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This is a question God

Tell us your stories of churches and religion (or lack thereof). Let the smiting begin!

Question suggested by Supersonic Electronic

(, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:00)
Pages: Latest, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, ... 1

This question is now closed.

/board is over there

A picture does not tell a thousand words. If it did, my thesis would have been a lot shorter.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:06, 16 replies)
She dumped me for God
Many years ago, whilst a student, I got together with this girl who still lived at home with her very religious parents. At the time she was rebelling a little against her family's Godly ways and even allowed me to show her the sinful ways of sexing.

I once asked her if she still believed in God bearing in mind we were doing it out of wedlock and all that but she said that she still believed in him but just accepted that she was sinning.

I once went to a party held by one of her churchy friends and spent the whole evening being given the evils by everyone there because I was basically not one of them and therefore a spawn of the devil.

A few months in, her parents made her go on some religious retreat with her brother. It was like some kind of religious summer camp from what I know, mixing assualt courses with prayers or something like that.

A week later she came back a completely different person and declared that she had re-discovered God (been re-brainwashed) and was therefore dumping me as I was a non-believer.

I can't really compete with the big man up there so was overly bothered by it all. It's much better than the time my girlfriend turned into a lesbian I suppose.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:05, 1 reply)

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:03, Reply)
You've all proven yourselves unworthy this week.
None shall remain safe from my Holy rage.
All shall be smited.

P.S. You're off to Hell, the Christadelphians had the right religion.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:03, Reply)

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:56, Reply)
Dear God,
Please get me the hell out of this QOTW.

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:54, 2 replies)
Don't mess with Jesus.

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:51, Reply)
For the most part...
...I've kept my mouth shut this week. I'm a staunch Atheist, but I try to keep my opinions to myself as they're massively offensive to anyone with even a scrap of faith. Whilst I have no respect for religion or religious faith, I do have respect for the feelings of other human beings.

But no-one else seems to give a fuck who they piss off, so here it is:

Religion is a scourge. It is the greatest source of misery, death and pain, and the greatest hindrance to our evolution as a species that has ever existed. Bar none. Granted, there is half-a-handful of good points from the establishment of some beneficial moral principles to the sense of meaning, belonging and community that it brings to some but these are far outweighed by the Dark Ages alone, never mind modern fundamentalism, religious genocide, indoctrinated xenophobia and intolerance to name just a few of its many more dubious effects. I mean, centuries and centuries of religious persecution where even science was herecy punishable by protracted and gruesome death. Fucking CENTURIES. Think where we'd be now if we'd had a freer hand to examine the universe then.

Granted also, a thousand-and-a-half years ago when people began to question the nature of the universe then thier brightest sparks came up with the best answers they could, and they turned out to be crap guesses. But the fact is we've learned enough as fact now to know that most of it is bollocks, and if that's the case then likely ALL OF IT is. Back then it was, as stated, a means of understanding the universe. Now all it is is a tool used by the state to control the simple-minded and there appear to be a depressing number of these in the world.

The fact is, religion is a crutch for those lacking the wit to realise or the will to accept that there really is no point to life. None at all. We are insignificant specks scurrying on the surface of a larger but no less insignificant speck in a limitless universe. We're nothing, and there's nothing waiting for us when our bodies fail us. No eternal damnation, no sweet hereafter. Nothing. This is it. We are born, we scurry, we die. How good a time we have on the way is entirely up to us.

Not all believers are harmful in-and-of-themselves, but as has been obseved within and without this QOTW, those lil' folk pottering along harming no-one are the foundation on which those with a mind to cause harm, power-monger and generally be a fucking massive nuisance stand, and stand firm. To my mind, the little harmless ones are as much to blame as the fundamentalists for the mess religion has made of our kind's collective psyche, and the harm that has resulted from it.

The sooner the world wakes up and abolishes this nonsense is the sooner that everyone's lot will improve and we can make some noticable progress as a species and make life better for future generations. Maybe one day they'll look back with pride instead of shame, as I do. I'm ashamed of my species for being so pathetically fucking stupid as they are and I really do hope to see at least the beginnings of some change to that in my lifetieme. It can't be long now, surely.

Don't bother to reply. I'm not interested in debating this. I'm not saying it's the absolute truth, it's just what I see with these here peepers.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:50, 6 replies)
So religion is the root of all trouble is it?
can someone please explain to me then how it is the cause of my bus being late this morning?

or the fact that I am distracted by the moron on the other side of the office playing his music so loud through headphones that I can identify what song he is listening to?

I'm in support of ridiculous sweeping statements as a whole, but seriously, allsome of you people are idiots.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:47, 5 replies)
How to tell if God really hates you:

I mean, here he is at home, healing from a nuclear blast, when there's a familiar flash in the sky. I bet his thought was "Shit, not again..."

He must be fecking 'ard. Even Bruce Lee couldn't lay claim to this one.

And his tombstone should read:

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:34, 3 replies)
/QOTW is heaven
/TALK is hell
/BOARD is Purgatory

and Sickrik is the Virgin Mary
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:34, Reply)
I worship the F5 key
Or at least until there's a new QotW.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:31, Reply)
a story for fellow b3tans
God in my opinion does not exist neither does Jesus. religion is usually the root of all trouble caused on this beautiful planet we choose to destroy.
Did you know since the outbreak of WW1 there has never been a single day`s peace on this planet THAT means there has been blood shed EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost a centuary THAT is very sad
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:22, 30 replies)
I have just committed a sin
I have just masturbated and shot my load all down my trousers...

I couldn't help it, I was thinking about Suzie Quatro circa 1977. God, those tight leather pants she used to wear.

God is not pleased...

Of course, the Metropolitan Police Force are fucking livid.

I was walking down Oxford Street at the time.


(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:12, 1 reply)
A little analogy...
There's a guy who drives like a twat. He goes 50mph minimum just about everywhere he goes. He pays no attention to any road rules, no matter how well-demonstrated the need for these rules are. He's going to kill someone - it's just a matter of time. You know who I'm talking about - he's a stereotype, but hey, this is an analogy.

He does this because he thinks he's a better driver than everyone else. He's not, but he has no doubt what-so-ever, it is not even a question for him. He thinks that he'll always be able to swerve out of the way when another car pops up in an unexpected place on that nasty curve. He thinks that children won't run out into the road in front of him. He thinks that he could stop if they did, because he's such an amazing driver.

Now, here's the rub: Should we respect his opinion? Should we tolerate his opinion? Should we forgo disrespect or intolerance of the opinion because he finds it offensive? Does ignoring the problem seem acceptable?
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 16:09, 6 replies)
Please God, give us a new Question, it is Thursday.

I promise not to touch kids anymore if you do.


EDIT Dammit, at 4 o'clock yesterday I should have just posted saying *wanks*
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 15:50, 9 replies)
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 15:05, Reply)
So at my last job, I had long hair and a beard. I was quickly nicknamed Jesus by my colleagues. It was an advertising agency, people really are this creative. Nevertheless, it stuck (I still get called it today ffs) and I was happy to take the jokes and the associated kudos of being the son of God. But then a devout catholic joined the agency. I was worried we might all be causing her offence, but she didn't seem to mind. And it all carried on. Then she started hitting on me via email quite provocatively, while also quoting scripture and whatnot. Yes, she was trying to 'nail' Jesus. Not me, you understand, but the person she thought I looked like. Very odd. Anyway, she got fired and life went back to normal. I changed a few glasses of water to wine, fed some orphans or whatever and enjoyed myself (except at Easter when I took some time off). My leaving speech from the agency was in the form of a sermon. And my leaving card, somewhat annoyingly, was a six-foot solid wood cross, painted white and signed by everyone. I was made to perform the dragging of the cross bit from the passion while everyone laughed. Cunts. But I still love them.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:57, 1 reply)
Right. Extremism.
I'm a Christian, I'll get that one out of the way first off. I go to church, enjoy a drink with the vicar and generally enjoy it all. If it's not for you that's fine, if you prefer to be Jewish, Muslim etc, that's also fine.

But do you know what I really, really can't fucking stand.
Extremists. Extremists are cunts. Please don't ram your opinions in other peoples faces, try being a bit more modest, and respect other people views. Be tolerant.
Hmm, that's a nice word, I'll say it again. Tolerant.
Do I know everything? No, of course I don't. Funny enough, nor do you. Seem we're both on a level peg there.

Extremism takes many faces, Christians, Muslims (seems popular these days), Jehovah's Witnesses etc.
But there's another one that often gets overlooked, and that's the Extreme Atheist.

Fuck me. Don't you fuckers go on, as bad, if not worse than many Christians.

"Do you believe in God?"
"Why, yes I do, why do you ask?"
"He doesn't exist! I can prove it! You're brain washed! ETC ETC RANT RANT"

You're just as bad as the others. If you believe that, that's fine. But please respect my views and I'll respect yours.

Extremists of any nature are twats

Length? Well. It’s not extreme...
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:53, 33 replies)
There's this passage I got memorized.
Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker 'fore I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think different. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or, it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.

Yours truly,

Jules Winnfield
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:50, Reply)
Religion is the root of all evil
My personal view is that religion is the root of all the wrong doing in the world. If people were not so blindly led by a fooking book that has no base in fact, and is a work of pure fiction then they are complete and utter mongaloid twunts in my eyes. Weak minded sheep.

I mean for fooks sake, some of the most hypicritical things done in society seem to come from the church itself.

The catholic church for example, most of the vicars or dress wearing pricks that ponce about declaring how almighty god and jebus rule everything, and if you do not offer your soul/money/life, then you'll be dammed to hell (whatever that is) for all eternity....they then they go and fuck small choir boys. Do they say that doing that act is 'gods' will? Evil bastards. (Have no personal experience of this)

God the church and Jebus fucking Christ are all works of fiction, rather like Ronald McDonald, but we don't see hords of people hanging on every word a McDonalds employee says, as if it must have come from the god of McDonalds, good old Ron himself.

I'll have fries with that. Thanks Ron aka Jebus Christ, and a portion of ever lasting life, and sweet and sour sauce to go please.

What a complete and utter load of bollocks.

And as for muslims, what is all this hiding the women away behind head curtains all about?

It's just a control. It's just about biggot eastern men asserting control over 'their' women folk.

Religion in all it's forms to me, is absolute utter piss shite bollocks.

To all those religious people....go get a life, and a brain, and try thinking of things in a matter of FACT way, not airy fairy shite dribbled out of some shite book written thousands of years a go, by biggot small minded idiots, that needed a way of controling the stupid and ignorant masses.

Religion is for weak individuals, that have nothing to cling onto in life except for some small minded belief that they will be 'saved' if they believe. Cocks the lot of 'em.

Try watching discovery channel.

Oh and those people that believe that the world was made in 1974 or whatever....i mean come on...shit for brains. Idiots, absolute idiots.

And relax.....and of rant.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:20, 20 replies)
"Religion has got people believeing there is this person in the sky who is everywhere and is always watching us and what we do, day or night.

This person has a list of things that you should not do because he told a very special person to tell you not to do them.

If you do any of these things you get sent to a place of fire and smoke and pain and tortue forever and ever...but he loves you."

Not my words, think his surname is Carlson, but makes me think about why people die and kill for the man upstairs, and how retarded it is.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:06, 1 reply)
Not Chewie
Has this been posted yet?

(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 14:05, 3 replies)

llllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttt please let this QOTW end
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:38, 7 replies)
Calling all the non believers.
You meet the most beautful, perfect person ever and you are both head over heels in love with each other.

Which is worse?

To find out they have had a sex change or that they are a devout member of the god-squad?

Me? I'll take the mangina anyday.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:31, 1 reply)
Heaven and Hell
Both of them are right here, and right now.

The angels and demons are here too, you will one or other of them when you look in the mirror every morning.

Your choice to wear horns and make the place hell for everyone else, or to wear a halo and carry a little slice of heaven wherever you go.

Choose wisely.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:10, 9 replies)
We stayed in a hotel in London Tuesday night
to go to a company awards thingy. Due to the credit crunch current financial situation, two of my male colleagues roomshared, which led to a ridiculous amount of gay jokes (especially considering there is a photo of them where one is looking at the other adoringly which has become a departmental meme, much like Teh Quo). So naturally, we were all keen to hear how they'd slept.

I'm told the highlight was one of my colleagues reading the tale of the Plague of Locusts to his roommate in a chilling voice, and then reading the end of the bible to him to see what happens.

Considering I was on a work trip, I had to physically restrain myself from adding "All the best, Jesus" to the front page of my handily provided Gideons.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:09, Reply)
Frank Zappa sang it best
I won't quote the whole song here but here's a smidgen of the lyrics from "Dumb All Over" (great tune):

"...And when his humble tv servant
With humble white hair
And humble glasses
And a nice brown suit
And maybe a blond wife who takes phone calls
Tells us our God says
Its okay to do this stuff
Then we gotta do it,
cause if we dont do it,
We aint gwine up to hebbin!
(depending on which book youre using at the
Time...cant use theirs... it dont work
...its all lies...gotta use mine...)
Aint that right?
Thats what they say
Every night...
Every day...
Hey, we cant really be dumb
If were just following gods orders
Hey, lets get serious...
God knows what hes doin
He wrote this book here
An the book says:
He made us all to be just like him,
If were dumb...
Then God is dumb...
(an maybe even a little ugly on the side)"

Mmmm, nice!
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 12:19, 2 replies)
The Pope (bindun?)
Early one morning, the pope was having a nice shower, when he felt a certain tingle down there. Figuring that a little sin never did anyone any harm, he proceeds to have a quick wank. Just as he climaxes though, he here's a strange "click" noise. Quickly, he grabs a towel and exits the shower, and sees a paparazzo lens sticking through the bathroom window.

"You there!" He shouts. "You must give me that camera!"

"Are you kidding?" says the paparazzo. "I just got a photo of the pope wanking! I'm rich"

"But my child," says the pope, "You could bring down the Church if people knew! Think of the chaos, the heartache!"

"Sorry pal, this pic is worth millions to me."

The pope sighs. "Very well, if I give you ten million euros will you give me the camera?"

The paparazzo thinks on this for a moment and agrees. So the pope writes him a cheque, takes the camera and sends him on his way. Later, as he's sitting on his bed grumbling and trying to get the film out, a maid walks in.

"Oh, your Holiness," says the maid, "that's a very nice camera. How much did it cost you?"

"Ten million euros." grunts the pope.

"Ten million euros? TEN MILLION EUROS?" They must have seen you coming!"
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 12:12, Reply)
I'll just put this here...
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 11:24, 5 replies)

This question is now closed.

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