The day I became A MAN !!!

Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall.

And I still haven't, and probably never will live it down.

Its the reason why I still to this day try and make excuses to wriggle out of family reunions.

At my sisters wedding last year I still received 'that look' from certain relatives, and for one awful moment I sat with my head in my hands as my old man went through the wedding speech, praying to the almighty that he didn't mention what I did twenty-odd years previously at a family reunion in my fucked up way to try and fit in...

So, lets go back twenty-odd years...

I'm part of a large Coventry-based Italian family. Family get togethers were HUGE on account of the Catholic aversion to knob socks and the contraceptive pill. Picture the wedding scene from the Godfather and that's pretty much where we are. Lots of tables with flowers, lots and lots of food and drink, and lots of Italians doing all the ciao bella shit and hugging each other. (Please note: to the best of my knowledge no member of my family is a member of the Mafia... though I do have my doubts about my uncle Primo).

So, young Spanky's hanging out with the older boys. Trying desperately to be accepted and failing miserably. Following them round like a lost puppy and trying to involve himself in their grown-up conversations.

Now, these boys were a couple of years older than me, basically a group of bored fourteen and fifteen year old boys, so inevitably their grown-up conversations involved women and, more to the point, how many women they'd 'done it' with.

I think I must've been really pissing them off by now, as one of them turned to me and asked: 'Spanky, how many women have you had?'

I think my answer of: 'I've lost count, maybe a hundred!' Was a little over the top. I mean, I was only twelve.

They started laughing at me.

'Spanky,' said another. 'Have you ever fingered a girl?'

And I was stumped...

Fingered a girl???

What the fuck did THAT mean???

So I charged forward: 'Yeah, only about five hundred girls!' I remember thinking that my cousin meant to ask have you ever actually touched a girl, and I had - I had pushed plenty over in the playground and run off giggling like a loon, and I had had a few girlfriends by this time and had done some low level hand holding and no tongues kissing.

The older boys started laughing.

Then one of them, sensing that I was getting flustered and was in over my head said: 'Spanky... Have you ever cum? I bet you haven't even cum yet, have you?'

'OH YES I BLOODY WELL HAVE!!!' Says I.

They cackle like a witches coven and start chucking stuff at me.

And I sulk off to sit with my mum for a bit.

Then, PING, I hit upon a brilliant idea. I'll show these fuckers how much of a fucking man I am, thinks I. So I slink off to the toilets, a knapkin in my pocket, in this strange hotel lobby full of Italians who look a bit like me, and...

Here it comes. The source of my eternal shame and the reason why my mum refused to speak to me for a few months after...

I slink into the toilets, find a cubicle, and quickly and very professionally knock one out all over the knapkin, making sure its as well and truly covered with my cock snot as my twelve year old balls could muster.

I then returned to the main lobby, found the group of boys, tapped one on the shoulder and as he turned I held my mighty spunky knapkin aloft and shouted:

'THERE YOU GO YOU FUCKER! LOOK WHAT I JUST DID!!!'

And time stopped. And I was suddenly in an awful lot of trouble...

Don't try and fit in.

Its bad for you.

But if you must try and fit in, make sure it doesn't involve showing off your manfat to your relatives.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:39, 21 replies)

That's just lovely
Have a click.

BTW, is it why you're called 'SpankyHanky'?
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:44, closed)

I'm afraid so
... I'm actually quite proud of myself. My cousins were asking for it! Grrr!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:47, closed)

hahaha!
*laughs*
*laughs some more*
*struggles to breathe*

Clickclickclick
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:45, closed)

OMG!
You wins!
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:46, closed)

I liked it!
Top story!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:50, closed)

Excellent again...!

I didn't know you were from Cov too...

must be something in the water
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:57, closed)

Live down in Landan now
But spent my formative years in the Cov... Think there must be something in the water up there...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 13:59, closed)

spunk and shit
judging by your 2 posts
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:02, closed)

...I'm from that neck of the woods
and have been known to chunder at inappropriate times. Any B3tans with a CV postcode and a weak bladder?
(Oil Slick, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 21:35, closed)

Yep.
I believe I have both of the requirements you mention.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 16:26, closed)

Dunno about a weak bladder,
but I'm based in Coventry at the moment.
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 6:14, closed)

We might as well close this topic right now
WIN
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 14:40, closed)

oh dear
oh deary deary me :) click!
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 14:51, closed)

Bwahahahhaahaa

Ahem. You should be proud! Very proud!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:15, closed)

haha
Very VERY funny... definately win.

*click*
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 16:07, closed)

agreed
we have a winner XD
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 16:22, closed)

I am crying
I literally have tears running down my cheeks and I must be bright red from trying to not to have fits of giggles.

Not only for the win, but the funniest story I have read here in a long time.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:16, closed)

oh good god, I didn't see that coming
(unlike the rest of your family)

*clicks for bravery to tell us this alone*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 8:06, closed)

But what I want to know is...
...did your old man recount this tale at the wedding?
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 9:37, closed)

My bastard of an old man
started making comments about knapkins and how white they were whilst looking over in my direction. The git.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 9:46, closed)

lol
Spanky, you never cease to amuse me! Kudos!

I was actually in Coventry for the first time this week (and will be again next Weds for a sucky work meeting) and it seemed nice - not full of man fat displaying deviants such as yourself...maybe I went to the wrong bit, lol!
(Honeycomb is a dirty groupie!, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 0:05, closed)