In the spirit of all the porn stories.
I was just a wee lad, 12/13 to be precise. As such I was just starting to realise the beauty and wonderment of the female figure. Boobies and nipples now filled my thoughts and the attainment of a pair for my own enjoyment became my quest. Even the vaginas I saw in magazines no longer made me go 'urgh' like they did when I were an even younger lad, finding my dads 'personal library'. Of course I was a fat, geeky, spotty, oik with awful hair and as bout as much idea of how to talk to girls as Jack the Ripper's more socially awkward younger brother. So actually finding a woman who would let me touch and squeeze their boobies and gosh darn it stick my todger in that odd looking doodah betwixt their legs, was a fair way off.

*Wavy lines for contextual flashback*

I was an army cadet from the age of 11. Which meant all sorts of fun for a young lad who liked mud and guns. Of course these jaunts into the wilderness of the country were run by trained adults, but much of the fun was directed by older, longer serving kids. One night while tucked up in bed on some camp or other, we were discussing girls. The lad in charge whose name escapes me was telling us about the joys of boinking ladies. We young'uns listened intently with the awe and worshipfulness reserved for someone who had actually had intercourse. He told us that it would probably be couple of years before we would ever get lucky ourselves, but don't worry, soon we would discover wanking and our lives would be complete. I pretended to understand, when i clearly didnt and went back to wistfully dreaming about Kylie, Clair from school and whoever else was hot in the late 90s.

*Wavy lines back to reality*

My new found keen interest in ladies had led me to scour the TV pages for films and programs that would show boobidge. Oh the nights that I would stay up to watch 'Eurotrash' to watch some naked Germans, or an Italian TV host who liked to be nude in odd situations. One night I looked in the TV pages and found the magic words that made my little heart beat that little bit faster; 'erotic thriller'. . I'd have watched this; www.imdb.com/title/tt0108162/ anyway. I mean fuck, it had Sharon Stone in it, even I knew back then she was a dirty bitch. Perfect.

The night was set. I went up to bed turned on my little black and white TV with the sound down(yes i had a black and white TV in my room in the late nineties, oh how times change). I watched as William Baldwin acted badly, I watched as Sharon Stone teased me in her little white pants and vest combo (still one of my favourites to this day). Finally, I hit pay-dirt. Sharon Stone in the bath! Oh yeah, that's it rithe around sexually. Mmmmm yeah this is gooooood shit. As was often the in these situations, my John Thomas was making himself known. Ooh I was a lucky lad, being treated to this. As the scene continued I noticed my ol'chap getting more and more agitated. This is odd thought I as I enjoyed what at the time were grotesque but fascinating and beautiful images. By now my volatile and straining gentleman was almost screaming at me. I didnt know what he wanted, but he wanted something, it was getting to the point where he was distracting me from trying to catch a glimpse of nipple from what I now know was a masturbating lady (at the time I didnt understand, I thought it was just an unusual bathing technique). For reasons that I still don't properly get today, a primeval urge to grab my todger and shake it took me over. Literally seconds later, I had spilled my seed all over the chair and floor and a colossal explosion of stimulation swept over me.

I had found the joys of wanking, and so my teenage years really begun.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Sun 9 Nov 2008, 23:43, Reply)