I bottle farts
A few years ago, an uncle of mine died. He'd been a scientist of sorts and left a large array of laboratory glassware in his garage. My attention was drawn to some hermetically sealing gas containers and I set about my pet project of collecting my own anal breezes.

First, I established some rules. I would only store those farts that were truly historic - the kind that burn your ring as they seep out; the kind that pollute a room for hours and make the cat submerge its head in the u-bend. I would catalogue them, label them and store them in a purpose-made rack to present to my children on their 18th birthday.

Most are colourless gases. To look at the tube, you'd think it was empty. But a quick glance at the label provides a tantalising insight into what resides within: "Lamb Biryani and Guinness, Feb 2004"; "Pickled gherkins and egg salad, December 2000"; "Bilharzia and irritable bowel syndrome, October 1997"; "Gastroenteritis, family bag of nacho cheese Doritos and three bottles of cheap cider, Feb 1990".

I've had to apply for a council licence to store hazardous substances, and have to use a ventilator in case one of the tubes falls and breaks. There was a nasty incident last year when a neighbour's child opened a tube containing a ten-year-old scent of "pickled onion and garlic supper with can of stout" and went into an immediate vegetative state. That part of the town was evacuated, but the child eventually recovered. Albeit with permanently crossed eyes and a limp.

It's my way of commemorating my favourite meals.
(frankspencer, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 10:47, 5 replies)

that's gross!
Your sick. You think you are so funny, don't you? Well, your not.
(frankspencer, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 11:40, closed)

*Whisper* You can get tablets for that...the grammar problem ;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 11:54, closed)

Haha!
I just read this and helen in the other office was wondering why I was sniggering like a little child
( w3rthers because you're someone very special too, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:26, closed)

location of the store....
I have found out where you are storing your gasses of mass destruction ( news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7298033.stm )!!!!
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:00, closed)

now now!
Chickenlady, be nice to frank. And frank, stop muttering to yourself!
(ShitBitch, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:27, closed)