Smoking Is Bad For You
One cold and snowy winters night, when I was a mere teenager, me and some friends had been spending the night wandering the streets drinking whatever we'd managed to sneak past the old biddy at the off license. Feeling the impending need to wee I disappeared off behind some garages and prepared, with glee, to write my name in the snow.

I undid my flies and fished out 'the womb broom ' as I 'hilariously' called it at that age. As I did so I noticed my right hand was incredibly cold so clamped my cigarette between my teeth and switched hands. No sooner had I begun my fun deed (I think I'd written the G and the L) then I realised that my left hand was also incredibly cold so switched my hands back. Of course this time I forgot to clamp my cigarette between my teeth first.

I'd like to think that it was so cold my hand was numb and I couldn't feel the cigarette but the chances are that I'm just that stupid. Can you guess what happened next people? That's right. I jabbed myself in the cock with a lit cigarette.

Marvellous!

Sadly, it didn't stop there. Such was the shock that I dropped the cigarette and because God loves me it fell harmlessly to the ground. Or, as actually happened, I was waving my arms around in pain and somehow threw/dropped it past my frazzled member and through the opening of my boxer shorts.

Splendid!

With hindsight I could have just shoved my blistered willy back through my flies and fought fire with, well, wee. Instead, what followed can only be described as several (painfully long) seconds of spazzed out, agony filled, wee fountaining, break dancing.

According to my mates, behind me now after being alerted by the yelling, it was oddly akin to something that made millions for a certain MC Hammer. All it made for me was a smokey skid mark in my underwear and a few days of cautionary slowness when having a good old tug.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 7 Nov 2005, 19:14, Reply)