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This is a question God

Tell us your stories of churches and religion (or lack thereof). Let the smiting begin!

Question suggested by Supersonic Electronic

(, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:00)
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This question is now closed.

mostly from the internet...
Religion never worked out for me... now I know there are some pathetic examples of cod-science around, and anything to do with things we cant see takes a leap of faith... but really has anyone heard "the real sounds from hell proving hell is real" I was actually looking for some cool samples for my band.. and I came up with this...

do people really fall for this rubbish!?!?!
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:15, 3 replies)
It's what God wanted, I think
I was very, very religious as a young man at university. That meant I missed out on most of the stuff that young'uns take for granted as part of college life (girls, drinking, bacon etc). Don't get me wrong, I'm not fishing for pity: I thoroughly enjoyed my college days, and although I'm keen on a drop or two of the good stuff these days, I don't regret not drinking back in the day- the joy of religion made up for the lack of student hijinx. I was happy, in a celibate, sober kind of way.

Looking back, though, I can't help but think that, had I not been religious, the following story would have ended a good deal more satisfactorily.

I was at a fancy dress party, sipping a glass of lemonade, chatting to various people. I somehow ended up in conversation with a pretty young French lady. Previously I had suggested to my friends that we could watch a DVD at my room if the party was boring, so I invited mademoiselle to join us. She eagerly agreed, and my friends, on hearing this, told me they would catch us up later. I honestly had no idea why they were smiling and winking at each other.

So mademoiselle and I traipsed back to my room. On the way she slipped her arm into mine. As a good muslim I felt a little discomfited at that, but thought it was the right thing to do to support a young lady who might have simply been tired after an evening on her feet. It didn't even occur to me to interpret it any other way.

When we arrived at my room, I sat her on the sofa and announced that "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." I discreetly got changed behind my cupboard door. Into a big fleece I normally wore while rowing on the river, and a pair of old, loose corduroys. She elevated one of her perfect Gallic eyebrows but said nothing.

I was waiting for my friends to join us for the DVD, so struggled to think of something we could talk about in the meantime. Thankfully she spared me too much effort by pointing out a Calvin and Hobbes book on my shelf and squealing delightedly that she loved them. I curled up carefully on the sofa next to her (carefully because I did not want to make bodily contact) and showed her some of my favourite strips. She smiled at my enthusiasm.

Twenty minutes passed and my friends did not arrive. I suggested we start the DVD without them, and she murmured "I 'ave a better idea" and she kissed me. The first kiss I had ever received in my life. I turned my head just before her lips made contact, and she only got my cheek.

At this point I scrambled away from her and took stock of the situation. I had chatted with a lovely girl at a party, walked home arm in arm with her, announced to her that I was slipping into something a bit more comfortable and then spent a good while on a sofa with her enjoying our mutual enjoyment of a comic book. In other words, I had utterly inadvertently done everything right to seduce her. And I felt awful about it.

I blurted out to her "I'm sorry, but you really should know that this is nothing to do with you. It's me. I'm religious." Her look of indignation softened and she said, "You know, I'm Catholic. I understand." She smiled, then left forever.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:37, 5 replies)
I was an altar boy for a while
The cassocks were hell. Fart inside one of those and the warm gas would slowly float upwards and out via the only possible route — i.e., around your neck :-(

On one occasion I was given the task of ringing a bell at some point during the service, but completely missed the cue because I was holding my breath and turning purple. They never asked me back again.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:27, Reply)
visited a cathedral whos grounds had been designed (against all probability) by M.C Escher, beautifully sculpted pathways and a stream that seemed to flow back into itself. Now, because these were very peaceful gardens, a quiet place to compose your thoughts and ponder the infinite I used to visit them regularly but had to stop as the place started to do my head in. While the path and stream remained exactly as I remembered them the sward (thats the grassy bit) always used to be subtlely different, seemly swapping places at will with the flowerbeds and trees. One day it would stretch long and unbroken all the way to the end of the compound, the next it would gently curve to the right and disappear into a copse. What really fried my brain was one day when i was strolling across an apparently even lawn I could have sworn was rising and falling under my feet, eventually I asked the Bishop what was going on with the grass, he smiled at me and said

"Sod moves in mysterious ways"
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:49, Reply)
One I've just remembered
I've probably mentioned this a hundred times but I still ennjoy thinking about it. Anyway, a friend of mine whilst at uni went to one of those balls ath they seem to enjoy having. At this get-together he was speaking to someone he knew who was doing a theology degree and asked him, "So, what do you think of Jesus?" the person thought for a moment and replied "7/10".
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:39, Reply)
"when you meet the priest don't laugh!"
I uttered these words about 30 seconds before the priests walked round the corner, leaving my friend red faced adn shaking in a desperate attempt to hold the laughs in.

now for the backstory:

Me, my sister and our old family friend went to this church near us to use their practice studio in the church spire (sounds very cool but is/was very grubby)

We got there a bit early and we were waiting for the rpiest to turn up to let us in. While we were waiting I realised that our family friend hasn;t met this priest before and may be a bit amused by his appearence. He was always dressed in an old fashioned priest outfit. Long black robe, wdie brimmed flat hat and a long grey bushy beard. On top of that he has a very cheerful booming voice (think happy blessed)

Add these together and most 1st impressions are amusement mixed with wondering if he was real (he is)

Telling my friend not to laugh at him just before he walked round the corner almost destroyed her.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:08, 2 replies)
Religion is the opiate of the masses
said some old bloke with a beard one time.

He didn't have a clue.

There isn't a culture left on this planet, from the indigenous tribes of the sprawling Patagonian plains, to the ice-bound peoples of Antarctica, even the unfortunates locked behind the iron curtain of communist regimes such as North Korea...

...no, there isn't a single race, creed, or civilization on this planet...

...who hasn't seen Sharon Stone's beaver as she uncrosses her legs for that midget who's getting jiggy with Catherine Zeta Jones.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:07, 1 reply)
More News
(These news stories are coming in thick and fast this week, coincidence or mysterious ways?)


A pilot was jailed for 10 years in Italy because he stopped to pray rather than take emergency measures while his plane crashed and killed 16 people
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:07, 5 replies)
Slightly toff opic
but my uncle, a few years back, was racing round the local church and hurdling the gravestones.

It all came to a stop when he landed on top of a rather elderly couple who were engaged in a arthritic game of Hide the Sausage.

I imagine the Lord's name was invoked at that point.

Length? He couldn't see in the dark.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:58, Reply)
The Bible: The biggest cover-up story ever?
Person 1: “Argh you disgusting necrophiliac bastard, you touched the hole of a 3 day old corpse!”
Person 2: “No... I didn’t errmmm he was alive... it was his... his stigma... I swear!”
Person 1: “I am highly doubtfull Thomas, prove it.”

My mum always said that one lie leads to another leads to another, who knows where it will end?
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:52, 1 reply)
vs. John Hick (90% sure it was him):

If a miracle is defined as an unexplainable act (in that it goes against our understanding of natural laws), it is still not miraculous. Natural laws are necessarily derived from observation of nature - any apparent 'miracle', if sufficiently proven to have happened, requires re-writing of our understanding of the laws of nature, rather than requiring us to invoke God to explain it.

I quite like this argument, even if (as I'm sure others will point out), it does hinge on a specific definition of miracles.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:40, Reply)
Eating Jesus
Holy Communion, the dull fella in the frock at the front of the church is banging on about transubstantiation, holding up a glass of wine and a little wafer, waving the blood and body of Christ about and being all holy.

I shuffle out of the pew like a prison convict being transferred under pain of a good kicking, and line up in the aisle, waiting to drink a bit of 'blood' and eat a bit of 'body'.

A thought occurs to me and I just happen to say to my sister:

"If only Jesus had a little brother or sister... That way we might get dessert as well."


I always forgot my mum had the hand speed and reach of Muhammed Ali... and the punching power to match, come to think of it...
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:24, Reply)
We're quite a big bunch of b3tans here. All of us have different stories, some more scary than others.

To be honest, between all of us, we can say we have lived all the possible experiences in life.

No, wait, has any of you been abused by a paedo priest?

I know they exist, but judging all of them for a few seems a bit unfair.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:19, 7 replies)
Oh God!!!
I've tried to avoid this QOTW due to my very strong views on the subject but I've just remembered, a day before it closes, one of the wisest quotes on the subject of religion I've ever heard.

In fact, I used to try to remember this every time I heard some deluded ignoramus blather on about whichever fairy was living at the bottom of their garden.

It's from a genius of the early 20th Century, quite unknown these days, but I reckon it's worth looking into some of his other stuff.

From Henry Louis Mencken:

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 12:39, Reply)
I think Alabama 3 said it best
when they said "the meek ain't gonna inherit shit"
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 12:26, 3 replies)
Just A Quick One.....
If jesus g-a-v-e himself to us....

Why do all door-knocking, Bible-Thumpers insist on trying to S-E-L-L him to us?????

*Climbs off soapbox*
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 12:08, Reply)
More topical news
The Texas School Board (led by a man who believes God created the Earth less than 10,000 years ago) is debating whether to change the curriculum so that the text books highlight areas that he believes undermines the theory of evolution such as that individual cells are far too complex to have evolved by chance.

If this goes through this could have an impact on the rest of the US as textbook publishers design their textbooks to the Texas standard then roll them out nationwide
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 12:02, 3 replies)
Religous confusion
Do I continue to worship (on my own I might add) at the 1st Church of Enzyme (for his words are wise) or.....

start my own breakway cult and worship at the House of Spanky (who lays forth great mirth and merriment)?
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:54, 8 replies)
Archelogists near Mount Sinai
have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon-dated in Bonn.

If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read 'To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblence to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.'
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:30, 14 replies)
Wankplane to Orgasmville
I used to work with a girl who was well into Jesus. If there was a fanclub she'd have been his number one fan.

Which was odd because she looked like she had the full allocation of chromosomes. In fact she was pretty damn hot.

When she first turned up at the office she decorated her desk with little knick nacks she'd picked up visiting the various top ten god-bothering sights across Europe. She turned her little work area into a shrine for all things godly and good.

Which didn't really fit in with the general ethos of the office, which was if it moves fuck it, if it doesn't move, fuck it anyway.

Some people started taking the piss out of her. I didn't. In fact I stood up for her. Why? Because she had a right to express her views and opinions about religion in the workplace? No. Quite simply she had very, very, VERY nice boobies.

Anyway. I'm sat chatting to her on one slow day. I was bored shitless and decided to ask a pretty straightforward question.

"Amy," which was her name. "Is it a sin whenever I have a wank?"

Amy went a bright shade of red. She nodded. "You're murdering your, you know, your sperm."

Murdering my sperm??? Fuck me, if that was the case I'd be up for the mass genocide of hundreds of trillions of the little tadpoley fuckers.

"What do you mean?" I pressed.

"Well, you know... You should only, you know, orgasm... erm... if it's in the act of making a baby."

"But your not guarenteed to get pregnant everytime you have sex," I quipped.

Amy nodded. "But you should always try. If you orgasm without procreation then its sinful. You're killing your, well, you know, your seed..."

My seed??? Fuck me...

I thought about this for a moment. "So its sinful if I wank off into a bit of tissue because my sperm are effectively dying without trying to make a baby?"

Amy nods. - God, I thought, I bet this girl goes bareback!

Then something occurs to me: "So, I take it by your theory everytime a woman has a wank they're not producing any sperm and therfore killing them needlessly, so that's ok? It's fine if a woman paddles the pink canoe?"

Amy looks at me as if she doesn't quite understand.

"You know, flicks the bean, plays the pink accordion...," I sigh, "its ok if a woman touches herself until she orgasms."

Amy's eyes go wide. She turns back to her computer and starts typing.

"That is disgusting!" she says. "Women don't do THAT!"

Strange... I just can't imagine anyone going the whole of their life without flying the wankplane solo to Orgasmville...

...Probably explains why so many of them are so fuckin uptight.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:20, 7 replies)
Am I right in saying
that creationists are a bit misinformed in their arguments and often confuse evolution with abiogenesis?
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:13, 3 replies)
Religion gets in the way
My mate met a nice Russian woman on the internet who happened to be local. So they met, and got on very well notwithstanding his extremist atheist views and she being a devout christian who worked for a christian charity.

They became very close and were as near as they could get to being a newly-wed couple except they didn't live together or have any sex life.

In fact, if it weren't for the clash in beliefs they would be married now. She said to him that if he became a christian, then they probably would get married but my mate refused saying that he could pretend to be but he knew it would be wrong. He did say that he'd not have any objections to her churchiness and that she could get up to whatever she liked but she couldn't marry someone who didn't share her beliefs.

She went back home to Russia (as she was only working here) and met a theologist and they got married. Rather quickly it seemed too.

My mate suggested that she was absolutely gagging for a good stuffing and although she didn't admit it, she didn't exactly deny it either with a coy smile.

Isn't it shit when a couple in love with each other are denied happiness because of God? So much for tolerance.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:08, 1 reply)
Jesus is coming

Grab the tissues.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 10:57, 2 replies)
I'm not much of a Christian
In fact if someone says they have been to church I ask them how God was.

Now to give the background and pad this tale out more than is required, I am a big bloke, 6 feet 4 inches, shaved head, fit not fat and as a young man used to think I was pretty handy in a fight.

The biggest hiding i ever got, when the two brain cells I limited myself to as a 19 year old (one for drinking one for fighting) the one that ended my fighting career, was by a weedy bloke who looked just Jesus.

The story is now urban legend around my home town and I will be reminded approximately bi-annually with the immortal words,

"Hey Baddy, remember when you got your clock cleaned by one of them Jesus cunts"
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 10:50, 3 replies)
JC and I

He's my best friend,
Though some think he's weird,
Our Lord the Messiah,
The bloke with the beard,

We went to the pub,
For a meal and some beer,
He smited a heathen,
He thought was a queer,

I said: "JC, you're mad!"
He said: "Don't get so lippy -
I'm the son of the Lord!"
"No, you're an itinerant hippie!"

On the bus home,
There was an unmarried mother,
JC kicked her head in,
And nutted her lover,

"Fuck this," I proclaimed, as I
stormed off the bus, "You're
causing me stress!"
"But I'm you're Messiah!"
"No, you're a cunt in a dress!"
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 10:06, 1 reply)
all of these pro and anti arguments are wonderful,there's nothing better than getting people discussing religion.
but i propose that it doesn't really matter.
If there is no god,you're insignificant.
If there is a god,do you really think he cares?
Welcome to Nihilism,please pay at the door.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 10:04, 1 reply)
some little known tidbits
you may not know that I've picked up over the years from books by the likes of Joseph Campbell, Alexander Cannon etc

the Gospel of Mark in the Sinai Bible carries the first and oldest story of Jesus in history - but it makes no mention of...
1. The virgin birth
2. JC being " the son of God" in the opening narrative
and 3. No mention of any supernatural resurrection

not only are they absent in this, the oldest bible in the world, but they are also absent in the 2nd Oldest, The Vatican Bible (Codex Vaticanus) and the 3rd Oldest, the Alexandrian Bible... all of these points were later additions

the single reference which scholars used to determine Jesus was a carpenter was a mistranslation from the orginal aramaic word 'naggara' (and greek 'tekton' or builder/ carpenter) - naggara actually means 'master builder' or 'mason'

Circe en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circe was the ancient greek Godess who would 'hypnotise men and bring them into her house" ... circe became Kirk en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kirk which became Kirch which became Church
(circe (where we get circus) - round - kirkos "a circle," )


also John Allegro puts an interesting case for the basis of christianity in 'The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross' www.amazon.com/Sacred-Mushroom-Cross-Christianity-Fertility/dp/0340128755

Christ comes from Christos meaning 'oil' and 'annointed one' - which derives from the practice of annointing the Pharaoh's penis with oil - literally a 'nob head'

also alot of heraldic symbology can be traced to the twelve tribes of Israel (three lions/ unicorn/ lion of Judah - alot of the symbols used by the Empire of The Crown...nope, not that Crown the other Crown ) - which in turn is astro theology etc ... the four cherubim of the bible just so happen to be the main four tribes of the twelve, again, lion, man, eagle and ox (astro theology again)- when you learn this stuff you notice it in everything especially government insignia/ royal coats of arms etc

mentalist nonsense it may be, but we're living in a society entrenched in this mentalist nonsense

also the symbology and origins of the Pope's Mita, the black square and the the black robes and motarboard graduates wear are quite humourous too

I believe I've said too much
* Punjab, Kato, to the tin foil mobile! for our escape!
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 8:45, 29 replies)
Toilet-brush based faith
A man trips over a toilet-brush. He falls down and hurts his nose. Much ouchyness ensues. A woman notices this and comes to assist the man. While comforting the fallen man, the two of them start chatting and realise they have a lot in common. They then fall in love and marry. It was the toilet-brush that triggered the whole thing, so they decide to keep it and put it prominently on display. Every time, they notice the toilet-brush, it gives them a reminder of how they were brought together, and thus, it lifts their spirits. However, some new guests come along, see the toilet-brush in all it's pronounced glory and say "Why the blazing gadzunkas have you put a toilet-brush on display? That's just fucking stupid!". This deeply offends the happy couple, as this calls the very thing that brought them together 'fucking stupid'. "If only you were to experience the joy this brush would provide you, you would forever feel damned for what you've just said" was the response. "Look! Let me tell you where to stick the brush!". At this point, all discussion degenerates into physical violence which causes massive injuries for both parties.

What came to pass here is that the toilet-brush had become a metaphor for the inner sanctum of the couple's members - namely, a 'sacred object'. In fact, the couple have created a religion (or cult) based on this toilet-brush. The rituals that they perform when recharging their spirits are really just metaphors for getting in touch with their inner sanctums. In other words, they worship the toilet-brush. But when their beliefs were insulted, instead of trying to brush the remarks aside, the couple tried to force the others to comply with their set of rituals, which they did not see the point in doing. Instead of rationally defusing the situation, it escalated into a fully-blown fight, possibly even leaving the toilet brush somewhere where toilet brushes should never be left in the process.

So we now have a cult followed by two individuals based on a toilet-brush. Scale up the underlying idea by several orders of magnitude, and you have organised religion. However, if more people become in such awe of the couple and their story of how they met, they too will want to join the cult of the toilet-brush (CotTB). They will become so obsessed that they relate to eachother about events in their lives by comparing them to similar stories involving the toilet-brush. So it sort of becomes a Hyperreality. Also, if it spreads to toomany people who didn't know the couple, they may start thinking that the toilet-brush is a magical brush rather than just an accessory that lead to the chatting.

The point of this post is to explain what religion actually is and to show what people see in their religions. Some people seem to think that they are nothing more than conspiracies to eradicate science. While many people throughout the years have attempted to do so in the name of their religion, often, they were abusing the religion as a means of acquiring or maintaining power. Also, some people may also take it too personally when someone contradicts their beliefs. They percieve this as an attack against themselves, and will become upset. They will then end up becoming closed to alternative ideas. That's not what religions are about - that's just fanboy-ism.

When it comes down to it, a religion is really a marriage of a philosophy and a culture. While the cultural rituals are just means of anthropomorphising abstract concepts, they soon become an integral part of the religion. I've often held the belief that everyone should have their own personal religion (afterall, faith is an abstract concept).

So remember, when deciding on whether or not to respect someone else's beliefs, remember that there's a difference between having an imagination and being delusional. Often, that difference is not down to the content of the beliefs, but down to how seriously they are taken.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 3:43, 5 replies)
My Jewish grandparents
One way of seeing first-hand how some people can take their religion too seriously is to play Scrabble with a bunch of Jews on a Saturday. As you know, Saturdays are the Jewish Sabbath. This means that you are not allowed to work on a Saturday.

So anyway, I was having a game of Scrabble with my grandparents. This would have been normal had it not been for the way they kept score. Usually, when keeping score, you write down each player's score in their column, but because writing down the score counted as work, alternative means needed to be found. Instead, they just used a book to represent each player, and it's open page number represented the score (so when someone had their turn, a few pages were turned). How this is considered to drop below the threshhold of 'work' compared to writing down the scores is beyond me.

It's no wonder my dad became an atheist as soon as he left home.

BTW: Speaking of Scrabble, something like this has happened to me when playing with my dad and gran.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 3:34, 7 replies)
Faith in science
Science is all about finding facts based on rules (or vice versa). Religion is about creating something (or imagining someone else's creation) and having faith in it. So anyone who says that atheists treat science as a religion doesn't see this distinction.

While science and religion may be like apples and oranges, 'faith in science' is sort of like a religion. Unless you know everything there is to know about each and every branch of science, you just have to have faith that scientists aren't trying to pull a fast one on you. Atheists may unbeknownst to themselves actually have a religion that's basically faith in science. One thing that they hope for is that the secret of biological immortality will be discovered before they die. There's no set timetable for innovations in biology - they just hope this one Holy Grail will be reached before they die. Also, they have faith that science will eventually unlock all the mysteries of the universe.
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 3:23, 15 replies)

This question is now closed.

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