Convoluted story culminating in a pun on the title or popular culture reference.

( $$ ✅, Tue 25 Jul 2017, 20:14, 7 replies)

The Gideon Blizzard
Back at school when those nice people used to come and issue the free bibles had left and we had returned to English class on the second floor we were wondering what to do with a job lot of bibles that clearly noone on our desk wanted. Then the opportunity presented itself, the teacher decided to leave the class - something completely forbidden at the school unless they found a replacement.

Sharp as you like, me and the other two opened up the ink cartridges (this was a little before the digital age) splashed them liberally throughout the bibles, ripped as many of the pages out as we could and threw them out of the window. The scene was beautiful, like a sort of Christmas snow only with inked-up Gideon bible pages showering down two floors onto the floor below. The teacher returned a little sheepishly very soon after followed by a number of teachers from the ground and first floor who had all worked out that it couldn't have been any of their classes because they were too low or because they were present in the room. I don't think any of us had thought that quite a few classes would have seen the snowfall...

Anyway, the most irate teacher asked our teacher if she had been in the room and in front of us and to our utter relief she lied through her crooked old teeth and said she had been.

With that, they all blustered off, presumably to go and bother the classes on the third floor.

She knew we'd heard her lie and she had a bit of a look around at the desks for missing bibles and all three of us were covered in fucking ink but her look said "let's just move on shall we". Everybody in school remembers the blizzard but that class will always wonder what the hell that teacher was doing that she had to lie to five of her colleagues in front of a class full of kids.
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Wed 26 Jul 2017, 21:02, 2 replies)

A freind of mine, Jeff, from university...
was hanging out with a bunch of us at the pub, when during a pause in conversion he suddenly exclaimed "oh shit!" loudly in relief, apparently a propos of nothing. Everyone looked at him quizzically, he breathed out slowly, then began his explanation.

3 nights earlier, he, and all of us, had been out for a night of drink and massive drugs. Sometime in the wee hours, we'd been high and larking about in public streets, when we were approached by a lonesome police officer who made it his business to harsh our buzz and started demanding we empty our pockets as he began his search for narcotics. One of us (I don't remember who) pulled out a knife and stabbed him. To death. One of us stabbed this innocent police officer to death. Then we all agreed to walk different routes home and never to speak of it again.

Now, as you have no doubt realised, the above night of drink, drugs, hijinks, and murder never actually took place, except in the my friends head when he dreamed it, but the daft bastard had woken the following morning and remembered the dream as though it was reality. He spent the next few days wondering (1) if he was going to be arrested, (2) why no-one else seemed slightly concerned (3) how to come to terms with the guilt.... And he only cottoned on when he realised it couldn't have happened because some of our group had been miles away on the evening in question.

Here's to you Jeff, you literally thought we murdered a cop and somehow got away with it, and despite all the guilt you felt, you soldiered on and didn't dob anyone in. You legend!
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 8 Aug 2017, 19:27, 2 replies)

I had a mate I shared a flat with, I was a student, he was an apprentice electrician in the state's biggest plastics factory
He came home one evening from work white as a ghost. He'd been wiring up some factory lights to a circuit board when he'd accidently tripped the fire alarm. The emergency system had injected retardant foam into the giant vats of plastic, causing them to cool solid. It took over a week and lots of money to get them operational again, during which time most of the contract workers were out of work without pay. He was shitting himself that they'd trace it back to him, which they never did.
On a side note I had a hydroponic set up in our flat, with four plants that were doing rather well. My mate stole 2 2000w metal halide lights used to light up a factory which we thought would make them grow like the clappers. Instead it killed them all through heat stress in the space of a day.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 27 Jul 2017, 13:45, 1 reply)

I repeatedly and systematically raped Nelson Mandela over the course of 14 years
I regret nothing
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 26 Jul 2017, 15:34, 6 replies)