The Bible 2K - Holy Fuck Wars
Old Testament

Genesis:

And lo, God creates Phil Collins and the drum solo.

Exodus:
Starring:
Vin Diesel - God

God's all like 'woah dude I can't believe I let Moses get away with that life-insurance canoe shizzle, I'm gonna FUCK HIM UP.' He calls this his 'forty year plan' like the diet plans, but longer and he actually sticks to it.

It is around this time 'Nursery Cryme' is released, and God goes all locusty/first borny, and everyone thinks he is a right cunt.

So everyone goes on this long walk right, cos they don't like locusts and what not, and they're all propa hungry and shit, but God is not listening cos he is creating Chronicles of Riddick and his COMMANDMENTS.

He makes Moses read 'em cos he is a bit embarrassed. I know! It's God right!? Just shows he's only human:

1. The Pacifier represents a good comedy crossover film
2. I R MOAR MUSHLEE THEN ARMWOLD SWOTSANIGGER
3. I like Tutti Fruttis and paprika crisps

and on and on it went. Moses was like fuck that and made up his own. This does not go down well with God, so he creates 'Them Boots Were Made For Walking' to be played ironically at the Hebrews FOR ETERNITY.

Leviticus:

God decides some completely arbitrary laws are needed. You can only felch chickens on a Tuesday; ANY sex with an ant is consenting (haha unlucky fuckers); Trilbys may be worn on the penis for the purpose of hilarity; Phil Collins can not dance etc.

Numbers

God recommences fucking with Moses.

God - 'I want you to count them'
Moses - 'Eh? Who?'
God - 'HAHA EVERYONE YOU CUNT. Apart from people who wear trendy jeans.'
Moses - 'Right done. What now.'
God - 'Er...fuck me that was quick...er, well, I'm just gonna piss about with you for a little while if that's OK. Incidentally have you seen xXx yet? My deltoids look fucking RIPPED.'

Dueteronomy

Moses is all like brow beaten and weary cos God is STILL taking the piss. I know, it's like get over it God, we're through. This is stalker shit. It's been forty years man. That sea you created, there are like, plenty more fish in it dude, and you should know innit.

But nah he's not having it, he's proper grumpy, a little genocide here, slaughter a few unrepentant wasters there...and Moses is all like 'Hang on. Just hold fire here. This just ain't working out. There's a bit of a recurring theme. You ask me to do summit. I maybe have a little doubt, you convince me by merit of a burning bush, parting the sea, smoke and mirrors stuff, you know. I'm all like well Blaine's being doing that shit for years, but yeah I'll go for it. So there's me carrying out the work of God, but of course some little cunt always manages to stuff it up. But I'm like no bother, he's the epitomy of forgiveness innit. Yeah, if forgiveness is FORTY FECKIN YEARS IN A SANDBOX AND WATCHING YOU CASUALLY COMMIT GENOCIDE ON A CIVILISATION-WIDE SCALE OMGWTF'
God switches off Rambo 4 '...needs more muscles. What you trouting on about Moses? If you think that's bad, wait til you see what I've got in store for this cunt Jesus'. It was about this time that Phil Collins went solo.


The Bible eh!? You couldn't make it up!
(bacontrout got ska, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:16, 6 replies)

I thoroughly enjoyed that
cheers
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:31, closed)

Pfft
_{Swotsanigger.}
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:33, closed)

I like this!
Whatever it is you're taking, have you got any to sell?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:47, closed)

It's just standard marijuana!
you can pick it up most places!
(bacontrout got ska, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 0:21, closed)

*chortles*
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 25 Mar 2009, 17:49, closed)

Wow!
It's like all remembered word for word.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 19:09, closed)