Elderly Lynch Mob
Several people wanted to exorcise me after this.

And when word got back to my girlfriend's parents I had to do some explaining pretty sharpish.

Not my fault. Not at all. I blame the deaf fuckers that went to the church.

I was helping out in the local church, St David’s, in Penarth over Christmas. My girlfriend’s parents are fully paid up members of the God Squad, and I really felt I owed them something. I mean, I am fucking their daughter. The least I could do was show a bit of enthusiasm for non-daughters'-cunt-related activities.

So, I offered to help sort out some of the decorating prior to Midnight Mass. I'm down at the church armed with a staple gun, stapling the fuck out of a length of gorgeous red satin, attaching it to the back of the pews. Generally tarting the place up ahead of the big event later that evening.

Now, I've never really liked raising my voice in a church. Not that I feel particularly awed by the places, no. Not that at all. I have a very real fear that the old buildings are going to fall down and crush me if I set off some kind of incredible audible chain reaction with the mighty power of my gob.

So I’m almost whispering to my girlfriend, Liz, who’s down at the other end of the church:

“ Don’t you just love satin ,” and I do. It’s nice and soft, softer than a lady’s arse soft.

“What?” Liz asks, looking a bit annoyed as I’ve disturbed her from her fussing over some Catholic-related twattery.

“ Don’t you just love satin ,” I whisper again.

“What, Spanky?”

By this time I’m a little pissed off. I mean, I was only making a little small talk.

And just at this moment a load of creaky old duffers do a zombie-stagger into the church to help sort out teas and generally stand round and fill the place with the reek of stale piss.

Yep, you guessed it… I shout

“ DON’T YOU JUST LOVE SATIN! ”

And I hear a flurry of Hail Mary’s behind me.

The old fuckers...



...should sort out their hearing aids...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 17:14, Reply)