roll up, roll up
When I was 18 I left my hometown of Glasgow to study art in Dundee – about an hour and a half away on the Stagecoach. The day I left it was a late summer and a crisp sunny morning. My mum was tearful but proud, her baby leaving the nest as it were. I had a summer job selling photocopiers that I had just quit – I had a nice sideline in selling paintings of nostalgic Glasgow tenement scenes to some of the other reps. I coerced one of the younger ones into taking me and my gear in his company car up to Dundee. There was a carnival atmosphere as we struggled to shove my rubbish Amstrad hi-fi with smoked glass door and teak effect laminate cabinet into the car. My mate Mark I had grown up with came along for the ride too. Spirits were high the sun was shining. Road trip! Just outside Perth I spotted a line of traffic cones on a slip road to the motorway – now officially being a student I felt it only fitting I nab one. I asked the poor bloke driving to slow down so I could grab one – on reflection, a foolhardy plan. We (I) nearly caused a major collision with a car thundering along at motorway speed. We were lucky just to loose a wing mirror.

When we got there I was flung into halls of residence with 8 other blokes who were suddenly my ‘flatmates’. I liked the sound of this, a couple of hours earlier I had been in my childhood bedroom with my naff eighties black red and grey zig zag wallpaper, now I was a man – or so I thought. Some of the guys had already been at other colleges or lived away from home – they seemed very worldly to me. I smoked back then. Marlboro reds, mainly because I thought the pack looked cool, I had smoked them since I was around 15 when everyone else smoked Benson & Hedges but I wanted to be different. Ironically it would seem I had influenced most of my friends at school to convert - I didn’t notice till we went for coffee with the young cool foxy student teacher – I was sure she had a thing for me which of course preoccupied my fantasies. She was cool/irresponsible enough to invite all of us round to listen to The Doors and smoke hash at her flat. Everyone produced a pack of Reds much to the amusement of the young cool foxy student teacher

“what’s with the Marlboro?” she mocked.

Some awkward glances then someone piped up “oh Spimf smokes them so we all ended up smoking them”. I was convinced at this point the young cool foxy student teacher would resolve to instigate a torrid illicit affair due to my maverick attitude and brooding sex appeal.

But I digress; my new found flatmates all smoked roll ups. They mocked my conformist capitalist smokes. I suddenly felt acutely un-cool and very far from home. As we all sat around the kitchen table getting acquainted, a trip to the SPAR store was suggested to get ‘supplies’. They all bought rolling tobacco and bottles of Newcastle Brown. Up till then I drank bottled Budweiser, as did all my mates back home did. So we arrived back at the halls and unpacked our wares – ales and bitters I had never heard of and packs of Golden Virginia. I had watched carefully what they bought I went with the Newcastle Brown but as ever I tried to be a little different - I had bought a pouch of Condor! We sat around the kitchen table chatting and each pre-rolling a little supply of smokes. Some even had little tins to put them in – I made do with an empty Marlboro pack, which quite possibly missed the point. I could at least roll competently as I had been smoking joints for years. Someone spotted my Condor and a few sniggers went round the table.

“So erm, you always smoke them Spimf?”

“Oh yeah – all the time”

“So you know its pipe tobacco then” (more sniggers around the table)

“Oh erm yeah – I like a longer slow burn sort of smoke, better flavour you know”

I tried to appear insouciant as panic gripped my entrails. I wondered why the tobacco seemed to have lumps of tree bark in it.

After a suitable break I slipped off to my room ripped apart the 10 or more roll ups then packed the crap back into the pouch – carefully resealed it then RAN down to the SPAR store – breathlessly I explained my ‘granddad’ had ‘gone mad’ when I bought the wrong thing. The girl on the counter swapped them disinterestedly while chewing gum.

I then RAN back again hoping to Christ I had got away with it. It took me a couple of weeks to realise I didn’t need to smoke their nasty little damp roll ups to be me. I smoked Marlboro for the rest of my smoking career.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 6:57, 11 replies)

AND its a Spang free week from me!

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 7:51, closed)

Ive done the Old Holborne
thing too. No fucker told me it was pipe tobacco!!! Grrrr!!!
( SpankyHanky, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 8:08, closed)

erm
I've only just twigged that it's pipe tobacco.

Up until five seconds ago I just thought it was just shit.

edit: reads posts below. Is now satisfied that it is just shit tobacco after all.
( rofl harris, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 9:25, closed)

But it's not pipe tobacco is it?
Seriously, it's not.

From Wikipedia: 'Old Holborn is a brand of hand rolling tobacco'.

Your chum was talking shit. I do hope this helps with your retrospective cringing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 8:49, closed)

mists of time may have muddled my brands
but it was defo pipe tobacco i bought

i'll research - if i see it i will remember
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 8:52, closed)

Having worked in a tobacconist for quite a long time
I can assure you Old Holborn is rolling tobacco.

Dark, damp, horrible old fogey/homeless man tobacco to be sure, but definitely not pipe tobacco.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 9:23, closed)

right i need to work out what it was then because this was pipe tobacco for sure

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 9:57, closed)

CONDOR!
that was it as soon as i saw the pack it came flooding back

right if you don't mind folks i'll edit the tale for the sake of pipe aficionados
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:11, closed)

Condor? St Bruno?
Ready-rubbed? (arf)
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 20:43, closed)

bleurgh
The landlord at the pub I used to work in stopped selling Golden Virginia in favour of Old Horrible (or Old Throatburn) so I stopped paying for my baccy. Simple as that.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:25, closed)

Ha ha!
I was tempted to move to roll-ups after my hippy pals (and boyfriend) suggested it was healthier for you and cheaper.

Before hand I thought that people only smoked roll-ups because they couldn't afford `proper' cigarettes.

I'm pleased to say I've recently quit bar the odd (okay nightly!) joint but I'm working on that one too.
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 16:14, closed)