Merry Christmas Everybody!
My parents are cunts.

Every single Christmas from the age of zero upwards they forced me to go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Aparently some fella was born, or something, and being Catholics we have to get all morose about it and sing fucking hymns and do a shitload of shaking hands with strangers while saying "peace be with you," when I'd rather be at home eating mince pies and masturbating over late night reruns of Carry On movies (Barbara Windsor was fucking HOT).

The Midnight Mass thing was an annoyance until I reached that marvellous age where alcohol became available from the lovely Mr Singh in the local off license. Then Midnight Mass became a fucking nightmare.

In the year of our Lord, nineteen-hundred-and-ninety, when I was sixteen, I rolled up at the church after the service had started.

I was shitfaced.

I flung open the doors and shouted:

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!"

And promptly fell on my arse. I then started singing: "SO HERE IT IS MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODYS HAVING FUN! LOOOOKK TOOOO THE FUUTTTURREEE NNNNOOOWWWW-"

The parisheners were not pleased, God was not pleased, but most important of all, my mum was fucking apoplectic.

I spent Christmas Day 1990 sitting in the garden shed with a terrible hangover. If I dared go anywhere near my dear ol' mum that day, she would've fucking murdered me.

Not very Christian of her.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:16, 1 reply)

lol
clickety click.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Tue 24 Mar 2009, 15:30, closed)