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This is a question Guilty Pleasures, part 2

It's been a while since we last asked this question and CaptainFellatioNelson's confession that he likes "to fart under the duvet, creep in and see how long I can last only on the fart air contained within" reminded us just how good it was last time.

What are the little things you do for fun when nobody else is around?

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:48)
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This question is now closed.

I only get to indulge for one month per year
During Ramadan I like to offer sweets to my Muslim friend, before proceeding to eat them in front of him while caressing my nipples.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 23:11, Reply)
When drunk
Being a drunk is one big encapsulating guilty pleasure, which includes:

1. If I collapse to the floor, I will begin to kick my feet wildly, sending me into a windmill-like spinning motion, and make "whoop whoop whoop" noises until somebody (usually a friend - passing strangers will be too scared to approach) helps me back up.

2. Stealing roadsigns. I know, not original, but do you name your's, and have ceremonies when you let them "back into the wild"?

3. Texting old ex-girlfriends. It always provides a wealth of amusement when I wake up in the morning and look back over my sent messages/inbox.

4. Claiming to go to the toilet, and disappearnig for hours on end. I usually wake up in the morning in bed, unable to remember where I went or what happened. My friends never know where I've been either. Adds that little bit of mystery to life...

5. Taking great offense at lighthearted jokes made at my expense. It helps if to throw in a "my mum died of cancer last night" while remaining stone-faced.

6. Dropping pennies into my own pints.

7. Picking up my guitar and improvising horribly offensive jokes, usually quoting any number of sickipedia jokes in amongst my own sexist/racist/ageist/tory lyrics.

8. Writing long, rambling letters to the Prime Minister, and leaving them on the "to-post" pile. By the time I've woken up it's usually too late. MI5 must have quite a large folder on me by now.

9. I'm a loving-drunk. I will hug my friends. I will hug their friends. I will hug anyone we've exchanged a 'hello' with. I will hug any one who is standing close-by. I will hug bar staff. I will attempt to hug bouncers. I will hug a hoodie. I will hug you.

10. I post on b3ta. Now let me just fetch another Becks...
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 22:54, 2 replies)
Bonnie Tyler
I know its utter shit, I just feel her pain.

Does that make me gay?
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 22:31, 4 replies)
Not very original I know, but I work for a large biomedical research organisation and really should know better. Most of my colleagues are either PhDs or medics (or that most unfortunate of combinations, both) and practically all of them are health-fascists. Smoking is not just literal, but also social and professional, suicide. Still, the gossip you get from the various technicians, Russian scientists and the odd French doctor out behind the bike sheds does make up for it.

For some reason, it's OK to smoke if you are French or Russian, even if you are a medic.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 20:59, 1 reply)
German accent
I enjoy singing crap pop songs in a German accent when I am alone. Songs like 'The Time Warp' and 'Love Shack' are amongst my favorites.

If you see zehr littul sign at zehr side of zehr hoad it ses FUNFTEEN MILES to zehr luuuuuuuf schack.
Luffen schacken beheybeeeee (zehr luff schack behbey)
Luff schack
Das ist vehr ist at

(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 20:35, 8 replies)
not so guilty really
I like to break stuff when i'm drunk, especially old computer stuff i find out in the rain, then wake up in the morning and put bits of it under a microscope.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 20:31, Reply)
Imagining that something awful happens to me
Like a car accident, a terminal illness, disability, you get the idea. And then thinking about all the care, attention and get-well wishes i'd get from everyone.
Sad cunt? Naah.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 19:39, 2 replies)
Pretending im an extra in star trek (i have accessories)
Playing with my transformers
Teasing the cats with my laser pen
Giving coca-cola to my mums parrot to make it hyperactive
Listening to ELO

Edit: Matoosh ill give that a go it sounds fun

Length? bigger than optimus prime
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 18:35, 4 replies)
stolen from me
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 18:35, Reply)
Childish and stupid...dogs
I live near a large common which i walk through most days in the summer (see earlier posts).

Now, I love most animals, but I am not too keen on dogs. It is just that during the summer, when I am still suited from work, I really do not want some shitty little mutt covering me in their slobber. Dry cleaning bills are not cheap and when it dries it looks a lot like someone has covered me in spunk. Not a good look. Especially as there are lots of kids on the common and it makes me look like some wanking peado kidfiddler.


Whenever I see a dog approaching I chuck an imaginary stick in the other direction. I love the confusion on their little faces as they spin and start running, stop, look back at me, turn around again, stare, turn around at me, see me chuck another imaginary stick, turn and run, stop, look confused, look at me, see me chuck another etc etc.
If you get it right you can edge them closer to a tree – so far I have manged to make two dogs run head first into trees. The tree always come out better.

It makes me laugh every single time
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 18:19, 1 reply)
I like to pretend
That I'm starring in my own music video when I'm walking down the street listening to my generic mp3 player.
It puts a spring in my step during my endless trudges to the train station.
Current song of choice is a guilty pleasure all of its own:
'Fascination' by Alphabeat

*edit* Obviously, I can't mime the words because people would think I was strange so I have to interpret the lyrics using only my eyes..
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 18:10, 3 replies)
I like having a wank over my ex
I know its wrong but I still have a key, and she's a heavy sleeper

berdum tssch
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 17:55, Reply)
I like to make out I'm more middle-class and cosmopolitan than I actually am, rather than the ex-council house owning, poor IT layabout in real life.

I buy The Times, Guardian, Independent or even the Telegraph depending on which one is thickest and has the most supplements that day.
I pick up long-haul holidays and cruises brochures from the travel agents. I go in the BMW showrooms and compare the 5-series selection they have on display. Somtimes The Audi A6/8 and even the vastly overpriced Cireoen C6.
I look round show-homes on posh housing developments (the sort where the prices start at £195k for a 2-bed semi).

I've even looked at the boats for sale in the chandlers window at the Marina.

The wife and I have started going for pub lunches in the more affluent areas near here. (incidenally, I highly recommend the Bluebell Inn in Weaverthorpe, quality food, nothing from a packet either and good service).
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 17:48, 2 replies)
When confronted with a really angry person
Who's angry for no good reason and has just wound themselves up, I like to suddenly hand them a brightly coloured lollipop.

I now wander around with a supply of them in my bag...
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 17:17, 4 replies)
I love singing pop songs in Gizmo from Gremlins voice to myself.

Bet you're trying it now.

Told you it was fun.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 17:09, Reply)
Eye watering
Sitting down in front of the telly with the doris and plucking out hairs from my testes and sprinkling them on her. It's like buckaroo, only grimier.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 17:02, 1 reply)
Helping people
Like yesterday night - I stopped a woman from getting raped.

I stayed in and watched telly.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 16:59, 5 replies)
I like making special fry-ups
I use tiny chipolata sausages, slices of bacon cut up to make mini rashers, carve bread into quarters for small toast and then - best of all - make miniature fried eggs from quails' eggs. It's a micro-breakfast - I eat it with a big serving spoon and feel just like the BFG!
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 16:47, 6 replies)
Moaning customers
My guilty pleaseure when I worked in a call centre for a well-known mobile phone company (owned by a certain gentleman with dubious facial hair and laughable ballooning attempts)I use to enjoy writing the phone numbers of irate customers on the walls of pub toilets.
Juvenile but carthartic.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 16:25, 1 reply)
Tormenting dumb animals
This will actually keep me amused for hours on end. Take one laser pointer and my three cats (mother, son and daughter). Initially the fun begins with running the laser dot around the floor with three cats all chasing it. This then progresses to running the dot up the wall and seeing how high they can jump. These don't make me feel guilty, but the next stages do.

Stage 3 involves running the dot up unsuspecting Mrs Smurf's leg, making her scream as three cats simultaneously leap with all claws out. This is particularly effective if she's wearing her silky pyjamas.

Once I've been suitably chastised by Mrs Smurf (you know when you do something so many times they lose any bit of humour about it?) it's time to move to stage 4, turning the cats on each other. Ideally this is best achieved by getting all cats in to a frenzy by running the laser dot at high speed across the floor several times and then running it up the side of mother cat, who proceeds to be flattened by the other two speeding pussycats. Retaliation follows and one 'cat fight' occurs.

Finally, stage 5. Turning the slightly dim son on himself. This is easily achieved by running the laser pointer towards him at slow speed and up front leg or chest, where he will proceed to stare and then snap at it. No matter how many times he can't catch/feel/smell the dot, he will always try to catch it with a quick snap and then look confused. This really does get me giggling insanely for some reason. Don't worry though, he doesn't hurt himself.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:54, Reply)
Mio Mao

Genius Italian childrens programme about a couple of extremely curious cats!

Best theme tune EVER!
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:48, 7 replies)
Nose hairs
It might make my eyes water at times, and it might be disgusting, but sometimes there's nothing I enjoy more than plucking my nose hairs out with my fingernails.

The satisfaction one can gain by getting a really long one is immense.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:43, 4 replies)
Can't beat a good eviction...
Not something you see daily, right enough, but the sight of the bailiffs piling in on the council estate I pass on the bus gives me a secret warm glow.

They always seem to have huge tellys, these families. Bought with tax-payers money no doubt (or nicked).
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:39, 3 replies)
Count Bakula
I like to fantasise about having the ability to Quantum Leap into myself in the past and be able to correct those occasions where I've taken the wrong turning in life. Not studied at school hard enough, bought condoms... That sort of thing.

However, it slowly degenerates into being able to spot that I could have had much frottage with girls as a young teenager if I hadn't been as naive.

Including the opportunity to lose my virginity at 13 in a field. That way, I might have lasted more than 6 seconds when I finally got round it to it when I was 17 and was going out with the girl that I eventually married.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:34, 3 replies)
When travelling by plane
I sometimes hope that it will crash and I'll be killed. Then I wouldn't have to live the rest of my life.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:21, 18 replies)
fucking stupid chav twunts
Next week, on my last day, I'm going to be soooo rude to all the unfortunate council tenants who are unlucky enough to get me on the phone when they ring in to whinge that a kitchen cupboard door has fallen off/their neighbour's son has driven over the grass by the pavement and made a mess/needs a council house because, funnily enough, their private landlord evicted them for not paying any rent for the past 5 years, and expects the council to pay for every damned thing despite them being a work-shy dole-scrounging layabout who contributes nothing except illiterate brats, high tax levels and the unwashed stench of old chip-pan oil and fags to society.

You got a blocked toilet? Don't shove fucking nappies down it.

Can't make the rent payments? Get a goddamn job.

Want a new carpet? Stop the kids from pissing on it.

The amount of scrounging makes me boil. They expect everything handed to them on a plate and cause a real fuss when it doesn't appear.

It almost tempts me to think that Hitler's policies were merely misguided.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:02, 29 replies)

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