Getting the most out of your fight...
I’m actually a black belt in Ju Jitsu, and also did a bit of Judo. Haven’t trained for years, but when I was a teenager I trained three or four days a week, practiced at home, watched a lot of instruction videos and the like. Due to going to a fairly horrible school, and then living in some fairly horrible areas since, I have had one or two chances to practice. So here’s my SnowyTheRabbit, Internet Hard Man guide to fighting.

1) Can you get out of fighting? Is it absolutely necessary? Even if someone’s getting in your face, they’re just trying to intimidate you most of the time. Can you just walk/run away? Because you might get hurt, fighting, you know… If in doubt, leg it.

2) OK, so you’re in a situation where you really do have to fight. You now have two options. You can either take the initiative, or be defensive.

3) There’s often much to be said for being defensive: the fight may still just fizzle out without anything happening, they may just try and lamp you once and then give up. Most fights are like this. People are much more willing to threaten violence than to use it. Also, if you know what you’re doing, being defensive gives you the opportunity to react to their moves. Think about how boxers fight – they wait for the opposition to strike and then use the opportunity to counterattack whilst their opponent is not focussed on guarding themselves. Don’t be the one who loses focus on guarding yourself.

4) On the other hand, if you decide to be offensive, get in quick. Going at someone like a madman and trying to hurt them as much as possible is likely to scare the shit out of them and make them stop. In martial arts it is generally discouraged because you’re fighting someone who is trained to react, but if you’re just getting involved in a brawl in the street with someone who’s probably drunk, emotional, and not thinking very straight, then committing to attacking them may be your best option.

5) Now assuming they haven’t given up and you haven’t legged it, you have to attack at some point – this is true whether you’re being defensive or offensive. Hurt them. Lots and lots and lots. And as quickly as possible. A kick to the goolies is good, but you generally find most men have such an inbuilt protective instinct that it’s actually harder than you think to get someone this way. A hard kick to the knee is much more likely to hit home as they probably have their feet rooted to the ground, and it hurts like fuck and stops them chasing you (caveat: you may break their knee). Another point is that you probably don’t want to punch them close-fisted to the head, because it will hurt you as much as it hurts them if you make a decent contact. Boxers have great big gloves on for this exact reason, but you won’t. Try punching open-handed with the ball of your hand if you go for anything hard. Also, why always go for the head? That's what they expect. A punch to the solarplexus will wind someone badly,and if you miss you’re likely to get the gut or the throat, both of which also work quite well. Don’t try to kick them anywhere above the knee – even people who do martial arts all the time know that this hardly ever works.

6) If all else fails, and you haven’t now run away/hurt them enough to stop fighting, you need to take them down to the ground. Most fights end up on the floor, and whoever brings you both down has the advantage, generally. Trip them, throw them, push them… whatever works. Get on top of them, so they can’t get away. DO NOT try and punch them. You won’t get any force behind it and you’ll probably miss and punch the floor anyway. If necessary, use your elbows. Mainly, though, I’d advise using this as an opportunity to end the fight by getting other people involved to break it up, or calming them down yourself. Remember to keep your head down at this point or they’ll use a loose arm or leg to get you.

7) Most importantly of all, after a fight, it’s important to think about how you bring it up in conversation. You don’t want to sound like you’re a total bullshitter, or a violent thug, but you do want people to know that you’re a hard man. Try to make sure any injuries are on display (short sleeves are good for bruises, and the like), and then when someone asks you what happened, seem reluctant to answer at first, before casually explaining that you had to get in a fight. It’s important not to exaggerate too much at this point: stick close to the actual facts. No one will believe you if you claim to have pasted three big guys, but they might believe slighter exaggerations. Also, you generally get a better reaction if you can blend their admiration for your fighting skills with a bit of sensitivity. After explaining how you beat the shit out of the guy who tried to rob you, try adding ‘Still, though, I was really shaken up by the whole thing. And I hope I didn’t hurt him too much, despite everything…’. This will ensure women fuss over you whilst also admiring your hard man credentials.

In short, though, and in all seriousness, don’t get in a fight unless you can't avoid it. You don't want to end up in Casualty with a glass in your face.

The golden rules are: Run when you can. Don’t forget to defend yourself. Don’t do anything that’s going to hurt you more than them. Get it over with quickly.

Happy scrapping!
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:17, 21 replies)

Another tip.
In this melee, if you happen to be the guy on the floor with some fucker sitting on you, pinching the inside of the thigh might seem a bit girly, but it hurts like a mother fucker and 9 times out of ten will get him off of you.

And I mean pinch like you're trying to take a chunk out of his leg.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:27, closed)

yes it does,
At chucking out time I've even nipped another blokes nut betwixt tip of thumb and side of forefinger whilst being half squashed on the ground to convince the drunken arsey fuckwit that trying to kick the shit out of a me was a silly idea and it wasn't going to impress my girlfriend enough to make her want to go home with him.
(Finster Ate a cat biscuit for a bet, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 23:46, closed)

I reckon I could probably take you.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:47, closed)

Quite probably
I'm now just a chubby 30 year old.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:49, closed)

Me, too.
We should settle our differences like men - over a pint and a packet of scratchings.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 22:26, closed)

One thing I will bet you
is that I can eat more scratchings in a single session. And probably more mild ale.

You know where to find me...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 0:24, closed)

I'll take both of you on at the same time for that challenge
you wimps!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 17 Mar 2013, 6:38, closed)

Guns for show, knives for a pro.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 13:15, closed)

Thanks
Mr. Norris.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 13:48, closed)

You're welcome
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120324224649/mlpfanart/images/a/ab/3879_-_animated_gif_chuck_norris_dodgeball_thumbs_up.gif
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:00, closed)

All good, sound advice.
I always tell pupils before a competition that the real winner is the first to score a point, because in a real fight, that’s generally the person that would win.

I’d also advise anyone to practice at least one or two moves – over and over again. Most of the speed in martial arts is down to reaction rather than thinking, and you want at least one block and attack that won’t end up breaking your arm in the process. The heel of your hand is a good one, aiming for the chin. You’re going to get anything from the chest, throat, chin, nose or forehead as your hand moves up, and it’s an attack most people won’t see coming.

Finally, if you are going to hit someone, I would certainly suggest you make sure that it’s not right in front of CCTV. If someone attacks me and I have to defend myself it’s bad enough, without then having to defend myself in court if you do them serious damage.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 13:48, closed)

The most effective way
to deal with those sort of people is to shove them into lamp posts.
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:28, closed)

Use their momentum (and stupidity) to your advantage.
You’re gonna be busy this week, taking the moral high-ground on situations you know nothing about.
Good luck with that.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:36, closed)

Thwow him
to the floor!
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:46, closed)

blah blah wall of text showing off.
thanks for your time, though.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:05, closed)

I'm sorry
I forgot that there were people like you on here who'd find my ability to type a long answer 'showing off'.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:35, closed)

Claiming you can walk and talk at the same time is seen as boasting here.
There's a lot of low achieving mouth-breathers around unfortunately.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:38, closed)

And Janet
is at the forefront of them.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 20 Mar 2013, 17:52, closed)

All good sound advice.
First rule of many martial arts: Avoid.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:14, closed)

Is this like Rex-Kwon-Do?
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:18, closed)

Pretty much
yeah
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 14:35, closed)