Glastonbury, either early this century or late last one
I'd been out in the theatre fields with my mum and as it was starting to get dark we were walking back to her campervan. We got to a signpost at the edge of a field and stopped while she got her map out of the little thing that goes round your neck and peered at it with her torch. I was mostly watching the theatre people pack away when I noticed that one of the theatre groups wasn't leaving. There were about twenty of them, all dressed like borgified mummies or mummified borgs with red LED eyes, moving with quirky, angular movements and - when they wanted to - surprising bursts of speed.

"Don't look now," I said, trying to keep as many of them in view as possible, "But I think we're being surrounded." My mum, a no-nonsense headteacher with a tone of voice that could reduce unruly teenagers to quiet compliant kids in an instant, looked up and said "Don't be silly, what do you mean we're... Oh."

By this time we were at the centre of a circle of these things, slowly but surely closing in on us. My mum grabbed my arm. "What are we going to do?"

"Don't worry," I said, shaking off her grip. "I'll handle this."

I stepped forwards to confront the closest borg and drew back my cloak.* He advanced menacingly, but was stopped in his tracks by a familiar crackle, fizz and hum as I drew my lightsaber and ignited it. I jabbed it towards the borg with a couple of quick thrusts and he recoiled from its green light, giving me an opening to round on a couple of other mummies trying to sneak around to my right. Reversing my grip on the hilt, I kept the lightsaber spinning in a web of death** in one hand and took my mum's hand in the other, holding the mummy-borgs at bay and leading her to safety.***

I've written before about how I'd once managed to Jedi Mind Trick Luke Skywalker into giving me a free round of drinks at a pub in Wolverhampton, but there at Glastonbury, having saved my mum from monsters - that was the day I knew that was no longer a learner, I was the master.

*A grey blanket that I'd got from the Joe Bananas stall for a few quid earlier that day
**Like Arnie does in Conan 2
***Which was probably the nearest coffee stall or something
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 19:58, 42 replies)

I knew you wouldn't let us down mate
Great story
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 20:07, closed)

No problem buddy
Glad you enjoyed it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 20:09, closed)

Two in a week. Skagra you are really spoiling us.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 20:47, closed)

The more the worms writhe
the more I yearn to crush out their entrails.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 21:37, closed)

I wish you were dead and your mum was weeping with grief.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 21:10, closed)

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:00, closed)

Suffering leads to a failed attempt at a film career.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:10, closed)

The hate is swelling in you now. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:19, closed)

you're confusing hate with pity

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:28, closed)

You will find that it is you who are mistaken… about a great many things.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:40, closed)

yes...using the words 'film career' in connection with you

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:42, closed)

I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:44, closed)

I have quite a bad feeling about this!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:52, closed)

The only true bit in this story
is that you went to glastonbury with your mum.
(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:23, closed)

That's the only bit that's not true
we went separately, I met up with her there
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:33, closed)

we've all been with emvee's mum

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 22:38, closed)

We're all his father.

(Roger McGough-Pipe, Mon 29 Jun 2015, 23:41, closed)

his 'father' walked out on him when he was a kid

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 0:07, closed)

No, he was a navigator on a spice freighter.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 7:36, closed)

How was it to discover that she was your mum after you'd been kissing each other in an earlier installment?

( Pig Bodine., Tue 30 Jun 2015, 1:05, closed)

Awkward, I imagine
You'd think the Force would alert you to stuff like that
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 8:00, closed)

I don't know what to make of any of this,
although I am left wondering how a group of Borg would handle a lightsaber.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 9:21, closed)

He's having a breakdown.
I think if you hang around and seem sympathetic you might finally get that knee trembler you've been longing for all these years.
(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 9:31, closed)

Cor!
I want him to photo me like his cosplay girls.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 10:30, closed)

Hahahohgod.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 10:50, closed)

What the shuddering fuck are you on?

( Peej, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 13:08, closed)

"popular" website r2b3

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 30 Jun 2015, 13:30, closed)