The girl with the polka-dot knickers
As if Pleasure Island didn't sound enough like a lap-dancing club, the recently-defunct theme park of the same name in Cleethorpes has a long and erotic past. No funnies, no puns.

Four of us were celebrating our study leave at the end of our first year at sixth-form and because I'd recently passed my test, we took my elderly Austin Metro Vanden Plas (with the walnut trim and the sunroof. No, really) for a short trip down the M180 to Cleethorpes. Taking it any further wasn't a realistic proposition given that it had more holes in the floor than Fred Flintstone's motor.

Our pervy 17-year-old eyes were soon drawn to a party of buxom Year 11s on a school trip from a Grimsby school, and in particular a group of three girls who had clearly had an illicit tipple or two before coming out. Short of following them about with our tongues out, we did keep a discrete distance and occasionally hazarded a little wave and a smile. Sizing up one each, naturally, no-one wanted to be the odd-one out. Realistic about my own chances (I wasn't the best looking of our group, but I was the one with the car!), I started smiling at the third-prettiest of the girls, the one with the high cheekbones and braces.

Infuriatingly, in the manner of pretty girls everywhere, they led us a merry dance, until the waltzing teacups ride. Ah, the wonderful teacups. I don't think I need to describe in detail how difficult it is to keep your modesty on a spinning, up-and-down ride while wearing a school skirt. And, let's face it, these girls had decided not even to try. We all had a glimpse of a fair eyeful - my mate Andy was overjoyed to find his intended belle was wearing lacy black panties which were see-through enough for a glance of bush. And my braces-wearing sweetheart? Dark blue knickers with white polka-dots: a combination that still breaks me out in a cold sweat today. It's difficult to describe how enormously great it was at every revolution of the whirling cups, to see her raise her eyebrows at me, flash a metallic grin, and twitch the pleats of her skirt up to reveal the longed-for glimpse of gusset, then dissolve into fits of girlish giggling with her friends, who had all done the same.

Miraculously, we managed to break this saucy little trio away from the school party and take them for a long walk in the dunes, where Emily's (for 'twas her name) braces got a thorough examination, and the polka-dots were removed. Admittedly, this was less my doing than her need to have a lengthy vodka-fuelled pee behind a bush, but much aroused by the whole affair, I did convince her that we should have a little - strictly 15-rated - roll in the sand afterwards; and most crucially, before she put them back on. The whole episode remains a lingering erotic memory in the filthy recesses of my mind, thanks to the fact I have rarely since found a woman so willing to flash me her pants (and indeed, let me watch her having a wee in the sand). Good times, good times.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 16:59, 4 replies)

LIES!
There are no dunes in Cleethorpes. It's a crap beach and then miles and miles of mudflats to wherever the sea fucks off to at low tide.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:12, closed)

Well - some flats with scrubland at the edges then
About here:

maps.google.com/maps?q=cleethorpes&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Cleethorpes,+North+East+Lincolnshire,+United+Kingdom&ll=53.52508,0.025964&spn=0.0187,0.038581&t=h&z=15

Seriously, is this exciting enough for me to make up?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:16, closed)

I think we all know
You had those map co-ordinates bookmarked LONG before this question reared its head.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:31, closed)

What are you suggesting?
Do you seriously think I sit here and remorselessly beat off to memories of my old conquests using no greater visual aid than Google Maps?

Hmmm...

**clears browser history**
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:46, closed)

The dunes at Skegness are better
for such teenage firkyfoodling.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:34, closed)

I think it fucks off to the moon.
Although I may have misunderstood somewhat.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 17:17, closed)

This must be true
Who the fuck would make up a story like this and set it in Cleethorpes?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:36, closed)

I
was worried this was going to end up in the Tinkaboo factory. That would have been a whole heap of wrong.
(Picotee, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 19:58, closed)

Is this deliberately named after Beryl Bainbridges final novel
or just a happy accident?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:23, closed)

A happy accident
But I'm more likely to read that book now, even if it's not about fun and frolics in Cleethorpes.

It was supposed to be a vague spoof on The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo...
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:28, closed)

That was my first thought
I just happened to see a review of the other book in 'Word' magazine on the way home and the title leapt out at me. Although I should say the final word is 'dress' not 'knickers'.

Which also reminds me of a joke I wrote that I seem to be the only person in the world to find amusing, but I'll try it here:

I'm reading The Hare With The Amber Eyes. I don't know why people keep raving about it, 100 pages in with no murders and they aren't even in bloody Sweden yet.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:43, closed)

And what's the joke, then?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:47, closed)

haha

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 20:48, closed)