BILL HICKS - Relentlessly Yours
My only real full on hardcore episode of mental fandom ended with a suspension from school, a meeting between the Headmaster and my parents, and the ritual burning of a shitload of gear in a metal bin in the garden (it was sadder than the end of Jedi when Luke burns the big metal cunt with the Ewoks looking a bit too much like characters out of Sesame Street).

I've been a four-eyed speccy cunt since I was about twelve. Apparently its hereditary and has absolutely nothing at all to do with the hours and hours and hours of one-handed cock wrestling.

At school other people had their heros: Gary Linekar, Peter Shilton; one lad even had a strange facination with Liberace - (it wasn't really a suprise when this camp as fuck lad came out in the sixth form). But I didn't have anyone to idolise.

And then one day while trawling through Channel 4 late at night, box of Kleenex and a tub of Vaseline at the ready, in the hope of catching the exciting bits of a Swedish art movie, I discovered HIM.

And he was fucking marvellous. And what's more, he looked quite alot like me, right down to the dodgy haircut and specs.

At last! I thought, here's someone who's almost as cynical as me! I watched in awe. I was so impressed I only switched over a few times in the hope of finding some random late night TV tittage.

My school worked along the lines of your average prisoner of war camp. The teachers were the Nazis, the prefects were the thuggish prison guards, and then there were the equivalent of the plucky airmen who'd try and conjure up ways to escape. And the role of 'fixer' was filled by my mate Terry Hopewell. I asked my mate Terry if he'd heard of this dark messiah, Mr William Melvin Hicks, he had! Fucking wooo! I also asked Terry if he could lay his hands on any of his material. At the time getting hold of anything recorded by Bill Hicks was about as fanciful an idea as receiving head from the Queen (and God knows I thought about that alot). And Terry said he knew a mate of his brother who had a copy of one of Bill Hick's gigs on tape, and he'd get me a copy. Fucking super-wootastic with a pussy-flavoured cherry on fucking top!

A few days passed and Terry gave me the copied tape in exchange for ten Silk Cut (we had a complex barter economy set up in our own private Midlands equivalent of Colditz).

And when I got home that night I listened to Relentless about five times. I was so incredibly blown away by this man, Bill Hicks, that I even forgot to wank.

And then over the course of the next couple of months I aquired every scrap of Bill Hicks memorabillia I could lay my hands on. Every bootleg tape of his gigs. Terry Hopewell was a great help in this - I imagine if he ever gets lung cancer it'll be partly my fault on account of all the fags I exchanged for this stuff.

And then I started wearing black. Lots of black. And walking a little hunched over. I listened to those tapes and every inflection of Bill Hick's voice. My bedroom became my church and my god was the venemous-tongued troubador from Valdosta, Georgia. He taught me to disrespect authority and take a shitload of drugs - and who says comedy can be bad for the youth of today?

Then one time in school I was quietly minding my own business, walking from lesson A to lesson B, when I felt a great big fucking hand grab my shirt collar and yank me backwards, nearly severing my windpipe.

It was Mr Hart - the deputy head.

"Mr Hanky - we allow guests to go through doors first in this school," he says. And then I noticed he had someone with him, some faceless twat in a suit.

Now, Mr Hart was a monumental bastard. He was a sadistic piece of shit, we used to call him Barbie; not after the big-titted, blonde haired uber babe doll, no, after Klaus, the monumental Nazi Gestapo cuntbag.

Feeling the pain in my neck and seeing that I was up against a fella who had well and truly fucked me over many times at school, I realised the game was up and I'd have to apologise and be on my merry way - there was simply no way to beat Barbie. You just had to agree with him and hope he didn't fuck you over with a months worth of detention or window cleaning duties.

And then I thought: What would Bill Hicks do in this situation?

And I looked at Barbie and his guest, some official from the council, probably. And I uttered the words with as much venomn as possible:

"Mr Hart - why don't you suck Satan's cock?"

And then the world blew up.

I was suddenly in more trouble than I've ever been in in the whole of my life.

After a few weeks of sitting round at home on suspension from school I was allowed back. Though one more fuck up like this and I'd be out the door for good. And to make matters worse my parents, bless um, made me pile all my Bill Hicks gear into the garden and set fire to it.

Very sad night, that was.

But hell, now I'm an adult and I can do what the fuck I want... Think I might spend this lunchtime trawling round Camden Market in the vein hope of finding something new for my pride and joy, my monu-fucking-mental Bill Hicks gig collection.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 10:16, 9 replies)

Great post, Spanky
I'm sure Bill Hicks caused lots of kids to get suspended or expelled!
(Lizard King, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 10:47, closed)

excellent...!

Awesome post, Particularly the 'Barbie' bit. I had a similar arse-cress teacher who was named 'Stig'

Not because...'some say, he was a fantastic driver, or that he wore a white helmet'...

but because He was a smelly tramp like 'Stig Of The Dump.'

This post brought back many memories of my own cuntcake teachers.

On Bill Hicks though, I haven't seen much of his work but I know of many people who worship him as you do.

*Starts downloading*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 20 Apr 2009, 11:23, closed)

Strange to think that by the time Bill Hicks
was my age he'd been dead for two years...

Fuck me, that makes no sense. None at all...

Beg borrow steal a copy of Shock and Awe - it will make you piss yourself. - And that's not me who said that, that's a direct quote from the Pope.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)

I cannot recommend Bill Hicks enough
The man told jokes and ranted about stuff years ago, but his stuff is still very relevant.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 16:32, closed)

Great work !
Love the Star Wars analogies - gets my click! Also love Bill Hicks!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 11:29, closed)

I just scanned your post briefly
and for a second there I thought you'd told Tony Hart to suck Satan's cock and I was somewhat indignant.

Then I read further and realised you didn't.

As you were....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 11:44, closed)

Agreed!
Bill Hicks rocks!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 15:50, closed)

Mmmmmm
Goatboy approves of this, mwahahahahahaha!
(Helixdaunting, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 23:40, closed)