New Year 1996
A flatmate has got some lovely new sneakers for Christmas. I'm going to try these out, he says, and disappears from the communal kitchen. A few minutes later there's a glimpse of pasty pink and the sound of a slamming door.
We peep out of window to see a pair of fluorescent Nike soles and an otherwise completely naked flatmate disappearing down the street. Five minutes later a beaming flatmate and two police officers appear at the door.
Is this yours? They ask.
Yes.
Ominous pause.
Has he not got any other Christmas presents he could wear?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:04, 25 replies)

Google Jimmy Hill would you? Thanks.
(username failed moderation, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:13, closed)

Stalk somebody else for a change, weepy.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:18, closed)

It's desperately sad, really.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:25, closed)

I find it creepy yet oddly arousing.
Like being the night watchman at a refuge for abused and vulnerable teenagers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:30, closed)

Yes, I do.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:32, closed)

Hey Monty,
fancy you immediately jumping on yet another one of my posts to tell me I'm a stalker.

Is that a vicks vaporub in your pocket?
(username failed moderation, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:52, closed)

But I haven't called you a stalker, have I, you weird cunt?
It's 'reply-gate' all over again isn't it?

You really do need to count to ten before posting, little feller.

Then post a picture of the Krankies.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 17:07, closed)

Is that
the best you can do?

Jesus, even that fucking spastic Rory is funnier than you.

You girls do make me laugh, I have to say. But seriously, that's enough attention for today. Off you go.
(username failed moderation, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 17:09, closed)

Nice try.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 17:15, closed)

that's misogynist, check your gender privilege

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 19:50, closed)

Wonderful sexism here, calling people girls as an insult.
Did your mum not cuddle you enough as a child?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 19:55, closed)

...or perhaps too much?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 21:47, closed)

You should TOTES post a picture of a dog, here
that would be MEGA LOL!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 16:19, closed)

I'll be honest
I think you're doing this wrong. Jimmy Hill is for obvious lies. Not relevant posts.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 17:32, closed)

The poor lad's confused.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 17:47, closed)

You are a total and utter bellend.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 18:47, closed)

alright, bellend

(alright alright, Thu 8 Aug 2013, 20:25, closed)

Did he have other Christmas presents?
I would have got a sock and put it on his cock and said, "Is this okay officer?"
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 9:01, closed)

I bet you wouldn't.
I don't mean to question your virility and wit but even at New Year I'd probably try to avoid winding up West Midlands police just for the sake of a cocksock joke. Perhaps I'm just a big scaredy cat.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 9:30, closed)

From your story it seemed that the police were in good humour.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 13 Aug 2013, 9:07, closed)