland and stayed in a caravan park.

One of the lads (we'll call him Davey) could be a bit obnoxious, and was always taking the piss, especially after a skinful. One evening, after a heavy post-dive debriefing, i.e. piss up, the lads had decamped back to their caravan. Davey, somehat the worse for wear, declined the 'one for the road' and slunk off to bed, pausing only to undress himself before slumping bollock naked into bed. The others were still up for a bit more drinking and were by now very, very drunk.

One of them decides that Davey needs to be taught a lesson, having been particularly offensive to everyone that night. In his drunken wisdom, he grabs the coffee jar and a teaspoon, stumbles to where Davey is by now comatose, and pulls back the duvet to reveal Davey's naked arse, which was quivering rythmically as he snored.

Opening the coffee jar, he kneels down next to the bed, dips the spoon in, and proceeds to ever-so-gently part Davey's buttocks. He then inserts several spoonfuls of coffee in Davey's sweaty arse crack. However, while he's doing this, another of the lads spots what he's doing and is less than impressed.

"What the fuck are you doing"? he asks, swaying unsteadily in the doorway. "give us that bloody spoon you idiot, coffee costs a fucking fortune". And with that he grabs the teaspoon, and proceeds to scoop the coffee granuals (by now a bit damp) out from Davey's arse cheeks and back into the jar.

At this point, everyone has been hit mightily by the effects of a day's diving and excess alcohol, and all stumble into their beds where they spark out instantly.

Can you see what's coming?

Next day, as they are all nursing stonking hangovers, Davey arises and apologises for being such an obnoxious cunt the night before. By way of amends, he offers to make everyone a cup of coffee. Having been totally pissed to the point of oblivion the night before, no one remembers what happened and accept his caffeine-tinged apology.

One by one they are all sitting enjoying their brew, when Davey exclaims, "I don't know what I ate last night, but my arsehole is absolutely burning this morning. Don't think I'll be diving today".

It was at this point that collective memories started coming back, and four divers, in pefect synchronicity, pushed their by now half empty coffee mugs away from them in horrified realisation...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 19:35, 6 replies)

Pffft.
Nice.

Very nice.

*click*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 19:39, closed)

It's kind of ironic
this made me spray coffee all over my screen. *Cleeeck*
(Lupetherabbit Went straight into smirk mode on, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 19:41, closed)

genuine lol
have a click
( Krog3r has acquired some deceant lurkage, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 19:53, closed)

Butt coffee!
That was a good 'un. *clicks*
(Big D, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:44, closed)

"This coffee tastes like mud!"
"I'm not surprised, it was ground an hour ago"

Haha, that gets a click from me =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 10:39, closed)

This coffee smells like shit.
That's because it IS shit Austin.
( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:35, closed)