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This is a question How clean is your house?

"Part of my kitchen floor are thick with dust, grease, part of a broken mug, a few mummified oven-chips, a desiccated used teabag and a couple of pieces of cutlery", says Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. To most people, that's filth. To some of us, that's dinner. Tell us about squalid homes or obsessive cleaners.

(, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 13:00)
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I've been to a few whilst on my travels.

SHITHOLE #1: Sandfields Estate, Port Talbot

The sign on the door said something along the lines of "This house is for the benefit of our dogs, if you don't like it - tough" which gave a clue as to what lay within.

You know when people have an outhouse that they've been keeping coal in? That grimy dirtiness? Well in this case it wasn't the outhouse. It was the hallway. Proceed into the living room, admire the shelves that have been attached to the walls with a nail gun, and settle down on the brown (may or may not be its natural colour) carpet to do my work.

Now one of my work tools is an anti-static mat. It stops things getting zapped by static. It stops me leaving bits of wire everywhere. It stops me burning a hole in your carpet with my soldering iron. In this case it had a fourth purpose: it keeps my knees off your carpet.

SHITHOLE #2: Loughor, Near Swansea

Doesn't look as bad as shithole #1, but looks can be deceiving. I kneel down on the floor to get to work and - aaaagh, what's that seeping through my jeans? Dog piss, that's what.

I ended up kneeling on an anti-static bag for the duration of the job. Once I left I made a bee-line for Tesco as my jeans were absolutely BUZZING. Straight to the clothes aisles, bought my first ever pair of 501s, went straight to the toilets and changed into them. The jeans went in the bag and straight in the wash when I got home. The antistatic bag, which had served its master well for several months, was a lost cause and went in the bin.

SHITHOLE #3: Godreaman, Aberdare

You get some places where you could eat your dinner off the floor. Others look like somebody's beaten you to it. This fell into the latter category.

Now my house is a tip, but at least any bits found in the carpet are bits of plastic, metal, wood and the like, as I'm still doing the house up years after moving in. This house had carpet like mine, but replace all the bits of DIY detritus with bits of food and you get the picture. They can't have had a dog, 'cos a terrier would feast for a week on the contents of the living room flooring. Another "kneel on the mat" moment for me.

SHITHOLE #4: Cwmbran

This was a repair job in a bedroom, overlooking the main road and the shopping centre. All I'll say is the sheets on this lad's bed clearly hadn't been changed in a looooong time. As in "ever". The sheets were the same colour as the background of the "Main Board, Talk Board, etc." bar at the top of this page, or maybe a little darker.

SHITHOLE #5: Treorchy, Rhondda

The money spent on the gardenful of inflatable Christmas decorations would be better spent on a vacuum cleaner and a bottle of Flash All-Purpose, as you could smell the house from outside the front door. No mat required on this job, so managed to work by squatting down, my feet were the only thing that were going to touch THAT floor!

I've kept a pot of Vick's Vapo-rub in the car in the past, to rub under my nostrils when visiting such "problem places" like the coroners do. Every time I've visited this one though, I've forgotten the pot. Bugger.

I had to use the loo there on one occasion. Bath was crammed full of washing, so goodness knows where they put that when they want to actually USE the bath, anything that hit the floor would have to go on a boil wash!

If I can think of any more shitholes I've visited I'll be sure to post them here.
(, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 20:38, 5 replies)

My brother used to work for Rhondda Cyon Taff doing refurbs on houses so your storys ring oh so true. He once went to a house where the crackhead owners had not only sold every stick of furniture plus the fitted kitchen, doors, windows and radiators but also the bath, sink & toilet. As a result the were shitting in the hole where the toilet had been, needless to their aim was frequently off and there was an enormous pile of poo surronding the hole. They stopped this practice and began shitting out of the back window instead. Nice.
(, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 22:37, closed)
Ah, that reminds me
Speaking to the guy who fitted my new electricity meter, he told me that he was working in someone's house and sat in dogshit. Nice.
(, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 23:44, closed)
"You get some places where you could eat your dinner off the floor. Others look like somebody's beaten you to it. This fell into the latter category."
Phrase of the week!
(, Sat 27 Mar 2010, 1:25, closed)
In a former existence
I was a housing officer, mainly dealing with repairs. Don't you think that if you report a problem with your lav,i.e the pan is cracked, that you would at least flush the turd away first before the inspector comes to check it out?
And one unsavoury child of what can only be described as a full on loony tunes, managed to crap in the electricians toolbag!
(, Sat 27 Mar 2010, 14:33, closed)
(, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 12:54, closed)

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