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This is a question Fire!

We were all in my aunt's kitchen at the back of her huge rambling Victorian house. I was only small and had wandered off to go to the loo, but given up after finding the hall full of smoke. "That was quick," my mum said after a few minutes. "Yes - it's all smoky," I replied.

I've never seen adults move so fast.

So, like my cousin who'd managed to set fire to the roof, tell us your fire stories.

(, Thu 3 Nov 2005, 9:11)
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This question is now closed.

In a barn in the lakes, loads of mates, booze and the odd herb or two. Lighting farts. Mine weren't lighting so at the bequest of mates I downed the boxers for full lighting effect.

Being pissed etc, i wasn't so good with the lighter.

I set fire to my fecking pubes! I would not wish the image of looking down to see my sack on fire on anyone...

After dousing it with beer the damage was minimal. And people wonder why I always shave now...
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:26, Reply)
I am the god of hellfire and I bring you...
I’ve always been a bit of a coward around fire so have never set fire to myself, my friends, my possessions etc. so I will admit straight away that this is not a story relating to me, but one that happened to a friend. However, it’s still too funny not to repeat.

My friend was at a party where this chap we shall call Steve was trying to impress the ladies with his ability to light his own farts. Now, this is an activity fraught with danger and given that this question is about fire, I think you will be able to tell where it’s going. Having already demonstrated his ability several times, it took the egging on of several attractive ladies to get Steve to perform one more pyroflatulent display. On this occasion thought, there simply wasn’t enough power behind the puff so the small, flickering blue dart that appeared from his arse lasted a second before shooting up into his anus.

The smell of burning hair was incredible. And there was this weird, inhuman screaming coming from somewhere. Unsurprisingly, it was coming from Steve, who was jumping up and down, his trousers round his ankles, smacking his bottom trying to put out the fire that was slowly toasting his colon. Witnesses later reported his bare buttocks glowing red.

Curling himself up into a foetal ball of pain, it took several friends to bundle him into the car to take him to hospital. This effort was hindered however by the fact that all of them were rendered almost inert by paroxysms of laughter. You know the kind? Where the eyes are squinted shut, pissing out tears, the mouth seems to have a case of lockjaw and balance and co-ordination are almost impossible?

So there’s an estate car with four people in it, Steve stretched out, face down over the passengers in the backseat, his arse hanging out and a cacophony of laughter and girly screaming coming from it, hurtling towards the hospital. I’m just glad the cops didn’t stop them.

Upon reaching the hospital, Steve is brought into casualty between my friend and another mate who have both managed to get down to just giggling. So there’s two mates, barely able to talk and between them, a pissed and whimpering Steve with his trolleys round his ankles, tackle out for all to see. As if to cap the comedy of it all, out comes a huge matron-type nurse who is distinctly unamused. She folds her arms and asks what happened. Cue both mates cracking up with laughter again, dropping Steve to the ground who instantly starts screaming once more.

The last they saw of Steve was him being wheeled away face down on a stretcher with the nurse following carrying the largest jar of Vaseline you have ever seen.

Not a big fire admittedly, but very dangerous none the less!
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:02, Reply)
Oh dear...
I went to work one early morning whilst working in the capital...

It was really cold and dark and to be honest, I couldn't really be bothered with working...

It was really hot in the store and I must admit I might have drifted off in the heat to find the whole bakery on fire.

Naturally, I legged it...

It burned down the shop. A bit of Pudding lane. And most of London as well.
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 12:27, Reply)
i once
put a stack of crackers against my outside back wall, and set them alight, looking at the pretty flames i didnt realised it was also marking the wall. Once it was all over a 2 foot black mark was now etched into the wall and took ages to get off. Pftt never again them crazy days are over!
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 11:49, Reply)
fire.... works
a french member of my (rowing) club, also a heavy drinker, set off a large rocket from our balcony at a 20 degree angle.

it flew across the thames to the houses opposite where it hit a roof, detonated, and by the account of the old lady who complained the next day, scared her small dog to death.

poor thing.
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 11:49, Reply)
College Capers
It was the end of university. My best mate had just finished his last exam, and turns up at my room slightly sozzled and says "I want to burn all my notes". "Great idea," I said - having been given the pyromania bug at an early age - "we can do it in here, in this metal bin."

So we proceeded to stuff a metal waste paper bin with waste paper. Chucked in a match and sat back to enjoy the fire. A fire which leaped out of the bin a couple of feet. Nice and warm it was too, in the middle of July.

It was only when it started to gou out that we remebered what happens when you burn paper - you get lots of smoke, and glowing flakes of burned paper fly around on the hot updraughts. If that wasn't bad enough, there was a smoke detector right outside the door and none of us wanted to get a bollocking for burning down the building, so we did the only sensible thing. We opened the windows. Smoke billowed out. Girls playing hockey in the field outside stared, wondering if there was an emergency theyneeded to worry about, then looked even more concerned when we stuck our heads out and said "It's OK, all under control, nothing to worry about".

Eventually we poured a kettle full of water on it which stopped it smoking, but then we discovered the bin had melted the carpet under it and was firmly stuck. Thank god for carpet tiles.
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 10:51, Reply)
My father
My father was a great man, and a man of principles. He had a motto that he lived by: Fight Fire With Fire!

He didn't last long in the West Yorkshire Fire Service.
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 9:35, Reply)
Balls of fire and a flaming cock
When I was 17 and experimenting with stop motion, all my films ended up in fires and explosions after discovering the joy of dismantling fireworks.

When I burnt down the huge cardboard set for 'Frankenstein's Cock' (adapted from a Viz strip) the plasticine started to melt and all the little plastic props went too.

Then the whole set caught alight and in an attempt to deprive it of oxygen, hurled toilet paper on it...which predictably ignited. By the time the smoke alarm went off there was a campfire-sized conflagration in my room so I ran off to get a bucket of water...that feeling of being out of sight of a fire while furiously filling a bucket and soaking a towel felt like forever but I rushed back and doused the fire...

I stumbled downstairs, somewhat damp and sooty to find my entire family still happily watching telly. They thought it was a car alarm...dicks.

On the upside I got some great footage!


At uni I had a mate called Matt who was a bit mad. We watched him attempt to set fire to his arse by pouring lighter fuel on it. As he ignited it we realised the fluid had run down his ploughman's and soaked into his pubes as he bent over. Twin sheets of flame erupted front and back as he stumbled around the room, pants round his ankles going "oooo! OOOOOO!" We were so doubled up with laughter we physically couldn't get up to help him. The result was hairless, very red genitalia and a scorched ringpiece. I later set fire to my goatee but that wasn't nearly as funny...
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 8:47, Reply)
Way back when man had just invented fire
A friend of ours (Mark), who’s parents had decided to abandon in Chester at the tender age of 17, while they returned to their native land of Cumbria , decided to lodge with a recently married couple that we knew.

They agreed to this as a) They felt warm and fuzzy helping a mate out and B) Thought that the extra income would help finance their newly acquired love nest.

Okay the scene is now explained, on with the fire incident.

A few days after moving into his new abode, Mark was sitting in the middle of the living room floor filling his Zippo lighter. Upon filling to the brim he proceed to check out his work by lighting the Zippo in the traditional way of every 17 year old at the time , which was by step (1) bringing the lighter quickly down across the thigh to open the case , Step (2) then catching the thigh again on the upstroke to light it.

Well part one and two of this impressive display worked fine, unfortunately a new unfound Step (3) was now to come into play , which consisted of losing hold of the freshly filled and still wet Zippo , leaving it to find its own way down to the waiting carpet and moist lighter fuel container.

Now this was ordinary carpet, no siree , this carpet was a wedding present from the brides parents, an expensive, luxurious floor covering that was designed to last many years in their marital home.

Well, seeing as this question is about burning things you will know what happened next, the result left the wedding present with a 8" round burn mark .

Well what was Mark to do ? Own up and take the imminent shit ? Go out and get a rug on the pretence of a belated wedding present ? Phone up a specialist cleaning firm for advise ? Set up and elaborate scene which would hopefully lead to then thinking that the cat had started the fire by knocking a box of matches off the fireplace .

Funnily enough no , he decided to eliminate the problem removing a nine inch square section of carpet with a Stanley knife . And then the brilliant side of the plan consisted of cutting out another 9" square section of carpet from beneath the settee.

Brilliant plan , no-one would ever notice ..... It was spotted straight away, newly weds were loved up and had not bothered with contents insurance yet . Mark was looking for new lodgings the same evening.
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 8:35, Reply)
Praise the lord its real
Me and my mate were in the 3rd year old high school and had found out the wonders of the lighter and the deodrant can when mixed together make wonderous events happen we were in religious education and we sprayed a good half a can on to the wall next to us ( we never used to do any work as you can probably guess!!) and then my m8 lit it and shouted " MISS MISS IT'S THE HOLY SPIRIT PRAISE BE!!!" teh look of horror and fear on her face was pricless and will stay with me forever.
btw this is my first post wooo go me
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 7:22, Reply)

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