The Ultimate Festival Chat Up Line
My mate Jim declared that he needed to go and take a dump. He took a roll of precious toilet paper with him (it was late at night and the bogs had long since run out of the stuff), and off he trots into the night. Meanwhile the girlies in the tent opposite come back and sit round outside. Chit chat, beer, the faint possibility of getting some hot quim action. After a while Jim returns, the bog roll under his arm. Now Jim had been trying his hardest to insert piece A into slot B with a particular girl from this tent for the last two days. I could see his face brighten when he saw them (not the girl’s, when he saw the particular object of this festival’s affections massive bazungas). Jim sidles up to her and says:

“Hey, I’ve just been thinking about you,” in the smarmy, cheesy lounge act voice he reserved for members of the opposite sex he was trying his hardest to fertilize.

The girl looked up at him, saw the toilet roll and grimaced: “You were thinking about me while you were having a shit?” she said, a little disgusted. Jim appeared mortified. Now, everyone else was aware she was only making light banter, but Jim was never very good at picking up on this sort of thing. He immediately took it to heart.

I could almost see the rusty cogs in Jim’s brain turn as he attempted to come up with a witty, sexy repost. Eventually something formed, and he said-

-well, what he said made me nearly piss myself and caused everyone present to go very... deadly... silent... It was so horriably, terriably embarrassing that I really did feel like I might die, or at least offer to kill my spectacular retard of a mate to make the happy social situation return to normal again. (We could've chucked his twitching corpse on the fire to keep it going a little longer; everyone would've been happy).

Jim leaned into this girl, put on his ultra-husky come-to-bed voice and said: “I’ve just been in the shitter having a wank and thinking about you...”

Cassanova had nothing on my mate Jim.

The girl was not impressed.

Afterwards he actually told me he thought this line would make her knickers fly off and her legs fall open a bit like Moses parting the Dead Sea.

Fucking muppet...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 16:30, 6 replies)

Haha
Well, if he didn't get a new bird out of it, I surely got a laugh out of it. Cheers!
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 17:53, closed)

what a fucking twat
hehehe - love it
(Errin C, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 18:23, closed)

that line
might actually work on me. *clicks* Its funny as.
(jellyfish wish, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 18:35, closed)

Oh dear.
Being "that way inclined"* I could see precisely where this was going as soon as I read the toilet paper bit and the "insert piece A into slot B " line.



*That way inclined being as smooth as sand paper with miniature clones of calamity james embedded in it.
(ste_mc_efc, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 0:38, closed)

Ha!
Quality! And if it was true, fair play trying to knock one out in a rancid festival bog. Serious powers of concentration...apparently..
(superdanpl, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:23, closed)

to be fair
if you dont ask, you dont get.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 16:30, closed)