My Dad and his bloody fish stories…

Every Christmas, while the post dinner sprouts work their festering, gassy magic, the hats from our crackers go all lop-sided on our heads; and our mighty Queen blithers on miserably about her ‘Horrible Anus’… it has become a family tradition to entertain each other with stories and tall tales with which to bemuse, confuse, and hopefully amuse.

The subject matter, however…always has to be fish-related (don’t ask).

Now, being a veritable raconteur in the field of rambling inane bullshittery, you’d think I would be a dab-hand at this malarkey…But oh no, every year I clam up like the shy retiring chap I really am (ahem), and I let my Dad get fuelled up on Tesco Value scotch and entertain the stomach-growling masses with tales that would make Baron Munchausen himself say: “Oh, for fuck’s sake”…

Let me tell you his tale from last year. Gather round children, sit down and get comfy…

In Asia, they eat eels for Christmas dinner. They are considered quite a delicacy and are farmed all year round for the specific purpose of making the dining tables of folk who abide by this rather bizarre tradition.

Amongst the hordes of poor eels, packed into these horrible cramped conditions…was Lee. He was special, and had evolved to be far superior to those around him… for he knew was intelligent enough to realise his fate…

And he wasn’t very fucking happy about it.

Lee decided that it was time to get some support. He rallied round, and being skilled in fish-to-fish conversation and persuasion, soon managed to muster the support of a few thousand others. They were ready for revolution!

But as I mentioned – Lee wasn’t stupid. I mean, what good could a rampaging army of eels really do against their erstwhile captors? No, they were going to rely on the good old Legal & Justice system.

They formed a company, and Lee being a bit of an egotist, he named it after himself…

They immediately set about creating the legal documentation with which to earn not only their freedom, but a bit of compensation for their suffering.

Unfortunately, as you can imagine, it’s a bit difficult to actually write the appropriate confirmation of legal action when you’re an eel. But again Lee came up with a cunting cunning plan…

They would make a huge tray…fill it with sand, and squirm about in it, thusly creating the correct wordage that was required…before delivering the tray containing the detail of the summons therein to the elitist humans who had enslaved them and forced them into this treacherous life.

But what about the compensation package? What could they ask for? I mean, money is pretty fucking useless when you’re an eel…especially with the current economic climate (of which Lee was more than aware). But once again, our hero came up with the solution.

“We shall sue them for precious stones” Roared Lee to his fellow captives. “Rubies, emeralds – the whole fucking shebang! That way, we will be able to buy ourselves whatever we want…they will be a sound financial investment for our futures…

and they look all pretty and twinkly too”

And so it was done. The company spent weeks…painstakingly scrawling away in the sand, creating the legal order and posting it to the owner of the farm.

Upon receiving the mysterious tray with writing on it…the farmer gazed in wonder…and then burst out laughing. “What the fucking hell is this?” He chortled. “Who the bloody hell expects a tray of sand with ‘Let-us-out-and-give-us-lots-of-diamonds-and-stuff-or-we-will-sue-U’ written on it, to stand up in court? Fucking stupid twatty eels!”

And with that, he promptly fucked the tray back into the water, killed all the eels, sold them and made a hefty profit, before making a point of having Lee for his own Christmas dinner.

He was delicious.

So I’m sorry children, but this story does not have a happy ending. Nonetheless, it is the sad tale of : Farm eel ‘Lee Co’ does sand writ jewels…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:16, 8 replies)

!
!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:30, closed)

meh
Yours powers are weak Pooflake
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:31, closed)

Rubbish attempt
The title of this QOTW is too intricate, even for the likes of you sir.

Also, on a related note, rubbish attempt.
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:45, closed)

Oh I dunno
I thought it was pretty damn good considering some other attempts.

and at least you waited until Thursday.

*cleeeks*
(Jam Rasta Geordie JMG's Jamaican cousin, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:50, closed)

*Groans*
But clicks anyway.

How the fuck do you think these up?
( snee held his breath since, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:52, closed)

Where
is the "You bastard - that's 3 minutes of my life I'm never getting back" button ???
(Biff..., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 10:13, closed)

^^It's cunningly disguised...

As 'I Like This'...

/lie
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 10:15, closed)

Godallfuckingmighty
You get a click but I'm electrifying your guitar strings for the next gig as a punnishment (see what I did there?)you twunt.


*click*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 13:42, closed)