How I singulalrly failed to become rich via adult movies.
When I was a younger Monkey (merely a viscount instead of a Lord, and no i wasn't covered in chocolate and slightly minty...well only a sunday..but I digress) I was skint, severly skint, and unemployed in the holidays.

How could I go out with my happy non-student friends who all had cars, jobs and £100 shirts, whilst i was relying on shanks pony, the genorosity of said friends to drive me around and wearing the classic early to mid 90's designer label Canda?

Even worse I had no money for weed, by that I mean none at all, and was relegated to scrounging fags off the barmaids at the loacl.

So how could I turn my life around? earn some ready cash, and live the golden life that my friends were living with their trips to that top night spot, The Zone in the thriving bustling town of Rotherham where the nights out were so legendary that is was like someone had taken St. Tropez or Monte Carlo and placed it in South Yorkshire.

And the women, oh the Rotherham women were legendary, their intellect and their beauty were out of this world and something beautiful to behold.

I wanted, no needed to be part of this golden world, this hectic social whirl of the beautiful people, and to do that I needed money for my smirnoff, money for the club, money for the kebab and money for the taxi.

But where would this money come from?

How could I get rich quick?


How indeed?

I thought about selling my brothers kidney, but he wouldn't stay still long enough for me to cut it out of him.

I tried to sell old vinyl to charity shops, before an old dear pointed out that they didn't pay for stuff being donated, so that plan ceased.

I thought about busking, but as I can't play an instrument or indeed sing that was a non starter, and as I have an irrational fear of mime artists I couldn't pretend to not be able to get out of an invisible box (I might have suffocated and as no-one could see the box, how could they find the lid?)

Until idly browsing through an old Readers Wives there it was, the answer to all my problems, 'Would you like to Earn £££££' in the classified section.

Men wanted for adult movies.

Well, I put my cock away and my magazine in my bag(which was lucky really as my Mum brought me a cup of tea in afterwards) and plotted my entry into adult entertainment.

I liked sex then, and still like it now, and with the arrogance of youth I thought I was pretty damn good, and why the hell not get paid for doing something you like?

What to call myself? Porn Stars always have cool names, so in the end I went for Rocky Studman, having discarded names like Stud Studley, Chuck Monkey and simply 'The Legend'.

There was a number for me to ring (this was back before every home had an internet, and beleive it or not kids I didn't even have a mobile) so I rang the number, was asked to create a mailbox and profile, and also say where I was from, and then 'Local filmakers' would check my box, and leave a message if they wanted me.

So I did, Rocky Studman was there, willing to do everything and anything to willing females, like martini, any time, any place anywhere! And I really felt I could do well in these films, after all i'd had a lot of solo practice over the years.

and I waited......

and waited...

and waited....

and waited......

every day i would trudge up to the phone box, feed it inordinate amounts of money to check my messages and every day the same.

Nothing, nada, zilch, not one reply, no-one checked out my proflie, or if they did they didn't want Rocky Studman, and so thats where it ended.

A career in adult movies ended before it had begun, there was obviously no Kubrick, Spielberg or indeed Walt Disney of the adult world, willing to take a chance on an eager young unknown. And belive I was still practising, as if training for a marathon, ready for my big break.

In the end I got a job on minimum wage cleaning tables at a motorway service station, the adult entertainment industries loss was the service industries gain, and i never did make my money.


Length? just think if someone had answered my profile you could have been watching it on some DVD now....
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 0:01, 2 replies)

Scam
I'm going to guess there never was a mailbox, and that they were making money from you ringing a premium rate phone line...
(stubbledchin, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 9:43, closed)

@ SC
*Duh*
(Jugular, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 10:17, closed)