I used to know a girl called Martha Cuntcasket (*)
My reasons for disliking her were all based on ways in which she was a terrible terrible person.
She was also gigantic, but this had nothing to do with why I disliked her - a fact I would have to clarify when I told people things like "She's working in the zoo now. As a walrus"

So people would ask why we didn't get on. And I wouldn't want to get in to the whole mess of complex interactions betweens various friends and enemies, or how she was never happier than when she was baiting the sharks with a bucket of ducks. So I made a little story to explain the situation. It went like this.


"Well, this happened a few years ago, I don't think we had even met by then, so you probably aren't aware of the situation

"back then I had a two year old son, Toby, I don't really talk about him much now, but he was a big part of my life back then

"I know that this wasn't her intention, and really there isn't any direct blame, but back then Martha took some actions, and they led to Toby's death"

At this point my friend would look appropriately somber, but also very awkward, because they had merely been curious about how I relate to Martha, and maybe hoped to learn a little about the two of us as people. At this point I would pause a few seconds, allow them to catch their breath, and the add the final piece of the story.

"She put him in a pie"


Now maybe I should feel guilty about this, but I find it fucking hilarious. And when I meet my tragic end Satan and I will be absolutely shitting ourselves over it.


(*) this wasn't her real name
(teebie jeebie, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:47, 3 replies)

Dull and unoriginal.
From your story you sound like a cock.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:07, closed)

You're right, that is hilarious
Bit of laptop spittle because of the pie line.
( Pretender, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:12, closed)

"She put him in a pie"
That was good. But the phrase " she was never happier than when she was baiting the sharks with a bucket of ducks" had me pissing myself laughing. My wife is watching the vampire diaries and my sniggering meant she missed a crucial moment.

Well done you.
(OTT, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 22:50, closed)