How I lost my faith
I lost my faith the day Chewbacca died.

He was a wonderful furry fucker. He'd hang round in the Millenium Falcon with Han Solo, R2D2, and the gay gold annoying one.

Then one day I went to wake Chewbacca up with a playful rattle of his cage and a shrill" "Chewie! Chewie! CHEWIE!" But there wasn't the normal furry little bullet bouncing round and squealing like a motherfucker response.

Alas, Chewbacca was dead. I found him in his little house, lying on his back with his claws curled up and snarling, as if he was playing Jimi Hendrix air guitar.

I lifted him out by an ear and took him to show my mum.

"Oh, Spanky - your hamsters died!"

"Can I bury him?" I asked, tears flooding down my face. I remembered all the happy times we'd had together. Ahh, the dreamy afternoon when I put him in my snowspeeder and lobbed him down the stairs.

My mum found a box - one of those big matchboxes with those matches you use to light gas cookers. "Put him in there and we'll bury him when we get back from church."

Fast forward a few hours. Church. Dull. Boring. Mind numbing. Worse than fucking maths class.

Then its time for communion.

I shuffle up to the bloke in the dress at the front, still sniffling. But before he can stick something in my mouth (a wafer, not his cock), I reach into my pocket and pull out...

"Father, can I bury Chewbacca in the churchyard?"

This sets off a murmur in the church.

The cunt in the dress ignores me, I'm looking like Oliver asking for some more, except I'm asking to dispose of the corpse of dead rodent instead.

"Who does this child belong to?" says the bloke in the dress.

And my mum shuffles forward, picks me up round my waist, and carries Chewbacca and I away.

And I remember in the car on the way home thinking: I don't like God anymore.

Sorry for lack of funnies, but quite a defining moment in my life, the death of that hamster...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 10:29, 1 reply)

chortle
"a wafer, not his cock" amused me increadibly in an otherwise long long week.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 12:20, closed)