Apocolypse? Saturday, 0815 apparently.
My first post; please be nice. Hell, be as nasty as you want actually, I'm fairly thick-skinned...

Anyhoo.

It was eight of the a.m. on a clear summer Saturday morning. My flat - from which I was moving - was on the 3rd floor of a block, and I was on my own.

Cue moving all my heavy items one by one to the lift, down the lift, out the door and into the van. Lock van. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

Right. Relevant bit. Bear in mind it's the wee hours of a Saturday morning. I'm lugging large items out a flat and into a big shiny van.

Whilst moving one particularly heavy box, I am stopped at the communal entrance by 2 very smiley, friendly looking ladies in tweed overcoats and pork pie hats. I kid you not.

And they were armed with pamphlets.

"Excuse me, young lady - do you have a moment?" they ask.

"Erm...not really", I reply, shifting my heavy box from one hip to the other. "I'm kind of busy."

"Well it won't take a minute" the other assures me.

*sigh* "Alright then, hang on"

Pantomime of trying to open heavy van door without putting heavy box somewhere I won't lift it from again. Manage, and turn, heaving and sweating, to the two women. Neither of whom, incidentally, have in any way lifted a finger - or even offered - to help.

"Yes?"

"Well, we'd like to talk to you about the Apocalypse."

Pause.

"...at 0815 in the morning?"

"Oh yes. The apocalypse. [cue random quotations from the bible about how the end of the world is nigh, ad nauseum]."

They explain that only the worthy will enter heaven, yada yada yada. I politely explain that I am in fact entirely unworthy by their book. Puzzled looks. I expand on my explanation by assuring them that I have no hope of salvation because I am in fact a flagrant homosexual. A lesbian. A dyke. And many, many more colourful euphemisms and metaphors. And also entirely unrepentant.

Silence. As though of one thought, they turn away from me without another word. And proceed to ring the doorbell of every flat (about 90 in total) to spread the word of the impending Judgement.

And they still looked puzzled every time someone cursed down the intercom at them, or just plain hung up without a word.

Factoid: sleepy, often hungover people do not like to be woken up at just gone 8am on a weekend to be told that the End Is Nigh. They prefer to be told after a mug of coffee and a bagel.

And someone who you have just proceeded to ignore because your religion tells you to hate them is going to have little sympathy.
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 22:29, 2 replies)

tweed overcoats and pork pie hats?
I don't think you're the only lesbian in this story.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 1:15, closed)

You know the rule
Pictures (of lesbians), or it didn't happen...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 17:27, closed)