The team with the arse in it
As a teenager I was poor. Very poor. Why? Because I was lazy. Very lazy. I really couldn’t be arsed to go and get a Saturday job and at the end of the day watching repeats of Columbo and masturbating* is completely free of charge.

So when I finally snared a girlfriend I suddenly found I was short of the wonga required to keep her interested (she was an awfully shallow girl, but fuck it, I was an incredibly shallow little shit back then too). So I scrape together some cash. I sell some of my beloved Star Wars gear which had suddenly become ‘collectible’, I beg cash off my parents on the promise that they wouldn’t have to get me anything for my birthday later in the month (fucking magnanimous, me), and I manage to cobble together enough cash to take her out for a day she’d never forget.

Pick her up at midday. Fill the day with some entertainment. Take her to a nice** restaurant later. I had it planned down to the finest detail. I was gonna woo the pants off her. And how best to woo the pants off a sixteen year old girl who would prefer nothing better than being stuck in a lift with those two gnomes from Bros, a pot of honey, some vaseline and a larger cucumber? Yep – take her to the footie.

Three PM. Saturday. Highfield Road. Coventry vs Arsenal. It was back when seating had just been installed in footie grounds and most of the crowd were still getting used to the idea that you had to use the seat to sit in, not stand on. We find our seats – cost me a fucking fortune. Good seats. She sits down in hers. I stand on mine like every other fucker round me.

The game kicks off. It’s the usual old shit. The fans get bored. A chant goes up aimed at the opposing fans. Some Midlands wit had used the name of the away team and the fact all those posh London-types were using there seats to sit in instead of stand on and turned it into an amusing*** insult: “SIT DOWN IF YOU TAKE IT UP THE ARSE, SIT DOWN IF YOU TAKE IT UP THE ARSE, SIT DOWN IF YOU TAKE IT UP THE ARSE!”

My girlfriend, sat next to me, was not amused.

The Cov fans didn’t get a response from the London types; they were probably too busy watching their team play out some entertaining, cultured football. Fuck that. Then one of the blokes stood near me notices this girl, my girl, sat looking pissed off while everyone round her's standing, being all manly.

Fingers point, a new chant goes up: “SHE MUST TAKE IT, SHE MUST TAKE IT, SHE MUST TAKE IT UP THE ARSE! SSS-HHH-EEE MUST TAKE IT UP THE AAA-RRR-SSS-EEE!”

Ended that Saturday minus an AT-AT, X-Wing (with realistic battle damage), a Rebel transport, a birthday present for a birthday I hadn’t had yet, and a real live, genuinue breathing walking talking girlfriend.

And back to Columbo and wanking I went for another year or so.


* I must stress that I was not masturbating while watching Columbo. He’s really not my type.

** Cheap.

*** Not really amusing, but its good to do a bit of a mass swear in a crowd of strangers every now and again.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:01, 10 replies)

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha
*obligatory whine that it's not true*

These are all fucking amazing.

Fuck it - I'll go gay for you, Spank. Brilliant stuff.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:15, closed)

Smashing stuff!
But you can be honest about Columbo. We won't be (that) shocked!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:38, closed)

She finished with you because somebody else accused her of being an anal fan?

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:45, closed)

it was when he joined the chant that really did it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:46, closed)

hahaha

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:48, closed)

But how could anyone on the internet ever have had a girlfriend?
I take solace in the face that i'm too young to remember such seat-less times! I liked, I clicked.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 19 May 2010, 14:55, closed)

Let's be honest.
Taking her to see Cov was never going to work in your favour was it?

And for god's sake man, I don't care how slippery that cucumber might have been you never trade in a Rebel Transport for a chance of some...how else are you going to carry all of your figures round to your mate's house to have a fight with his Ewok Village!!!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 19 May 2010, 18:18, closed)

It was her
Ewok Village he was hoping to plunder.
(Rsoles, Wed 19 May 2010, 19:29, closed)

my boyfriend took me to a football match for my birthday
im not a big football fan but i love (sorry this is a bit patronising) watching all the away football fans go a bit loopy and start fights with each other. there's something about grown men getting stroppy about someone shouting something at them and trying to hit them in the face... its fascinating.

im not very good at chanting or yelling when people score. the first time a goal was scored i forgot to stand up and the second time i fell face first into the seat in front because my bag strap had secretly wound itself around my legs.

edit: this probably makes him sound a bit pants. it wasnt my ONLY present. the seats only cost a fiver each so he thought "why not?"
(ladyintheradiator, Wed 19 May 2010, 22:14, closed)

I've heard...
that they're furry little buggers too!
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 20 May 2010, 8:17, closed)